Tell me a good joke please.The funniest one gets 10 points.?

Answer 1

I used to hate going to weddings, all the old people would poke me saying "you're next".
They soon stopped that sh*t when i started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Answer 2

3 old ladies always ride the bus and give the driver nuts. One day he decides to ask them why don't they eat the nuts. They answer to him, " Oh we just like to lick the chocolate of of them."
eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww grossss

there is a party full of rich people and the host tell them" whoever swims across this pool full of sharks, alligators, and pirahnas will get 3 wishes from me. so the party goes on with nobody trying the challange. suddenly there is a splash and there is a guy ferocuously swimming across the pool. he makes it and the host tells him "very well, what are your 3 wishes?" the guy says, wish number one, gimme a shotgun, wish number two, gimme ammo, wish number 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in!!!

Answer 3

4 men are trying to escape from jail that's surrounded by 20 miles of water. The first man makes it about 5 miles then says "I give up!!!!" So he drowns and dies. The second man makes it about 10 miles then says "I just cant go on!!!" So he drowns and dies. The third man makes it about 15 miles then says "I cant take any more of this!!!" so he drowns and dies. The last man makes about 19 1/2 miles then says "It's not worth it!!!" So he swims back.

Answer 4

3 women escape from jail, a blonde, brunette, and a red head - they are runing from the police and decide to hide in a barn. All 3 women jump into potatoe sacks. Police come in, and the officer kicks the first potatoe sack "Meooow" says the brunette - Officer kicks the second potatoe sack "Roof roof" barks the red head. Officer kicks the third sack "POTATOES!" yells the blonde...

hahah kind of corny, but still funny.

Answer 5

A drive is driving over 60 miles on 30 mph limit. Soon enough he notices a police car behind. He gets stopped by the police car and the policer asks him why he was driving so fast.
His reply?












He replies: 2 weeks ago my wife ran away with a police officer. I thought you were that police officer and you were trying to return the wife to me!!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Answer 6

Aging Mikdred was a 93 year woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would kill herself and join him in death, Thinking that it would best to get it over with quickly, she took out his pistol and make the decision to shoot herself in the heart not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden She called her dr. to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be, He said on a woman your heart would be below your left breast, later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot to the left knee. lol

Answer 7

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 8

Jesus went to Chicago. He checked into a hotel and slapped three nails on the counter and said"Can you put me up for the night?" Every time I tell that I wait for the lightning.

Answer 9

a man walks into a resturant and sees a sign that reads:

Soda $1.10
Hamsandwhich $ 3.50
Hnad jobs $ 10.00

So then the waitress goes over to his table and ask "what can i get you?"
the man ask "are you the waitress who gives the Hand jobs?"
She says "yes"
the man replies to her "Go wash your hands I want a ham sandwhich"

Answer 10

Q. What's the definition of "irreconcilable differences"?

A. When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.

Answer 11

Yo mamma so fat that she screams louder than Michael Jackson and makes him run away like a little girl.
:)