i need the funniest joke you know, please?

Question

ill make it worth your while...lol...kind of...not really

Answer 1

http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jokes/
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html
http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes/yo-mama-jokes/funny-yo-mama-jokes.htm
http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/?id_category=98
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp

Please visit the above pages. I hope, it helps u.

Answer 2

not a joke just a funny poem:


One Payday Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O'Honey, so he took Mary Jane behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. He began to feel her Mounds. That was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Juicyfruit and caused a Milky Way. She screamed Oh Henry as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts. Mary Jane said "You are even better than the Three Musketeers." Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later had a Baby Ruth.

Answer 3

Here are a few:


There was a priest and a minister on the side of a road. There was a sign that said, "Beware! The end is near!"
A man drove past them and said, "You religious freaks! Get a real job!" After that, he turned a corner and the priest and minister heard a big splash. "Do you think," said the minister, "that we should just write "the bridge is out?"


---x---


Dialogues from a standard 3 class room (between two students Tom the smart and Johnny the genius & the teacher)
Tom: Teacher, teacher; is the bus is male or female?
Teacher: Hmm…. (Thinks ….)
Johnny: It’s female
Tom: But y Johnny?
Johnny: B-coz everybody enters in it.
Teacher is in trouble while Tom in doubt hearing this answer.
Tom: If bus is female and everybody enters in then y bus do not get pregnant?
Johnny: B-coz all enters from back door.
Teacher is now in deep trouble while Tom becomes more curious.
Tom insists: But driver and the checker enter from front door?
Johnny: You didn’t notice ever!! They wear hat before entering.


---x---


# How to get across the river

A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.

---x---

# I deserve a first class seat

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blond is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

---x---

# I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Answer 4

Ok a new preist gets sent to his new parish. He walks in and meets the head preist so the head preist takes a step back and says my son i am putting you in the confessional on your first day. The new preist gets really scared and says but father what if i dont know what to do. The older preist says dont worry on the inside wall on your side we have a cheat sheet with all the sins and the punishment for each sin posted in alphabetical order. So the you ng preist steps in and sure enough there it is. So the first person walks in and says father forgive me for i have sinned. The preist says confess your sins my son and all will be forgiven. Well father i lied. So the young preist looks down the list and sure enough there it is. Lier= 4Hail Marys and 4 our fathers. Well this is going like this all day so the young preist is getting kinda cocky because everthing is going great but the this woman walks in and says forgive me father for i have sinned. Well the young preist feeling kinda cocky says. Speak of your sins my child and all will be forgiven. The lady says well father i got drunk at a bar last night and wound up in the parking lot giving this total stranger a BJ. So the preist looks all over the list and to his suprise he cant find BJ. So he says give me 1 sec and i will find out. So he leans out the door and looks all around the church and all he see's are alter boys. So he calls one over and says hey what do you normally get for a BJ? The alter boy looks at him tilts his head to the side and says a couple of twinkies and a six pack of pepsi. Hope you liked the joke.

Answer 5

okay, I have a few I think are really funny..

1.-There was a blonde woman that needed some money so she went to the park where she saw a little boy. She then wrote a note saying "I have kidnapped your child. Tomorrow put $5000 in a brown paper bag and leave it under the bench that’s next to the pine tree at the park." She taped the note to the kid and told him to go home to his mom and show her the note. Sure enough, the next day there was the brown paper bag under the bench, with all the money in it. Also in the bag was a note that said "HOW could you do this to a fellow blonde!?"


2.-Two blonds where in Oklahoma. One says, which is closer: the moon or Florida? The other says: heeeeellloooo? Can you SEE Florida?


3.-A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde get lost in the forest. They start walking around, and suddenly, they find a mirror. It has a reading on the top: say a lie in front of this mirror and you’ll disappear to a better world. So the brunette goes first. She says: “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on the Earth”, and she disappears. The redhead goes next: “I think I’m the most intelligent person on Earth”, and she vanishes. The blonde walks forward, and steps in front of the mirror. She starts talking: “I think…” and she vanishes.


4.-A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For best results, put on two coats".


5.- A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine, she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this until a guy standing behind her said, "Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Like duh not when I am winning!!"

7.-What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
The last years hide-n-seek winner

8.- What did the blonde say when she looked in the Cheerio box?
Ah!, Look! Donut seeds!

9.- A blonde, a brunette and a redhead robed a bank, and the police is chasing them, so they go hide in a farm. The brunette hides with the sheep, the redhead with the pigs and the blonde on a sack of potatoes. When the police arrives they ask: "Is somebody there?". The brunette goes: "Heeee, Heeee", the redhead goes: "Oink, oink", and the blonde goes "Potatoes! Potatoes!"

NOT BLONDE ONES, BUT VERY FUNNY!!!:

10.- A rabbit is riding a motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes ?' Rabbit: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?' Driver: 'No I haven't' The rabbit drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes ?' Rabbit: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?' Driver: 'No I haven't' Then suddenly there is a curve, the rabbit sees it too late. He crashes of the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky rabbit. Covered in blood and surely dying, the rabbit asks: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?'
'Yes I have. I had a Honda for twenty years' the man answers. The rabbit asks: Where are the brakes??




so a man buys a parrot from a store at a really low price, but he was not allowed to return the parrot after he bougth it, he ws fine with that, he had been wanting one. well, they had just gotten in teh car when the parrot cursed, sweared, yelled nasty names at the guy and so on, and it did it all the way home, when they got to the house, the man thought he could quiet it up by putting a blanket over the cage but that only made it worse. so after over an hour of trying to shut the bird up, he finially puts the bird in the freezer. well he shouts louder, and louder then quieter and quieter,until he stops, the man, afraid he killed the bird, opens the freezer door to let it out, and he finds it curled up. he brings it out, relieved to find it alive, and asked if it was okay. then bird didn't speak for a while, then says ' ssssoooo whattt dddiiiidd thhheeee ttttuurrkkey dddooo?'



a priest is new in town, and he is the replacement of an elderly priest. well, he didn't know it, but in that town there was a LOT of affairs going on, well, the old priest got so sick of hearing everyone confess of adultry that he said they must stop commiting that sin, because he didn't want to hear it again. well, the towns people made a new name for adultry, which was now 'tri' or instead of I have commited adultry, it was, I have tripped, so thjis new priest, who hadn't learned the new word for it yet, had been there only one day, when half the town went to him saying they had 'tripped' well, he wasn't sure what this meant but he went on through the day, and made an appnt. with the mayor the next day. well, he went up to him and said 'sir, is there somthing wrong with the sidewalks in the town, everyone keeps telling me they have tripped' well, the mayor was about to explaine what it meant, and why they used that word, when the priest wnet on, he said " why sir, your wife has tripped three times today already"

Answer 6

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

this is actually the worlds funniest joke....

Answer 7

If I thought a joke was mean/racist, I wouldn't even post it. How can you not like it, yet think it's funny. The assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was not a joke. It was very real, and it was a tremendous loss to this nation. He worked to bring all ethnicities together, and he was certainly not the only person who had a dream. That dream is the reason why whatever racist fool posted that "joke" can even live in this society. I know you want a joke, but I had to comment on that idiot.

Answer 8

Someone in my class told me this.
I'm sorry if you support Bush but............anyways.

Bush was stranded on an island and a genie came to him and said,"You have two wishes. What is your first wish?" Bush said,"I wish I was back in the White House." Poof...He was in the White House. The genie said," What is your second wish?" Then Bush said," I Wish my people were happy." Poof...He was back at the island.



Here is another George Bush joke:


George Bush was teaching a 3rd grade spelling class. He said they were going to be learning the word " tragedy " He asked is anyone could give an example of a tragedy. One boy raised his hand and said a school bus filled with kids that blew up would be a tragedy, but george said " no that would be a bad accident" one girl raised her hand and said " a guy that fell off a cliff would be a tragedy" but george said no that would be suicide. Then proudly this other little boy raised his hand his hand and said " a plane that had you and your wife in it and it crashed would be a tragedy" and george said Yes that would be a tragedy. can you tell me why? the boy said it wouldnt be a bad accident and it wouldnt be suicide either.


Sorry If you are a Blonde.This is a Blonde joke:

A Brunette goes to this Blonde's house. The Brunette walked out in the backyard and saw the Blonde's dog. She walk back in the house and says,"why is your dog wearing a watch?" The blonde answers back," It is supposed to wear a watch because it's a watchdog."

This is another Blonde joke:

There is a blonde who gets pulled over by a blonde police.The cop asks for her license..the Blonde looks through her purse..and asks what does it look like, the cop says its a rectangular thing you can see yourself in..so the blonde looks through her purse again and pulls out a mirror looks in it and shows it to the cop..the cop says oh i didnt know you were a cop go on ahead.

Answer 9

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

Answer 10

In response to the blonde joke about the river:

Someone yells to a blonde across the river, "Hey, how can I get to the other side?" She replies, "Silly man. You ARE on the other side.

Also:
A man walks into the bedroom where his wife is in bed and he has a chicken tucked under his arm. He says, "See, This is the pig I've been f**king. She says, " Honey, that's a chicken." He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you!"

Answer 11

Q. Whats the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?
A. the jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

Note, it's a mechanics joke, I'm an airplane mechanic