Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-29 15:31:21 · 15 answers · asked by taylor r 1

answer will be revealed later...after thanks!

2006-07-29 15:16:49 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 14:53:07 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 14:48:19 · 28 answers · asked by Rick 7

I asked Nicole for a French joke-
Madame says "When I awake on Monday morning, I look at my husband's weather vane. If it is laying on the right side, I do the washing in the morning. If it is laying to the left side, I do the washing in the afternoon.
But- If it is standing straight up, to hell with the washing.

2006-07-29 14:47:20 · 7 answers · asked by poppy vox 4

peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers

how many peppers did he pick?

first rite answer get the 10 points!! :-)

2006-07-29 14:47:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

2006-07-29 14:41:34 · 7 answers · asked by Rick 7

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

2006-07-29 14:33:10 · 13 answers · asked by cherrylimanade 2

2006-07-29 14:29:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Will the mime next door go crazy?

2006-07-29 14:20:05 · 11 answers · asked by Rick 7

Willys cynical thought for the day;

"Simultaneous orgasms," says a sex therapist, "are mostly the result of a freaking stroke of luck!"

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-29 14:13:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

does he become disoriented?

2006-07-29 14:11:24 · 13 answers · asked by Rick 7

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

2006-07-29 14:09:09 · 12 answers · asked by cherrylimanade 2

juss kiddin

2006-07-29 14:04:14 · 9 answers · asked by hector 4

This girl told me this joke and she found it hilarious, but I don't get it! Here it goes: "there are two penguins hanging out on an iceburg, one penguin says to the other penguin "I see you're wearing a tuxedo" and the other penguin replies "what makes you think I wouldn't?" " Do you get it?

2006-07-29 14:02:41 · 10 answers · asked by amongthestars714 1

There were 5 nuns on a Sunday afternoon in Paris ridin a 5 seated bike...They just all wanted to go out and check out the scenery so as the head nun passes by big landmarks she says..."OOoooohhhh wowwwwwww..." They just keep ridin along and as they hit bumps in the road they all said..."OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh...Wowwwwwww.." So after the 5th bump the head nun said..."If you all don't keep quiet I'm goin to put the seats back on..."

2006-07-29 13:50:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

if u have watched bulletproof monk then pls dont answer

2006-07-29 13:48:10 · 19 answers · asked by ghosthunter_blade 2

i am bored.

2006-07-29 13:44:32 · 16 answers · asked by babagul@sbcglobal.net 1

George W. Bush, Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell, and a little boy with a backback (for his homework) are one an airplane. Suddenly, there was a power failure, and they had to evacuate the plane. The little boy became scared and threw his backpack near the emergency exit.
I'm sorry, everyone," the pilot said loudly. "There are only four parachutes!"
Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell jumped out first with their parachutes on. Bush jumped off shorty shouting, "YEE-HAW!"
"You take the last 'chute, sonny." Said the pilot to the boy.
"No, that's ok," said the boy. "Bush jumped off with my backpack!"

If you wanna, tell your own joke, too!

2006-07-29 13:29:00 · 22 answers · asked by keybaordz 2

the guy picks up his date, still living with her mom. it's their first date, so he takes her to the county fair. they get there, walk around for awhile, and he asks what she would like to do. "i wanna get weighed", she says. so he takes her to the guess your weight booth. the guy guesses her weight, wrong, and they win a stuffed animal. after walking around a bit more, he asks if there's anything else she'd like to do. "i wanna get weighed", she says again. he's thinking maybe she might like to win another prize, and takes her back. bingo, another stuffed animal. they go on some rides, have a bite to eat, and he asks her again if there's anything she'd like to do. "i wanna get weighed" she says emphatically. geez, he thinks, what's with this chick? so he takes her back, and they win again. now weighed down with the prizes, he's had it and takes her home. her mother meets her at the door and asks "well, did you have a good time?"..... she says " i had a wousy time!"

2006-07-29 13:23:36 · 15 answers · asked by bakbiter 3

Across from the bar he was drunk at was a Catholic church...As he walks out the church he sees a nun walking down the street...He grabbed her...Kicked her in the stomach...Threw her into the brick wall...Punched her in the face...Clipped her to the ground...Punched her in the mouth...Picked her up and threw her into a dumpster and asked..."Not so tuff now are ya Batman..."

2006-07-29 13:22:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

oh my god there it goes again!

2006-07-29 13:19:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 13:11:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest was traveling along a busy highway when he had a flat tire.
He was fully dressed to oversee a banquet and when he got out to fix the flat a good samaraitan pulled up and offered to change it for him as he was so nicely attired.
After the man had finished changing the tire he looked over at the priest and winked and said" There you go padre, as tight as nun's P****!"
The priest stood there for a minute and said, "Let me see that tire tool fella, if these are as tight as the nun's I know, they need a couple extra turns!"

2006-07-29 13:10:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, saying, "Can I help you sir?""
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my car," the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener is
hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat,blurt out.....
"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!

2006-07-29 13:09:38 · 6 answers · asked by WILLIEGOGO 3

I want to use whipped cream is there any thing better?

2006-07-29 13:05:11 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ Kairi♥ 2

Four nuns tragically died in a semi crash. As they entered the gates to heaven, an angel approached them, holding a large bowl of Holy Water.
"Welcome," said the angel. "I understand you are strong female followers of the Lord, so if any of you have ever touched a male's private area, you must cleanse the part of the body you touched it with with this holy water."
The first nun came up and said, "Well, I touched one once with my finger, but I immediately realized it was wrong."
She dipped the tip of her finger in the water.
"I grabbed one, but it was sinful of me to do," said the second nun as she put her full hand in the water.
The third nun came up stuttering: "Well, I...well, actually, I..."
Then the fourth nun interrupted. "IF YOU EXPECT ME TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER THIS NUN DIPPED HER @SS IN IT, THEN YOU HAVE SOMETHING COMING TO YOU!!!

2006-07-29 13:00:59 · 31 answers · asked by keybaordz 2

Dough nuts

2006-07-29 12:58:10 · 11 answers · asked by JodiBaby 3

2006-07-29 12:53:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 12:42:52 · 6 answers · asked by wacky_racer 5