Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

It still made me die laughing when I first heard it...


She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

2006-08-14 13:54:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I could probably get it to be quiet if it does.

2006-08-14 13:51:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's Greater Than God,The Rich Need It,The Poor Have It

What Is It

2006-08-14 13:50:31 · 47 answers · asked by plankk (: 1

2006-08-14 13:42:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Pick and number (preferbly a low number)

2) Double it

3) Add 8

4) Divide your answer by 2

5) Take away the first number you thought of




















Your Answer is:4

2006-08-14 13:41:37 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need to get on this, my wife says it is time to get my beloved Mittens out of the freezer.

2006-08-14 13:39:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This one is REALLY funny in my opinion...

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

2006-08-14 13:37:53 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

IThis question,was added,and I wished my family be health,&I been looked weard.
But I don`t understand,what I could done in the last minutes,what I didn`t made in my entire life?
My anwser:
1.clean my nose
2.clear the ears
3.cut my nail
I also wish 2make a bath,but I don`t know if I have enought ime.Because I don`t want worms ezitate eat me!
....
My last wish would be not to die...but if I can:Im not tryng teach the pig to sing,I waste my time qnd bug the pig`.

2006-08-14 13:35:14 · 9 answers · asked by Catalin4faith 2

The first one says..."I've never come this way before."
The second one replies .."Must be the cobbles." *pokes out tongue and laughs*
Tell me now....all of you online junkies...what is the most embarrassing thing you did offline that is used and normal on the internet? *smiles*

2006-08-14 13:30:31 · 7 answers · asked by Zoey 5

2006-08-14 13:20:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

.....being able to withstand forces 100 times greater than steel. Yet is very light...so light almost can float freely in the air. It has an unrivalled elastic behaviour......compress, bend, squash....but will spring back undamaged.
WHAT is it?

2006-08-14 13:12:35 · 10 answers · asked by Zoey 5

The joke you enjoying telling everyone that always gets laughs.

2006-08-14 13:04:36 · 15 answers · asked by rilit 1

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

2006-08-14 12:54:47 · 14 answers · asked by L!LO 4

2006-08-14 12:54:37 · 38 answers · asked by Zoey 5

Have you heard this one?

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"

2006-08-14 12:52:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A toothless termite walked into a tavarn and asked, "Is the bar tender here?".

The funniest wins.

2006-08-14 12:49:34 · 10 answers · asked by jfmm 7

Church Signs
These are real signs outside of churches.

“The most powerful position is on your knees.”
“Jesus loves you (as long as you’re not gay).”
“The tongue is in a wet place and slips easily.”
“A loose tongue often gets into a tight place.”
“Stop drop and roll won’t work in hell.”
“Don’t let worries kill you, let the church help.”
“Church parking only violators will be baptized.”
“Sacred cows make the best hamburger.”
“Thanks be unto god for his unspeakable gift.”
“Church, why bother?”
“Staying in bed shouting ‘oh god’ does not constitute going to church.”
“Satan—the fat lady is about to sing.”
“Jesus was a liberal.”
“Tsunami – Aids war, do you hear me now? - God!”
“Git – R- Done fer God.”
“God is shitting something good.”
“If you think it’s hot here, imagine Hell.”
“God is like Coca-Cola, he’s the real thing.”
“Reason is the greatest enemy faith has.”
“Two great truths, 1. There is a god 2. You are not him.”
“Wrestling with god.”
“Worry: A dark room where negatives develop.”
“Service 9:30 & 11:00. Jesus – Loved a great party.”
“Sign broke, message inside.”
“God will accept broken hearts, but he must have all the pieces.”
“Tired of being a loser? Turn to god.”
“Santa Clause never died for anyone.”
“We use duct tape to fix everything, god used nails.”
“Life ain’t no dress rehearsal.”
“To prevent SINburn use SONscreen.”
“Prays for a good harvest but continues to hoe.”
“Going farther with Christ.”
“Worship 11AM & 6PM, Its hard to stumble when you’re down on your knees.”
“A 4 inch tongue can bring a 6 foot man to his knees.”
“What can you do with your tongue?”
“Are you crunk for Jesus?”
“In your right hand there are pleasures forever.”
“God’s favorite word is come.”
“All things done in God’s name are great things.”
“God expects spiritual fruit no religious nuts.”
“Easter is more than something to DYE for.”
“True Submission.”
“Give Satan an inch and he’ll become a ruler.”
“The church is a gift of god, some assembly required.”
“God loves you and he approved this message.”
“Jesus loves you, Bush doesn’t.”
“Satan subtracts and divides, god multiplies and multiplies.”
“No one is beyond the reach of God, closed Sunday.”
“God does not believe in Atheists therefore Atheists do not exist.”
“Wal-Mart is not the only saving place.”
“Don’t be so open minded, your brains fall out.”
“Can you hear me now? How ‘bout now?...God!”
“Thinking about coming? Start Now! Please!”
“God answers knee mail.”
“You were planned for God’s pleasure.”
“Little is much if God is in it.”
“Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop.”
“Warning: Exposure to the SON may prevent Burning.”
“Behold, I come quickly.”
“Welcome our new Senior Pastor Dick Wisdom Assoc Patty Anderson.”
“God is like Allstate, you’re in good hands with him.”
“Sow the seed of love and watch god harvest.”
“The wages of sin is death, repent before payday.”

♥

2006-08-14 12:36:05 · 18 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-14 12:35:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 12:34:43 · 17 answers · asked by lizzyb 4

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

2006-08-14 12:33:53 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

2006-08-14 12:31:41 · 39 answers · asked by danielle 4

what's your most Embarrassing moment?

2006-08-14 12:28:49 · 31 answers · asked by Emily S 2

2006-08-14 12:22:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The escalator was broken, and the only way out of the airport was up a flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee.
I began dragging my bag and was making a loud thud on every step when a man behind me grabbed the suitcase and carried it to the top.
"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.
"Chivalry had nothing to do with it", he said. "I've got a splitting HEADACHE"...

2006-08-14 12:16:15 · 9 answers · asked by L!LO 4

Looking for good jokes!

2006-08-14 12:10:39 · 17 answers · asked by me 5

If an airplane carrying illegal Mexican immigrants were to crash on the U.S./Canadian border ,on a Sunday, where would they bury the survivors?

Very old and very weak!

2006-08-14 11:51:15 · 28 answers · asked by cave dude 3

I am the beginning of sorrow, and the end of sickness. You cannot express happiness without me, yet I am in the midst of crosses. I am always in risk, yet never in danger. You may find me in the sun, but I am never seen out of darkness.

2006-08-14 11:39:25 · 19 answers · asked by ♥chiodosluv♥ 2

2006-08-14 11:35:24 · 39 answers · asked by ♥chiodosluv♥ 2

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

2006-08-14 11:31:05 · 20 answers · asked by mka1369 2

broken glass and water lay on the floor. how did Anthony and Cleopatara die

2006-08-14 11:17:44 · 26 answers · asked by david c 1