Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-29 12:33:38 · 17 answers · asked by kell 1

You can only guess once.If you guess more than one time I will not count you answer.

2006-07-29 12:30:22 · 32 answers · asked by JennyfferBCN 5

well right now all i wanna do is well ya know I wanna uh i wanna uh i wanna uh i realy realy realy wanna zigga zigga ahhh

2006-07-29 12:29:29 · 12 answers · asked by Mr. Boodle McNoodle 3

Everybody has to cross the river.
1. Only 2 people on the raft at a time.
2. The father can not stay with any of the daughters without their mother's presence (or he will beat them).
3. The mother can not stay with any of the sons without their father's presence (or she will beat them).
4. The thief (striped shirt) can not stay with any family member if the Policeman is not there.
5. Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft.
6. To start click on the big blue circle on the right.
7. To move the people click on them. To move the raft click on the handle.

http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf

2006-07-29 12:29:02 · 5 answers · asked by You really_believe_that_shit? 2

my favorite word for now is diarehha

2006-07-29 12:20:53 · 26 answers · asked by Mr. Boodle McNoodle 3

A construction worker is on the third floor of a building and realizes he needs a handsaw. He sees another worker on the first floor and yells to him, but the man indicates he can't hear him. So the guy on the third floor tries using signs. He points to his eye to say "I", then he points to his knee to say "need", and then he moves his hands back and forth to say "handsaw". The guy on the first floor nods and then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor gets really angry and runs down to the first floor screaming, "What's wrong with you! Are you a dumbass! I was trying to say I needed a handsaw!"
The other guy looks at him and says, "I knew that. I was telling you that I was coming."

2006-07-29 12:05:06 · 12 answers · asked by Kyle K 3

I just realized how this could never happen...

If you're "ROTFLMAO" how could you be typing it in?

Stupid, I know, but I wanna see exactly what people would answer to this to get ten points.

2006-07-29 11:49:14 · 18 answers · asked by RuneWitchSakura1988 4

2006-07-29 11:23:50 · 12 answers · asked by flames33761 1

anything funny

2006-07-29 11:12:07 · 7 answers · asked by flames33761 1

what do you call a midwife who refuses to deliver a macam baby? a crime prevention officer

2006-07-29 11:06:44 · 8 answers · asked by SPONGEBOB 1

2 tigers walking through the jungle and the tiger at the back stops and licks the one in fronts ****.hey man what ye deing says the tiger in front.sorry says the other tiger i've just ate a macam and i can't get the taste out of my mouth

2006-07-29 11:03:18 · 9 answers · asked by SPONGEBOB 1

2006-07-29 11:02:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 11:01:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 11:01:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 11:00:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Real Business Signs
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the
2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin
drop."

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks
can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is
optional."

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Attempted Murder
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to
a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially
passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for
over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

2006-07-29 10:51:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I can't believe it, says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

2006-07-29 10:50:09 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

2006-07-29 10:44:16 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"


made me chuckle a little ♥

2006-07-29 10:41:35 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

2006-07-29 10:40:07 · 20 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

the one with the longest list gets 10 points!

2006-07-29 10:37:18 · 24 answers · asked by Mona Lisa!!! 1

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."

♥

2006-07-29 10:32:29 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

did you hear about the man who injected himself with curry powder? he's been in a korma for six weeks.

2006-07-29 10:29:46 · 14 answers · asked by SPONGEBOB 1

did you hear about the irishman who died getting a drink of milk? the cow fell on his head

2006-07-29 10:26:12 · 19 answers · asked by SPONGEBOB 1

The blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The blondes were estatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos--after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying : " I Belong in B.E.D."

2006-07-29 10:21:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is it that in the mourning walks with 4 legs, in the afternoon walks with 2 legs and in the evening walks with 3 legs?

2006-07-29 10:18:02 · 5 answers · asked by I'M GONNA GO PLACES 5

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night
of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't
mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no
reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of
August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

----------------------------------------------------------

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as
cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's
body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at
Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool
leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position
chanting "MOO" backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started
feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something
sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul
Milkbar".
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the
nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

2006-07-29 09:56:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ck Out this sight figure out your new name. write it down in here and i will give 10 points to the funniest. Mine is "Crusty StinkerHead"

http://www.wilk4.com/humor/humorm210.htm

2006-07-29 09:56:25 · 15 answers · asked by ? 6

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters.

So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the
rooster from told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight.
But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway.

So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it
started screwing all the other farm animals.

So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said,"Ya better stop
screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the
rooster just kept on screwing.

One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the
rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around.

So he walked up to the rooster and said,"I told you you'd screw
yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, - "SHUT-
UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"

2006-07-29 09:50:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 09:17:01 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous