Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

okay so there is a field, and there are 2 snowman in a field. one snow buddie starts sniffin and says what is that smell???? then the other one says no all i smell is carrots..............
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
isn't that fricken funny?

2006-07-28 17:13:52 · 22 answers · asked by Sammy 2

Elliot the detective heard the news of a double murder that occurred on a train.
"The driver and the conductor were on the opposite ends of the train, but both were shot at the same time", reported a policeman who was at the center of the train at the time. The policeman had heard both gunshots at the same time. The train was travelling 150 kilometers per hour. Elliot immediately realized that the driver and the conductor were not killed at the same time. How is it so?

2006-07-28 17:10:28 · 6 answers · asked by cherrylimanade 2

Aging Aunt Mildred, a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

2006-07-28 17:09:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone should be able to figure this one out. What is it?

This item is in the range of 6-8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.

It is usually found hung, dangling ready but loosley for instant action. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again, many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white sticky substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready yet for another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What is it?

A toothbrush.

What were you thinking, pervert!?

2006-07-28 17:06:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a girl whose mother just died and she was at her funeral. At the funeral she met this guy that she really liked. After he left she realized she didn't have no way to get back in touch with him and she really liked him.So she went to her sisters house and she killed her sister. Why did she kill her sister???????

2006-07-28 17:04:49 · 9 answers · asked by cheeks3192 2

an *** that will bring tears to your eyes

2006-07-28 17:02:07 · 9 answers · asked by Brak 2

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You do not want to try these techniques at home!"

"Why not?" asked a man from the audience.

"After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.'"

"Well, did your suggestions save much time?" the attendeed asked.

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

2006-07-28 17:01:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are five people on the bus. All of the passengers get off. Then two people get on the bus. Now there are three people on the bus. How can this be?

2006-07-28 16:55:44 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 16:53:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your right side is a dropoff and a valley.

On your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

2006-07-28 16:44:46 · 11 answers · asked by DannyK 6

What would u be?

2006-07-28 16:43:40 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you think somewhere there is a town called Sample and at the entrance to the town there is a sign that says, "You're in Sample"?
Get it? You're in (Urine) Sample?

Ha ha ha!
Peach

2006-07-28 16:41:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

=)

2006-07-28 16:40:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

name something o blind person might use
a sword

name a bird with a long neck
naomi campbell

name an occupation where you need a torch
a burglar

name a famous brother and sister
bonnie and clyde

name a dangerous race
the arabs

name an item of clothing worn by the three musketeers
a horse

name something that floats in the bath
water

name sometthing you wear on the beach
a deckchair

name something red
my cardigan

name a famous cowboy
buck rogers

name a famous royal
mail

name something you have to memorize
7

name something you do before going to bed
sleep

name something you put on walls
rooves

name something in the garden thats green
toolshed

name something that flies that doesnt have an engine
a bicycle with wings

name something you might be allergic to
skiing

name a famous bridge
the bridge over troubled waters

name something a cat does
goes to the toilet

name something you do in the bathroom
decorate

2006-07-28 16:34:52 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

uck?

=)

2006-07-28 16:20:29 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart one day and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her "no" but that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time I was on the diet but I HAD lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Plus the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try the diet again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
Horrified, the woman asked me if I'd ended up in the ER because I'd been poisoned by the dog food.
No..I was lickin' my ball on the curb and got hit by a car!

SmileyCat : )

Funny?

2006-07-28 16:18:05 · 11 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

1. carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. the act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least 12 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum 1 more chance
2. disconfect (dis kon fekt') v. to sterilize the candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs
3. elbonics (el bon' iks) n. the actions of 2 people maneuvering for 1 armrest in a movie theatre
4. elecelleration (el a cel er ay' shun) n. the mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive
5. frust (frust) n. the small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan. Finally the person gives up and sweeps it under the rug
6. lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that 1 has to resort to the 'illegal' side
7. peppier (peh pee ay') n. the waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper
8. phoneesia (fo nee’ zhuh) n. the affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as the answer
9. pupkus (pup’ kus) n. the moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it
10. telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. the act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when your only 6 inches away

2006-07-28 16:15:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you were pizza what type of pizza would you be?

2006-07-28 15:54:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

2006-07-28 15:52:37 · 21 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

tell me da bestest joke uve ever heard dont kare wat it is juss tell me
iam fakin bored as fak

2006-07-28 15:52:02 · 8 answers · asked by YES SIR 3

hint : read it loud and fast

2006-07-28 15:46:55 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

1. i am damn unsatisfied to be killed this way
2. fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep
3. gun wounds again?
4. same old rules: no eyes, no groin
5. a normal person wouldnt steal pituitaries
6. damn, i'll burn you into BBQ chicken
7. take my advice, or i'll spank you without pants
8. who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. quiet you i'll blow your throat up
10. you always use violence, i shouldnt have ordered the glutinous rice chicken
11. i'll fire aimlessly if you dont come out
12. you daring lousy guy
13. beat him out of recognizable shape
14. i got knife scars more than the number of your legs hair
15. beware! your bones are going to be disconnected
16. how can you use my intestines as a gift
17. the bullets inside are very hot. why do i feel so cold?

2006-07-28 15:39:54 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day;

"Just say no" works against addiction like; "have a nice day" does for freaking depression!

She does not have thunder thighs; she develops a Child Rest Area Facility.

She is not talkative; she is a Conversational Opportunist.

She does not get lost all the time; she is Deceptively Directionally Challenged.

You do not buy her a drink; you make a down payment on a recreational facility.

She does not fart and belch; her closest pet is Gastronomically Expressive.

She is not a gold digger; she prefers Economically Differential Relationships.

She does not have a rich daddy; she is the poster child for the "Happily Ever After Foundation"

She is not afraid of lack of commitment; she is Poligamously Challenged.

She's not a low-life c@cksucker; she just prefers me.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-28 15:35:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A black woman dressed for church

2006-07-28 15:31:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A black guy walks into a bar with a duck on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Hey, cool, where did you get that?" Duck says, "Africa, they are all over the fvcking place."

2006-07-28 15:14:43 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day,

To any of you out there who've yet to have kids; If you're still deciding whether or not to bring some into this poor world, I highly recommend you go to lunch at some freaking fast food place and sit next to a bunch of them!

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

Little Johnny nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

Little Johnny nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the Little Johnny nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb aszhole' is it?"

Again Little Johnny nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother." Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-28 15:10:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 15:08:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

which do you think would cost more- one from a man or a woman and why?

2006-07-28 15:01:52 · 30 answers · asked by Melissa D 4

you are in a room and it is completely dark, there is a fireplace, a lantern and a candle. you only have one match, which do you light first?


=)
lily

2006-07-28 14:59:16 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 14:57:08 · 4 answers · asked by nawal 1