who wants ten points?

Question

OK i need some funny clean jokes. The funniest joke gets 10 points.

i need it for school assignment!!!

Answer 1

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 2

A nun in a convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man here to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in." The blind man walks into the bathroom and mother superior starts tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man finally interrupts "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"

Here's another:
A blonde is sitting on a plane next to an annoying, pushy businessman. The man asks her if she would like to play a game. Sh politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says: "It goes like this. I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you give me $5, and vice-versa." She declines his offer once again, and tries to fall asleep. The man tries harder, "Aw, come on, I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?" At that number, the blonde agrees. The businessman explains the game again, "Remember, if you get my question wrong you give me $5, and when you ask the question, if I get it wrong, I will pay you $500."
"Got it," She replies.
He asks, "Okay, who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know, and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she asks, "What has purple legs, five arms and 3 yellow teeth?" The businessman doesn't know- he uses his laptop, checks the internet, emails his friends. No one knows the answer. He reluctantly hands her $500.
As they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

Answer 3

I can't think of any but can I have like 7.5 pts cause I'm kinda cool? Wait, how about Did you hear about the bear and the rabbit in the woods? The bear looked down at the rabbit and said "Hey rabbit, you ever had the problem of $hit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit thought about it and said "No, bear. I've never had that problem." The bear said "Good!" and picked up the rabbit and wiped his @ss.
Thats the best joke I've ever heard! Of course it might have been b/c I was young and got to say $hit and @ss and not get into trouble! But for school you could say poop and butt?!? So is that worth 10???

Answer 4

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
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The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
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Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

Answer 5

One day two young brothers were taking a long walk through the forest. A lake bordered the edge of the woods, and as they came near they heard splashing.
They slowly crept up to the lake, staying hidden by the foliage, until what did they see.
A beautiful girl with long blonde hair, skinny dipping in the lake. They stood there for a long while, amazed at the sight they were seeing.
Suddenly the older brother took off, running as fast as could. His brother chased him and just managed to catch up.
Why are you running away? little brother asked.
Well you know how Mom told us if we ever looked at a naked lady we'd turn into stone.
I felt it happening!!!!!

Answer 6

This is kinda corny( you know.. not-funny!..) but just a stupid story I wanna share..


Catherine and the Cheeses

Catherine the farm girl was so simple and naive that she was always getting into trouble. One day, she was taking the cheeses to the market, when one fell out of her basket and rolled off down the hill.

'I really don't feel like chasing after it. I'll send someone else to get it back.'

So she rolled another cheese off after the first. She waited and waited, but neither of the cheese came back.

'Perhaps they want company,' thought Catherine, and sent off a third cheese. When none of them came back, she thought that perhaps the third cheese had gone the wrong way, and so she sent a fourth to look for it. She then sent off the fifth cheese, and the sixth, and the seventh, until eventually her basket was empty.

For a while, she waited patiently but then she grew annoyed. 'If you cheeses think I can be bothered wasting my time waiting for you, you're wrong. I'm going ahead without you, and you can just run along behind m. That'll teach you to be so disobedient.'

So she arrived at the market empty handed, and her husband shouted at her. "why are you so angry?' asked Catherine. "In just a few minutes those cheeses will be along, you'll see!'

Answer 7

Hmm clean joke gosh that's hard...okay here goes I think it's kinda clean...lol:

Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman."But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


LOL do I get ten points?

Answer 8

Voodoo Enronomics

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Answer 9

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Answer 10

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"