Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

It can be Whatever type, best answer get's the 10 points

2006-08-13 13:53:43 · 5 answers · asked by littlehuevo 3

Teenagers have a lot in common with cats:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats are said to have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did, too.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner -- communicating that ultimate human ecstasy: a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.

Teenagers are definitely not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

2006-08-13 13:46:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone have any riddles or jokes? Who ever has the best gets ten points! I play a game with my family but now I'm all out of riddles and jokes! Riddle answers have to be short. Also, Joke Q&A Must be relatively short, here's several examples:
Why does Dracula have a pen? To draw blood.
Why do golfers have two pairs of pants? In case they make a hole-in-one.
Ten points to the best ones!

2006-08-13 13:44:50 · 8 answers · asked by SithGirl8 2

2006-08-13 13:41:30 · 15 answers · asked by Tamsin 2

BEST EXCUSE OF THE YEAR


The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"

The husband begins to tell his story : "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride.
I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them.
Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots
that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.
When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of
her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

2006-08-13 13:34:51 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?
A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.

Q:How many blonde jokes are there?
A:None, they're all true!

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles

2006-08-13 13:32:26 · 10 answers · asked by xo your a babe 1

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

2006-08-13 13:20:18 · 8 answers · asked by xo your a babe 1

2006-08-13 13:03:43 · 16 answers · asked by Topher 5

2006-08-13 13:02:33 · 6 answers · asked by bakbiter 3

A moment you wished you had your videocamera.

2006-08-13 13:00:26 · 4 answers · asked by ESKORBUTIN 4

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused also!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but.." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did.

This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

2006-08-13 12:59:22 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There was a teacher that said that a kid was cheating on a test. there were two boys, Alex,and Joe. the teacher said that joe was cheating because on question one on the test Alex got A. and Joe also got they had the same answer for allthe problems except the last one. Then Joe said that doesn't mean that I cheated. The teacher told Joe that on the last one Alex wrote I don't Know and he wrote me neither.

2006-08-13 12:43:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."


NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY!

2006-08-13 12:38:37 · 22 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

What do

-malicious nieces
-red sweatshirts
-brown coconuts
-elegant flowers and
-hungry iguanas

have in common?



Hint
Abundant bad chimpanzees would also fit.
Hide

2006-08-13 12:31:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was telling a brunette that her computer broke.
So the brunette said she would check the blonde's e-mail for her.

The blonde said, ''Cool! E-mail me and tell me what I got.''

2006-08-13 12:28:01 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Instead of creating a very difficult teaser, I have decided to create a simple Yes or No question. Have fun trying to solve it!


If the teaser you solved before you solved the teaser you solved after you solved the teaser you solved before you solved this one, was harder than the teaser you solved after you solved the teaser you solved before you solved this one, was the teaser you solved before you solved this one harder than this one?" Yes or no?

2006-08-13 12:27:25 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 12:25:47 · 13 answers · asked by ? 6

When you get high
you will try to fly
And you die

2006-08-13 12:15:03 · 12 answers · asked by answermyquestionsgirl 2

2006-08-13 12:08:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

while i was at church they were singing this song and the guy playing the guitar said sorry if i sound a little off my g string broke and didn't have a replacement.

when he said this i couldn't stop laughing and i was the only idiot in the church laughing

2006-08-13 12:07:50 · 26 answers · asked by raul b 2

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

2006-08-13 12:01:23 · 7 answers · asked by puggtiracer 3

2006-08-13 11:49:07 · 12 answers · asked by Vasko Bashoski 1

where was i, and what did i do?

2006-08-13 11:39:22 · 7 answers · asked by Mr Spock 4

2006-08-13 11:33:46 · 3 answers · asked by ? 6

you ever read a joke book and they are just some mediocre jokes with a few good ones and some that just suck well i am writing a joke book give me your funniest jokes and i'll thow you in the credits for the book. The truly funniest will get ten points.


p.s. no chuck norris or momma jokes
chuck aint that tough and momma jokes are best left on the tv show

2006-08-13 11:15:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

When i was going into town i saw the wierdest thing. I saw 4 cars with 4 clowns in each trunk, 2 elephants with a clown on each head and back and 4 clowns driving a vehichle with 3 dogs tooting the horns, beside the dogs were 7 chickens each with their own bow around their neck. 3 lil pigs were singing with glee and the big bad wolf was right behind them huffing and puffing
how many people were going into town?

2006-08-13 11:07:48 · 22 answers · asked by kikiaboo29 3

a police officer is working at the booking desk when a guy comes in, the officer asks, "what are you in for" the guy replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park" the officer looks confused and says, "blowing bubbles in the park??? whatever, just go in the cell" about half an hour later, another guy comes in and the officer asks the same thing, the guy says, "I was blowing bubbles in the park" the officer then, (still confused) "Thats the same thing the other guy said.. anyways, go into the cell" Another half an hour later, ANOTHER guy comes in, now, getting used to the guys coming in for blowing bubbles (whatever that was) the officer says, "Lemme guess, you got caught blowing bubbles in the park??" the guy looks at him and says, "No, Im Bubbles" LMAO

2006-08-13 11:05:54 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your In a Hurricane but your in a car and you past by a bus stop and theres a dying old lady, your best friend, and the girl or guy of your dreams who do you pick up???

The first person to solve this riddle gets 10 points

Good Luck

2006-08-13 11:04:28 · 13 answers · asked by beanie21 2

it is a proven fact that all left handed people are in there right minds . be the first to tell me why and u will get the 10 points

good luck

2006-08-13 11:01:38 · 14 answers · asked by kikiaboo29 3

2006-08-13 11:01:30 · 7 answers · asked by bumpercar 3