Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

One beautiful snowy Christmas Eve Mickey Mouse looks out of his window, only to discover that someone had written, "Mickey Mouse sucks penis!" in pee in the snow.

Outraged Mickey calls the police and tells them to come down and investigate. The police came over and looked around Mickey's yard and took samples, about an hour later the chief of police came to Mickey and said, "Mickey Mouse, we have bad news and really bad news for you."

"Well," said Mickey, " give me the bad news first." The police officer looks at Mickey and says, " Well, the bad news is the pee belongs to Goofy. And the really bad news is that it is Minnie's handwritting."

How did you like my Mickey's christmas joke?

2006-07-28 08:49:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anayden 4

A husband got himself into trouble by forgetting his wedding anniversary.
His wife coyly advised him, "Tomorrow, there'd better be something in the
driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for next Saturday at
McCloskey's Funeral Parlor.

2006-07-28 08:45:14 · 8 answers · asked by PC 2

Am I crazy if I talk to myself??

2006-07-28 08:45:07 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

2006-07-28 08:27:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 08:21:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it because you gonna have Pain In The A$$ (PITA) after eating it?

2006-07-28 08:12:18 · 6 answers · asked by Hot lips for you 3

3turtles Jo,Sam&Ray,go on a picnic.Jo packs the basket with bottled sodas&sandwiches.The site is 10miles away, so the turtles take10days to get there.They arrive&all are tired.Jo takes takes out sodas&says Sam, give me the bottle opener.' 'I didnt bring it,' Sam says.'I thought u packed it.'Jo gets worried. Turns to Ray.'Do u have it?' Ray doesnt.Jo&Sam beg Ray to turn back home&get it, but Ray refuses, knowing they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.After 2hrs, the turtles convince Ray to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves they wont touch the food.Ray sets off down the road, slow and steadily.20 days pass, no Ray.Jo&Sam are hungry but a promise is a promise.3 more days pass without Ray in sight. Sam gets restless.'I NEED FOOD!' he says.'NO!'Joe says, we promised.' 5 more days.Jo realizes that Ray ate dinner down the road, so the 2turtles get a sandwich&open their mouths to eat.Right that instant,Ray pops out from behind a rock&says 'just for that im not going.'

2006-07-28 08:04:36 · 26 answers · asked by Bored silly 3

I always loose just one, of a pair, in the wash. If I lost both, I would likely not notice, now would I.

I’m looking for the most creative, original, and/or funny answer. No serious answers.

2006-07-28 08:01:44 · 28 answers · asked by Marvin 7

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1.. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

2006-07-28 07:49:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was wondering, the government could save tons of money by letting the Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons deliver the mail. They're going to everyone's house already. Just a thought

Disclaimer: this is just a joke.

2006-07-28 07:43:48 · 22 answers · asked by maria f 2

Q:What do u get when u come accross a pig and a karate person?

2006-07-28 07:40:43 · 26 answers · asked by Marstar824 1

:)



Keep the tip.

2006-07-28 07:38:43 · 9 answers · asked by Coo coo achoo 6

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city
department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world -
you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever
been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said
the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start
tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was
long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you
make today?" "One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales
a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand
dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small
fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then
I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I
asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I
said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin
engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to
pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new
Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in
astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish
hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of
Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you
may as well go fishing.'

2006-07-28 07:35:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 07:30:29 · 11 answers · asked by soccer allie <3 3

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. "She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

So Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history....

2006-07-28 07:27:19 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 07:27:05 · 14 answers · asked by postypaul 3

when ever he comes to office if alone at lift ,he stops at the 10th floor and uses the stair case to finish up the remainig five, but with other staff in the lift he goes straight to his office. My question is why is he not going straight to his office when alone in the lift?

2006-07-28 07:26:18 · 2 answers · asked by bob 1

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

2006-07-28 07:25:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 07:25:49 · 29 answers · asked by virgowiccangirl 3

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

2006-07-28 07:24:21 · 23 answers · asked by Antoine 2

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.

God greets her at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."

God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

2006-07-28 07:21:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man travelling through Ireland stops at a pub to ask directions. He asks the bartender,"What's the quickest way to Dublin?"
The bartender responds,"Are you walking or driving?"
The man says,"Driving."
The bartender says,"Well, that's the quickest way."

2006-07-28 07:19:37 · 4 answers · asked by Coo coo achoo 6

2006-07-28 07:17:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 07:10:43 · 12 answers · asked by apm2006 3

Funniest joke gets the 10 point prize.
no racist or sick jokes.
Hint: I like Funny storys.

2006-07-28 07:07:08 · 8 answers · asked by Moonlight Rose 3

When the Pilgrim Fathers crossed an ocean with a chicken.

2006-07-28 06:58:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm in a pretty pissed off mood. We've been planning this camping trip for about a month now, and my IDIOT COUSIN never made reservations, so he shows up to the camp grounds, and they are full. We've got like 7 families ready to camp with nowhere to go. Anybody know of a way to cheer me up before i decapitate someone here at work?

2006-07-28 06:54:02 · 6 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

Two traveling angels

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...

2006-07-28 06:52:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

factorial (!) + n = percent (%)

What is the value of n?

2006-07-28 06:35:57 · 10 answers · asked by big_dave_x 4

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour", are we ACTUALLY rushing or honking horns?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who does the testing?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', is Congress the opposite of Progress?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

2006-07-28 06:29:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous