Tell me ur bestest joke?

Question

tell me da bestest joke uve ever heard dont kare wat it is juss tell me
iam fakin bored as fak

Answer 1

try this one......hope u like it....

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

Answer 2

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.

The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."

About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.

They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.

Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"

The hitman replies, "Sure."

So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"

This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit.

The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

Jack responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.

He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?

The hitman replies, "Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

Answer 3

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Answer 4

Everybody Knows Bob

One day a bartender was tending his bar, when a fellow walked in, ordered a drink, and said, "Hi, my name's Bob, and I know everybody."
So the bartender, wanting to have a little fun, said, "I bet you don't know Elvis." Bob says,"Oh, I know Elvis! We were kids together, we grew up together." So Bob and the bartender made a bet that Bob didn't know Elvis. Bob and the bartender went down to the cheap appartment in Mexico where Bob thought Elvis was living, tapped on the door, and Elvis answered. "Bob, ole' buddy, long time no see!....etc.." So Bob won his bet with the bartender.
Two weeks later, Bob walks back into the bar, orders a drink, and says, "Hi, my name's Bob, and I know everybody."
So the bartender says, " Oh yeah? I bet you don't know Tom Hanks."
Bob replies, " Oh, yeah, Tom and I were on a Little League team together; I know Tom!" So Bob and the bartender make another bet, and they go to Hollywood. Bob drives them to Tom Hank's mansion, and they knock on the door. Tom Hanks answers the door and exclaims," Bob, where've you been all this time!...etc..." So Bob won his second bet with the bartender,
Three weeks later Bob walks back into the bar, orders a drink, and says, "Hi my name's Bob, and I know everybody."
The bartender looks at Bob, and says,"Look, Bob, you've almost won all my money. But I'll bet my last $200 that you don't know the Pope." Bob says, (Can you guess?)" Oh, yeah, the Pope and I were in Scouts together, I know the Pope."
So Bob and the bartender go to the Vatican and stand with the huddled masses,waiting for the Pope to come out and address them.
The Pope doesn't appear, and Bob says, "Gee, maybe I'd better go check on him and make sure he's OK."The bartender says, "Yeah, you go check on the Pope. Sure." So Bob goes to check on the Pope, and in a few minutes comes out on the little balcony thing with his arm around the Pope.
Then Bob notices that his friend the bartender has passed out, so he excuses himself and runs to the bartender. He quickly revives the bartender and asks,"Gee, was it losing your last $200 that made you pass out like that?"
The bartender replies," No, when you came out with your arm around the Pope, this nice little old lady said, 'Hey, who is that up there with Bob?'

Answer 5

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied

What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied: "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment......... then
took her foot and s tomped them flat and said,

"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden."

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Answer 6

Johnand Edna were talking during dinner about Edna's checkup[doctor] that day.
"So, how'd it go?" John prodded.
"well, I have the breasts of a twenty year old."Edna said proudly.
"Well, what did he say abput your fifty-year-old ***?" John joked.
"oh, honey, you didn't come into the checkup at any time."

Answer 7

Okay, so a talent agent is sitting in his office, when a lovely family walks in...

Answer 8

i love ur smile i lov ur eyes im good at telling lies