Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-28 06:27:46 · 24 answers · asked by Boo Boo 4

Why aren't there any mexican on Star Trek?
They won't work in the future either!
What do you call a gang of blacks running down a hill?
Jailbreak!
Why do blacks put their garbage in clear bags?
So indians can window shop!
How do you know you have a queer Jew?
He likes money more than girls.
What do you call a building full of blacks?
A jail!
How do you kill a mexican?
Throw a quarter off a cliff.
What do you get when you breed a black and a mexican?
A theif who's too lazy to steal!
How do you find the richest mexican in town?
Drop a penny, whoever catches it is the richest mexican!
How do you start a mexican parade?
Roll a quarter down the street!
A mexican and a black are riding in car . . who's driving?
A cop!
How do you hide money from a mexican?
Hide it under a bar of soap!
Why is there no mexican olympic team?
All the spics who can run, jump or swim are in the U.S.!
What's faster than a speeding bullet?
jew with a coupon

2006-07-28 06:03:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sometimes when I'm bored in WalMart I'll take condoms and suppositores and drop them into people's baskets (without them noticing of course). What would you do?

2006-07-28 05:59:58 · 12 answers · asked by Mr. Christopher 2

If your name is Kayla, answer this.
If your name is hide, dont,
If you`re name is Cat face, answer this.
If your name is pizza , come to my door

2006-07-28 05:59:48 · 13 answers · asked by Advice Girl 1

When you find yourself dealing with someone online who's a little bit too wrapped up in their computer (like some cyber sex nut), refer them to this site:

http://www.myclassiclyrics.com/britney_spears/britney_super_hot.wmv

2006-07-28 05:59:47 · 3 answers · asked by Michael F 3

He said im sorry we dont sell to blondes in this store. The next day the lady dyed her hair brown. She asked the cashier how much is the tv. He said im sorry we dont sel to blondes at this store. The next day the lady dyed her hair red and asked how much the tv was and the cashier said im sorry we dont sell to blondes at this store. The next day she cut off all her hair and asked how much the tv was and the cashier said im sorry we dont sell to blondes at this store. She asked him how do u kno that im a blonde? The cashier said because that's not a tv, its a microwave.

2006-07-28 05:59:47 · 18 answers · asked by crazisexicool 2

I speak many words
That you sometimes can not say.
I can be moving and
Emotional, exhilerating,
Horrifying, and anything in between.
I can stun, amaze, make your
Mind wander.
I've been the source of mystery
For ages, and I will
Always be close to your heart
If you value me.

2006-07-28 05:59:09 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

2006-07-28 05:51:38 · 10 answers · asked by skyzze 1

a river in a canoe which only holds two people. One person has to bring the boat back (it can't be pushed, etc.). The trouble is, if there are ever more cannibals than missionaries the cannibals will eat the missionaries. How can the six get safely across?

2006-07-28 05:25:54 · 17 answers · asked by evil_lyn77 3

a river in a canoe which only holds two people. One person has to bring the boat back (it can't be pushed, etc.). The trouble is, if there are ever more cannibals than missionaries the cannibals will eat the missionaries. How can the six get safely across?

2006-07-28 05:25:43 · 5 answers · asked by evil_lyn77 3

Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old
daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

2006-07-28 05:09:23 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Man is stuck in a room with no windows no doors. concrete walls 15 feet deep. only thing in the room is a wooden bench and a light. how does he get out. Answer and get 10 points.

2006-07-28 05:08:59 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two friends are talking.

"Hey how'd u find my newly wed wife?
"Your wife is a charmer. the other day i met her on the bus and she was saying a joke. and i laugh and laugh and laugh, lucky that i never fell out of the bed."

2006-07-28 05:00:26 · 6 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

Smoky G can roll a new cigarette from 10 cigarette butts. How many can he smoke is he had 100 butts?

2006-07-28 04:53:05 · 20 answers · asked by mityaj 3

Why do women live longer than men?
cos' the painted last longer...

How to keep the bed sheet clean on the wedding nite?
wash ur feets!

Can i sleep with my bed room window open?
yeah sure! make sure u sleep with ur wife.

2006-07-28 04:49:49 · 9 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

There was a nasty witch called Camilla and a nice witch called Kiley and they both had watches. One of them was digital watch and the other was a normal watch. Now even though Kiley had a normal watch she watched the other watch.
So which watch was that?

2006-07-28 04:42:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 04:38:05 · 8 answers · asked by K-Boogie 2

Ok, I know it's an old riddle from like, 2nd grade, but still kind of cute.

2006-07-28 04:36:03 · 4 answers · asked by jfahd 4

I have a box with a lock on it. I want to send the box to my friend, but I don't want to send the key with it because I am afraid of losing it. Can anybody show me how to send the box safely with the key and yet my friend can still open the box without the key?

2006-07-28 04:34:25 · 14 answers · asked by MyDyingLove 1

there was a guy who had jus been informed that his would be wife is giving birth to somebody' else s son..and he says "its ok..i am basically a lazy person..so i dont mind"

2006-07-28 04:34:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anubhav~~!! 3

Wife dreaming in the middle of d night suddenly shouts
"quick my husband is back".man gts up,jumps out d window & realises
"damn, i'm d husband"

2006-07-28 04:31:41 · 18 answers · asked by Devil M 5

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front
of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.?

"You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."?

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well.. there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

He never heard the shot. --


Silly or just plain stupid ...which one?
Funny comments score the big points!

Sharin' my smiles...
SmileyCat : )

2006-07-28 04:30:53 · 7 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

It's brown.

2006-07-28 04:26:50 · 42 answers · asked by Anna 3

Willys cynical thought for the day;

If you'll come to my funeral I'll freaking go to yours!

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

And especially; guys make multiple prints of this un, I can't remember all the times this lil knowledge has saved me;

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful please

THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense; let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-28 04:25:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

He went to the doctor and asked him that . The Doctor said, I'm really stumped, I've never seen this before, What was the last thing you did before you noticed this? The man replied: All I was doing was sitting in my chair watching a Porno and eating Cheeto's

2006-07-28 04:14:48 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry folks--- they are a bit long this week.
In Ireland, drink and driving used to be considered as a sport !
A Garda (Irish police) patrol was parked outside a bar when they noticed a man leaving the pub so drunk he could hardly walk -- and he staggered around the car park for fifteen minutes trying to locate his car.After an eternity, trying to fit his keys into five different cars the man finally found his own car and fell inside.
He sat there for some time obviously trying to put his keys into the ignition as the car park around him gradually emptied of other patrons.He flicked the lights on then off, tooted the horn and put the wipers on at max speed, reversed the car a couple of yards and stalled as the remaining customers made their way home.By this time the Garda had seen enough and pulled the man over to carry out a breath test.When the test proved negative the surprised Garda thought it was broken.
'No' said the man 'tonight I'm the decoy'
IT'S OK FOLKS Surdy is IRISH

2006-07-28 03:58:29 · 8 answers · asked by surdy 2

Dear Diary:

For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a member of the high school bowling team, I decided it would be a good idea to give it a try. I called the health club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, a dazzling white smile and a deep sexy voice. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week, I am already planning to join!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill ,but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT, it's a whole new life for me!

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it, my damn arms hurt to bad to do it the regular way. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving to the club was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot because I could not pull my leg up to brake. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds me, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me this would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to workout with the dumbbells.

When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's room. He sent Lana (the *****) to find me, as punishment he put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

Friday:
I hate the bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of mankind! Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body that could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the #!*%!*$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a twinkie. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna *** laude from?)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel from the couch.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week from Hell is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy!

2006-07-28 03:55:48 · 14 answers · asked by maria f 2

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

2006-07-28 03:54:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

:)



If so.... how'd you get their little legs apart?

2006-07-28 03:53:58 · 13 answers · asked by Coo coo achoo 6

yo mama's so stupid

2006-07-28 03:48:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous