Who an make me laugh?

Question

Looking for good jokes!

Answer 1

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?

Answer 2

There's was a woman who had a lifelong crush on the Beatles and went to a local tatoo parlor and requested Paul McCartney on her left thigh and John Lennon on her right thigh so the guy went to work and told the woman not to take her bandages off for 2 weeks. Two weeks passed and the lady took off her bandages but to her horror they looked nothing like the two Beatles and in a rage she went back to the tatoo parlor and her and the owner got into a big argument. Finally they decided to get a third impartial opinion so they went outside and saw a wino reeking of alcohol so the woman raised her skirt and inquired whether they looked like the two Beatles To which the drunk replied "I dunno but the one in the middle with the beard and the bad breath has gotta be Willie Nelson"

Answer 3

Proctologist was tired of his profession.Decided to take up auto mechanics.He went through all the courses and came time for final exam..,after the tests were graded..,he made 150 for the score.He asked the instructor "why did I get 150?",Instructor said well you took the engine apart and put it back together and you took the carburator apart and put that back together.Proctologist said yeh thats 50 ea which comes to the total score. of 100.,what was the extra points for?The instructor told him you were the only one that did it all through the tailpipe.

Answer 4

ELEVEN PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men
and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and
kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return.


As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
their hands.......

Answer 5

Fidel Castro has been in the news lately. Not many people remember that during the Sixties, after the humiliating Missile Crisis, he tried to pull off a propaganda coup that would embarrass the United States.

Castro contacted the American manufactureres of condoms and ordered one million condoms-- each sixteen inches long!

With typical American ingenuity, we turned the propaganda coup to our advantage, by shipping them in crates marked "MEDIUM".

Answer 6

See what you think of this one----Three pigs are in a barnyard. The first one says "Oink oink"
The second pig says "Oink, oink, oink"
The third pig says "Moooo"
The other two pigs do a doubletake.
Overhearing the third pig, the farmer asks,"What did you say?"
Mooooo"
"That's crazy" says the farmer. "Pigs don't say "mooo"!
"I know, but I'm trying to learn a second language"

Answer 7

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 8

My love like is so terrible, the last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Answer 9

A pirate walks into a bar with a sterring wheel in his pants...the bartender says why do you have a steering wheel in your pants and the pirate says ARRR it drives me nuts...lol jk

Answer 10

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."