Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

The Sex Fairy

This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I
didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine
and skin smooth.
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2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and
makes your skin glow.
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3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.
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4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
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5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases
endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
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6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These
subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
===========! ==
7 Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes
decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
=============
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around
the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will
visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn,
send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the
rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will
rot. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?).
Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in .5
hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.

2006-07-29 09:05:07 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

2006-07-29 08:52:37 · 13 answers · asked by postypaul 3

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is the
message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted
unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This
is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about
because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The
school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's
failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children
were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough
schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,
please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6!
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you can read this - thank a teacher!

2006-07-29 08:44:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 08:39:35 · 5 answers · asked by fields2333@sbcglobal.net 2

you see..this is the joke my co-worker asks me everyday cause he thinks he is amusing ,only he gets on my last nerve...which by that i mean i wanna do the tango...

2006-07-29 08:34:17 · 5 answers · asked by crystal d 2

for anyone who doesnt know dane cook, he's definitly one of the best standup comics around.

one time he asked "what body language did people try before using the finger?" he went on with hilarious impressions and then acted like he jumped out of a car, turned around and lifted up his shirt and smaked his back and yelled "suck my back! suckit!" omfg it was so funny...the stuff he comes up with...

2006-07-29 08:25:14 · 6 answers · asked by Ryan 2

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie
said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the
fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes
so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and
thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to
Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build
me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie
laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that!
How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of
how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives
always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish
that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what
they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why
they're crying, know what they really want when they
say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

2006-07-29 08:24:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I personally say when he said "I do believe that human and fish can co exist peacefully."

2006-07-29 08:23:07 · 6 answers · asked by centreofclassicrock 4

Romantic 1st lines...and deadly 2nd ones


A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

2006-07-29 08:20:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 08:13:59 · 38 answers · asked by crystal d 2

tell me a good joke

2006-07-29 08:03:19 · 16 answers · asked by Matthew 2

2006-07-29 07:29:02 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

They notice a couple of dogs doint the nasty. they were bobbin and weavin in between the curbs which struck the curiosity of the grandson. He said,"Hey grampa what them two dogs are doin?". Of course grampa not wanting to get into a long discussion about the birds and the bees he had to come up with somethin quick. He says to the boy<"Well son, you see the dog on top? He hurt his paws and the dog on the bottom is just tryin to help get his friend to where he is goin". A little while later the grampa relieved that he had avoided what could have been disasterous, hears his grandson reply,"How bout that grampa, try to help out a friend you get f***** every time.

2006-07-29 07:29:00 · 3 answers · asked by e_deckwa 5

Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

2006-07-29 07:14:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

funniest/ closest answere will get 10 points

2006-07-29 07:07:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

the best way to get her back, like putting dog **** in her pillows or something like that, cuz thats not mean, thats like the tip of the ice berg when it comes to what this womans done///// need a good prank

2006-07-29 07:01:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

closet/funniest answer gets 10 points.

2006-07-29 06:56:17 · 18 answers · asked by sugar n' spice 5

there's only one correct answer. closet or funniest answer that cracks me up will get 10 points.

2006-07-29 06:55:19 · 15 answers · asked by sugar n' spice 5

The beatles have to be at a concert across the river in 17 minutes. The problem is that the bridge across the river is very weak and is only strong enough to hold only two people at a time (only two people can cross at a time). They have only one flashlight and anybody crossing the river must have the flashlight at all times.John can cross the bidge in 1 minute, Paul needs 2 minutes, Gearge needs 5 minutes and Ringo needs 10. can they make it to the concert in time? if so how?

2006-07-29 06:50:49 · 4 answers · asked by David R 1

2006-07-29 06:46:02 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 06:28:13 · 13 answers · asked by foaswura 1

2006-07-29 06:27:25 · 8 answers · asked by rubydogsgreen 4

Since my last one was deleted before I could read the answers. :(

http://www.slickschoppers.com/Readers_Stories/Crazed_Squirrel.htm

2006-07-29 06:19:54 · 6 answers · asked by RuneWitchSakura1988 4

if you can guess the right anwser i'll give you 10 points.

2006-07-29 06:12:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i want to laugh ple hlp me pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2006-07-29 06:11:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 06:10:02 · 5 answers · asked by Mike R 5

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies,

"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"


"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
Cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
Agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to


Upload, we discovered that neither

One of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete
Button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message
Saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized
Program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
In her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared
And said:


You've Got New Male'!"

2006-07-29 06:05:53 · 15 answers · asked by easyboy 4

there was a priest that go to remove the sins. All the people in that village were going to him to forive their sin which is adultery. he was fed up of hearing on adultery. so he told all the peopl in that village to tell him that they fell in a hole behing the church instead of doing adultery. Now the preist was about to change, so the priest told the coucil to tell the new priest what we fell in the hole behind the church means. But he forgot. so ppl started going to tell the new priest that they fell in the hole behind the church.

The preist asked the first one, did you get hurt, when you fall, he tol dhim obviously no, I had fun. then the 2nd the 3rd. and the rpiest decided to go to talk to the council to do a better road!

But when he told the council, they could not stop laughing. The priest asked him why are you laughing? Do you know that your wife already fall 10 times in it???

2006-07-29 03:32:58 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

When does a mexican know when it's time to eat again?.....

His a$$hole stops burning.

2006-07-29 03:26:39 · 8 answers · asked by guitardan 5

(tell me what u think of it ...)

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You ba$tard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

2006-07-29 03:25:53 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous