Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A truck driver stops at a roadside cafe, and three motorcyclists at the next table decide to give him a hard time. They knock over his coffee, steal his pie, and pour salt on his head. The truck driver does nothing, just pays his check and leaves. "That truck driver ain't much of a fighter," says one of the bikers. "He ain't much of a driver, either," says the waitress, looking out the window. "He just ran his truck over three motorcycles!"

2006-08-13 16:55:55 · 19 answers · asked by LaBeLlAvItA 1

2006-08-13 16:55:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 16:46:01 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

has any1 ever heard of dane cook? hes a really funny comidean

if u have heard of him...do u no where i can find his stuff like his episodes or wateva?

i wanna put it on my ipod...my friend did that

o yeh...wats ur fave episode thingie?

mine is the monopoly 1
ITZ 4 IN THE MORNING GRANDMA U WIN
DONT TOUCH ME GRANDPA! NANA IS A CHEATING WH*ORE!

haha hes sooo funny

2006-08-13 16:21:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 15:57:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

All the other older men looked on with a mixture of "uh oh" and admiration on their faces, not sure what was up his sleeve. But that didn't faze the braggart.

"You're on, old man," the strapping young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, punk. Get in."

2006-08-13 15:45:23 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they got together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, on crutches, his arm in a sling, with various bandages, spoke first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb! The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, an arm and both legs in casts, and with an intraveneous drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me, so I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul! And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of time praising Jesus. YEA brother!"

They both turned to the rabbi who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi squinted up at them and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear...."

2006-08-13 15:43:23 · 6 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.


EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!

2006-08-13 15:40:43 · 13 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches? How?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

2006-08-13 15:37:15 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

2006-08-13 15:20:49 · 19 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your breasts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

2006-08-13 15:17:43 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

purple people eater?

2006-08-13 15:14:31 · 9 answers · asked by ghostguff 2

OK i need some funny clean jokes. The funniest joke gets 10 points.

2006-08-13 15:11:49 · 39 answers · asked by winterheartsguild 4

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite Us To Your Next Blowout

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones -- At Your Cervix

On a plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

On a plastic surgeon's office door:
Hello! Can we pick your nose?

At a towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows.

On an electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts

On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push!

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a taxidermist's window:
We Really Know Our Stuff

In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.

In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.

and...

At a propane filling station:
Thank Heaven For Little Grills

2006-08-13 14:58:05 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Lisa was in the garden filling up a big hole in the dirt when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Lisa?"

"My goldfish died," replied Lisa tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned.

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" he asked.

Lisa patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

2006-08-13 14:54:50 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

7. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

31. If your family tree doesn't branch.....

2006-08-13 14:53:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 14:48:01 · 7 answers · asked by marie 1

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate ... and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!

Finally she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She had found a solution! The little fly realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

Alas, she dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

The moral to this sad story? "Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s-h-i-t."

2006-08-13 14:26:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

2006-08-13 14:23:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me," he says, as he starts emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones -- every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are!" He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear, sir," the prospect assured him. "I'm a happily married man!"

"So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a bottle of aspirin?"

2006-08-13 14:22:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Decorating the house (OK: boarding up windows).

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".

6. Family coming to stay with you

5. Family and friends from out of state call.

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.

3. Days off from work.

2. Candles.

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:

1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

2006-08-13 14:20:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 14:19:35 · 13 answers · asked by ₦âħí»€G 6

2006-08-13 14:17:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-13 14:14:30 · 4 answers · asked by jamsipooh 1

is testiballs a good one

2006-08-13 14:13:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A salesman is pressing a farmer about the finer points of his new combine when he suddenly notices one of the roosters in the farmer's yard.

The rooster is wearing a shirt, and pants with suspenders. It's all he can do to not gasp.

"What the hell is that all about?" he asks the farmer.

"A year or two ago, we had a fire in the chicken coop," the farmer explains. "That rooster stayed in there until all the hens could get out, and he ended up with all his feathers burned off. Well, the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"That's amazing," the salesman said. "But you have to admit, it looks kinda funny."

"That ain't nothin'," the farmer says. "You should see him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

2006-08-13 14:07:06 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I'm pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." But then the young priest could tell that his senior partner had a reservation.

Is there a problem?" he asked.

"Yes," said the elderly priest. "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "both confessions and the contributions in the collection plate have nearly doubled since we began that!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign -- "Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell" -- just can't stay on the church roof!"

2006-08-13 14:05:27 · 4 answers · asked by Woody 3

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

2006-08-13 14:03:34 · 17 answers · asked by Woody 3

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new rifle for hunting season. He goes to a gun shop and asks the clerk to show him the best hunting rifle he has. The clerk shows him a beauty, and the man says he'll take it.

The clerk then takes out a scope, and says to the man, "You may want a scope, too. This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and hands back one of the bullets.

"What, you don't want to do it?" the clerk asks.

"It's not that," the man replies. "I just think I can do it with one shot!"

2006-08-13 14:00:31 · 15 answers · asked by Woody 3

It can be Whatever type, best answer get's the 10 points

2006-08-13 13:54:35 · 10 answers · asked by littlehuevo 3