Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-14 08:23:39 · 12 answers · asked by ? 3

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

2006-08-14 08:15:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just realized I have absolutely no idea what that doo-dad is in the hand of my avitar.......any ideas?

2006-08-14 08:14:31 · 13 answers · asked by Elwood Blues 6

2006-08-14 08:08:24 · 9 answers · asked by joronojr 1

Ok, the last one was real funny. Complete the sentence.
I desire root beer, you desire lovely...

2006-08-14 07:48:54 · 41 answers · asked by Viety 2

2006-08-14 07:34:55 · 30 answers · asked by compo 2

Complete the sentence.
Lust is a dust, then love is...

2006-08-14 07:31:48 · 34 answers · asked by Viety 2

1)When yo mama fell i didnt wanna laugh but the cement was crackin up

2)Yo mama so poor that when you steped on a skateboard she said why yo steppin on the family car

**Feel Free To Share Any Of Your Favorites**

2006-08-14 07:28:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went clubbing on saturday and was rejected from a club not because of my colour not because of my religion and not because of the way i was dressed oh and it was not because I was taking drugs. Can anyone guess why I was not allowed into the club? Its so funny, I still cant believe it.

2006-08-14 07:26:29 · 28 answers · asked by Osh Aka Oisinmagic 3

whats pink,wrinkled and hangs out your trousers?

2006-08-14 07:08:57 · 22 answers · asked by oh purleeeeze 3

Well there was this advertisement in Australia for McDonalds. It had a man looking at a young kid in another car when he was stopped at traffic lights. The kid was pulling faces, so the man pulled up McDonalds chips and teased the kid.

Well, the same thing happened to me, only in reverse. I was looking at some kid in a car, and he pulled up McDonalds chips. He started laughing at me, trying to tease me but I thought nothing of it. The next minute, the lights turn green and his parents speed away. I was lucky enough to have taken off at the same time to see the chips fly all over the kid, and see him start to cry.

Haha... one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

2006-08-14 07:08:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whatever I think is the funniest gets 10 points!

2006-08-14 07:08:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats long,thin,covered in skin,red in parts and goes in tarts?

2006-08-14 07:07:50 · 12 answers · asked by oh purleeeeze 3

Here's one I liked alot:
"Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging?"

They're going to make 'reproductive organs' :-)

2006-08-14 07:06:57 · 17 answers · asked by JeffyB 7

Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12 ??

.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies,

"Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively.

"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."



He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.

One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."



He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and

TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy,



"then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

2006-08-14 07:00:26 · 13 answers · asked by L!LO 4

what is the funnist thing you can think of

2006-08-14 06:53:41 · 5 answers · asked by odydoo1 2

I was just gonna answer indiaalexias question wanting jokes etc to cheer her up but i've reached my flippin answering questions limit! what's all that about i didn't even know there was a limit. oh well here goes the joke anyway:

what's green and has no legs?!?

'a bogey'

lame i know but it's the only one i can remember, seeya

2006-08-14 06:52:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Correct use of the F word - When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ***!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

2006-08-14 06:45:28 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is an egyptian riddle.In the beginning it starts with four legs.In the middle it has two legs.In the end it has three legs.What am I.

2006-08-14 06:38:13 · 12 answers · asked by LANCE 2

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your 'willy'?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !"

2006-08-14 06:32:15 · 6 answers · asked by designer_bunnie 3

yes or no

2006-08-14 06:31:03 · 9 answers · asked by aryaa 1

i'm the beggining of eternity, the end of time and space, the beggining of every end, and the end of every place. What the heck am I?

2006-08-14 06:25:57 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to a pet store and bought a parrot. The salesperson said it was extremely quiet, so she took it to church. In the middle of the priest's sermon the parrot screeched, "IT'S DAMN COLD IN HERE!" The woman, appalled, went to the pet store the next day and complained to the salesperson, "This bird cursed in church! I'm so embarassed! is there any way to fix it?" The salesperson suggested putting twine around its beak. The woman tried it and took the bird to church again. It broke out of the twine and screamed, "IT'S DAMN COLD IN HERE!" She fumed at the salesperson, "Any other bright ideas?" "Try swinging it above your head when it curses. That'll teach it a lesson." So, at church the next day, when it screeched, "IT'S DAMN COLD IN HERE!", the lady swung it over her head violently. "Damn," said the bird. "It's windy too."

2006-08-14 06:22:10 · 84 answers · asked by Matt B 2

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.......

2006-08-14 06:21:41 · 17 answers · asked by bad girl 1

the cop.....

2006-08-14 06:21:19 · 14 answers · asked by darkpony6262 3

when he awoke he found out he was responsible for the deaths of alot of people. How is that possible.

2006-08-14 06:13:31 · 12 answers · asked by jonsforde 3

the man never touched the rock and the rock didnt fall on him but the rock caused his death. How is that possible?

2006-08-14 06:09:23 · 15 answers · asked by jonsforde 3

How do you keep a blond in suspense?

2006-08-14 05:52:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 05:42:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

i made this myself. its a long word.
3
x5
-1
/2
+11
1
x20
+1
reverse
1
+19
-11
+6
-1
+5
I juz thought it up bored. try it if u like. p.s. reverse means swap the number's position i.e. 19 = 91

2006-08-14 05:40:05 · 13 answers · asked by caroline 5