Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

Last time, we had this riddle:

What is the best type of paper to use to make a kite?
A: Fly paper! :)

Indeed. Hehhe. And the riddle for today:

Tell me about the thief who stole a calendar?

Have fun :)

2006-07-28 19:30:19 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-28 19:28:36 · 17 answers · asked by L.T. 4

2006-07-28 19:27:32 · 9 answers · asked by BEV T 1

A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange in America with 2000 Yen, and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 Yen, but only gets $62. He asks the lady why he got less money this week than last week.
The lady said, "Fluctuations."
The man says, "Fluck you clazy Americans"

2006-07-28 19:21:47 · 1 answers · asked by I tell it like it is 1

2006-07-28 19:12:50 · 23 answers · asked by L.T. 4

2006-07-28 19:10:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?


Nothing. They've never met.

2006-07-28 19:09:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

=)

2006-07-28 19:07:12 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 19:05:34 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 19:00:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a Mexican, a Canadian and an Redneck on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot.

2. To be hung.

3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the Mexican said, "Shoot me right in the head." Bang! (he was dead instantly).

Then the Canadian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.

Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

2006-07-28 18:45:56 · 15 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

1. If the president is gay does that make his husband the first man?
2.Y does a dog get mad when u blow in it's face but sticks it's head out the window going 60 mph?
3.Y do u drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
4.Y can't we lick our own elbow?
5.How come if it comes by ship it's cargo. But if it comes by car it's a shipment?


Could some one help me out?

2006-07-28 18:43:54 · 8 answers · asked by Shayla 1

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

2006-07-28 18:30:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate", not "fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t-i-t-s are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

2006-07-28 18:28:20 · 8 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

=)

2006-07-28 18:27:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

not a proper noun or a derivative .

2006-07-28 18:20:32 · 15 answers · asked by ricardo t 1

seriously im bored to death and id like to share a laugh with my friends so type away with a good joke please!!!

2006-07-28 18:20:16 · 8 answers · asked by julia k 2

if so email me

2006-07-28 18:16:09 · 4 answers · asked by Toby rocks 1

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-****."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

2006-07-28 18:15:14 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

=)

2006-07-28 18:11:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A soldier emerged from a copse of trees and saw a nun walking along the road.

Breathless and flustered, he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun was very confused but took pity on him and agreed.

A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "Yes, he went that way."

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I
don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

2006-07-28 18:10:29 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

said, "You need to be quiet and learn ya place, woman! Now bend over.."


Just kidding... I actually said "You are the girl of my life."

2006-07-28 18:05:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

=)

2006-07-28 18:04:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is sitting in a bar, just staring at his drink. A half-hour later, he's still there, staring at his drink, and hasn't drunk a drop.

Suddenly a bully steps up to the bar, takes the guy's drink, and drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

"Oh, come on, man!" the bully says. "I was just joking! Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man cry."

"This day is the worst of my life," the man says, mopping at his tears with his sleeve. "First, I got fired for oversleeping and getting to work late. Then, as I'm leaving the building, I find out my car was stolen. I get in a cab to return home and I forget my wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then, I go inside and find my wife in bed with my best friend. So I end up at this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"

2006-07-28 18:00:38 · 5 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my li

2006-07-28 17:57:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

If we breathe oxygen in the daytime
What do we breathe at night??

2006-07-28 17:54:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man named Otis from Arizona dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil (always wanting to make an impression) stops by and asks him, "Hot enough for ya?"

Otis says, "Well, I think the summer of '75 was hotter than this."

The devil, not one to be outdone, goes into the next room to turn up the thermostat. He comes back and says, "How about now? Hot enough for ya?"

Otis says, "Nope, the summer of 68..." he trails off as the devil leaves again.

The devil comes back and says, "Now? How about now?"

Otis shakes his head, and says, "Summer of '62."

"Now?"

"'57."

"Now?"

"53"

"Now?"

"51, now THAT was a hot one!"

By this time the devil's got it so hot, that HE is sweating, and the thermostat is maxed out." So, he turns it all the way down. Immediately, frost starts to form on the walls and ceiling. He goes back to Otis with a big smile on his face, and says, "How do you like it now?"

Otis says, "You mean the Vikings won the Superbowl?"

2006-07-28 17:51:15 · 9 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Everybody going through hell should just keep freaking going!

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-28 17:35:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-28 17:25:26 · 10 answers · asked by neverchild 2

Raise my hand! =)

2006-07-28 17:22:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous