Tell me a joke?

Question

I'm bored much.

Answer 1

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 2

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Answer 3

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next
to a nice priest whom she asked, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"
"Here's the problem...... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I
paid an enormous sum of money. I have already gone over the declaration limits and I'm worried
that they'll confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," and she
gave him the hair remover.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was
asked, "Father, havw you anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but
which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

Answer 4

Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull.

The largest of the three said, "Well, he ain't getting none of my cows."

The medium bull said, "He ain't getting none of my cows."

The little bull said, "Well, if he ain't getting any of your's, them he sure as hell ain't getting one of mine."

Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. He's big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says, "He can have my cows," the medium bull says, "He can have mine, too." The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on.

"What's with you?" the other two asked. "I'm just showing him I ain't a cow!" answered he.

Answer 5

there were 2 guys who captured by natives on a deserted island.
they were going to boil these 2 guys alive.
when they are in the boiling bowl, the 1st guy was crying out loud and said : "oh, please don't boil me alive...help me"
but the 2nd guy was laughing as hell.
then the 1st guy asked him "why are you laughing, don't u know that we are going to die?"
the 2nd guy said: "pssttt, be quiet...they didn't know that i just pee in this bowl"

Answer 6

ok ur a joke

Answer 7

I'll tell U a JOKE!!!! That's iT!!

Answer 8

What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents???Skeet

Answer 9

My husband and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary this week. We've been married 21 years. Feels like 10 minutes .............................................................................................................................................................................. underwater.