Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

2006-08-14 00:35:00 · 6 answers · asked by rimrocka 3

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped
my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel,

it knocked Mycell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, which splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers

2006-08-14 00:18:55 · 39 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Will this change the belief "Never on Sunday"???????????



Sunday Sex
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion o! n this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work
and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a rabbi. !
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
?






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2006-08-14 00:06:50 · 18 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-14 00:01:16 · 23 answers · asked by Indian 2

im so bored rite now, i aint got sh*t 2 do, can n e 1 entertain me.....IM me some funny sh*t PLEEEEEEEEASE!!!

2006-08-13 23:57:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 23:55:52 · 21 answers · asked by Dolly 1

there were three, wait no two, four strippers were leaving the strip club, i mean four teachers and they were leaving the library, third hour english, and the first one said ,' i have to use the little ladies room, i will be back!' then the other replied, ' okay ted, see you in an hour! you sonofabitch!!' wait, there's more, then the other two went into the ladies room to see why ted ventured in there, they thought he must be out of his noodle to do such a thing, when they went in they found him dancing in the mirror and repeating the words, ' the princess is here, CIARA, this beat is supersonic, hypnotic, funky-fresh, then the ladies asked him, 'hey ted, first off, why do you think you are the gorgeous ciara, and where did you learn those killer dance moves, oh yeah, and where did you find those off-the-chain stilletos?? ted replied, ' i am a diva b!tches, deal with THAT!! then he moonwalked out of the restroom, that was the wierdest thing i had ever witnessed!!

2006-08-13 23:51:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do people say put on clean under wear incase you have an accident.......................LOL ??????????????

2006-08-13 23:25:25 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-13 23:24:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

how come when i walked out of my doorway of my bedroom today i stubbed my toe on the door trim, i know where it is every time but for some reason i seem to stub my stinkin toe on it every morning, you know what i be a thinkin, methinks there are alien drywallers, and they keep coming into my home late night and perform a slight adjustment to my doorway, just to sit up in their little space capsule and laugh their little alien tushes off when i stub my toe, what do you think?? i'm on to something, right??

2006-08-13 23:22:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 23:21:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi NO offense to anyone who takes this personal its just a joke please add your own joke thanks
Your dad is so fat if he wears a tshirt with a x on it helicpters land on him
your mum is so fat if she wheres high heels she strikes oil
your dad is so fat when he dances the band skips

2006-08-13 23:14:01 · 37 answers · asked by Treat 3

if you have a problem, and you know you can cure this problem but you choose not to because it is easier putting it to the side, what should you do, should you stay where you are at with your comfortable life knowing that if you don't try to treat this problem then maybe it won't be there anymore, even though you know it will be, or should you look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, "put down the video game, motha!!" you see, i am a video game junkie, that is something that can't be looked past, i should try to treat this, am i right??

2006-08-13 23:08:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

2006-08-13 22:39:48 · 12 answers · asked by heatherlynnmorrow 5

what do you tella ***** with two black eyes?

2006-08-13 22:39:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

just answer the question.

2006-08-13 22:34:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a TRUE story about a recent wedding that took place at
Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno Mentioned it on his Tonight Show.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests...

After the wedding at the reception the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give
everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila
envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and

2006-08-13 22:28:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

thanks for answering this...:)

2006-08-13 22:19:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 22:14:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is orange and peach...?

2006-08-13 21:58:50 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 21:43:34 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

A carrot, a few stones, and some sticks are lying on the ground...

2006-08-13 21:42:09 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 friends went to a pub to buy beer and each of them paid $10 for a bottle of beer. But after they paid for their beer, the boss told them it was cheaper since they buy three beers all together, its juz $25 and not $30. Since they have already paid $30 the boss gave them back $3 and kept $2. So each of them actually paid $9 since they were each gaven back $1($1*3= $3). So all of them paid $27($9 *3) for the beer and the boss kept $2. What happen to the missing $1 since $27 + $2 = $29 if they already paid $30?

2006-08-13 21:40:57 · 10 answers · asked by Sg_dude 2

a riddle! if u tell it is an elephant then u are wrong!!

2006-08-13 21:24:46 · 13 answers · asked by piyu 1

2006-08-13 21:22:57 · 34 answers · asked by demiss l 1

there was a duck walking one day and found a gas station he went inside and ask the man if he had any strawberries. the man said no he does not have any strawberries. so the next day the duck comes again and asks the man the same question again the man says no so the duck left. the third day it came back again and asked if he had any strawberries now this time the man got mad and said no we dont have any strawberries and if you come back again if i had any i would nail you to the floor.

2006-08-13 21:11:22 · 11 answers · asked by shylilgurl 1

does the blondes in blonde jokes apply to male and female blondes? or female only and why? no discrimination intended, just curious

2006-08-13 21:00:21 · 12 answers · asked by sAsA 2

Hi, I have put some jokes and other stuff on my personal website. Check it out and give me some feedback from the feedback link on my website.

http://www.geocities.com/johncena_yo23/...

For the time being here is a joke.


Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff I $imply ain’t thinking of anything. $o you can ju$t $end me a card and nothing el$e a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Father replies.

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.
Love Dad.

2006-08-13 20:59:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day it was a dark stormy night and this man wanted to go into a motel so he got one he had a whole bunch of knives. Next another guy came he had to pee really bad so he got a room. So then another man came he had green paint so he got a room because he had no place to put the paint so he got a room instead. then the last guy came he had a jar of pickles and he wanted a room. So the guy on the 4th floor drops one of the knives out of the window
while they othe guy is peeing out of the window the knive falls and cuts his dick off while he is peeing then the can of paint is set on the rail of the window and the dick falls into the can of green paint then falls into the pickle jar. then the guy on the 1st floor comes to the window and looks into the jar then he said oooh another pickle then he ate it.

2006-08-13 20:52:12 · 13 answers · asked by shylilgurl 1

If I was to ask a riddle like "what is greater than God?"or"A man didn't know the password to the club",how long would it take "iamigloo"to give the answer?

2006-08-13 20:32:31 · 20 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5