I'M PISSED!! Anybody know any good jokes?

Question

I'm in a pretty pissed off mood. We've been planning this camping trip for about a month now, and my IDIOT COUSIN never made reservations, so he shows up to the camp grounds, and they are full. We've got like 7 families ready to camp with nowhere to go. Anybody know of a way to cheer me up before i decapitate someone here at work?

Answer 1

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Answer 2

Mechanic vs. surgeon.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a
well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, leaned over, smiled, and whispered to the mechanic:


"Try doing it with the engine running."

Answer 3

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Answer 4

an irish man walks OUT of a bar.

a dyslexic man walks into a bra.

a man walks into the bar and goes to the counter. he has a horrible stutter and asks, "Can i get a bbbbbbbbbbbb-whiskey?" the bartender gives him one and says, "you know, i used to have a bad stutter, even worse than yours."
"rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreally?" the man says, "wwwwwell hhow did yyyyyou gget rrrid of it?"
"my wife threw me on the bed, and made love to me for seven hours straight. i haven't stuttered once since. you should try it."
"thththththanks bbbuddy." and the man leaves. the next day he comes back and says, "cccan i ggggget a bbbbbbbbbb-whiskey?"
"it didn't work?"
"nnno, bbut you ggggggot a nnice house."

Answer 5

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Answer 6

a new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.she started her classes by saying,everyone who thinks your stupid,stand up.after a few seconds,little johnny stood up.the teacher said,do you think your stupid,no mama,but i hate to see you standing there by yourself.