Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she
learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious tubby@whitehouse.gov

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

2006-07-29 20:45:03 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why
don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

2006-07-29 20:40:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.

The man looks around and sees no fire or people being tortured, nothing uncomfortable, and asks, "where is all the horrible things that Hell has to offer me? I might as well get started now".

The Devil says, " Things have changed down here".

He asks the man, "Do you like to drink alcohol?"

"Oh, Yes!" replied the man, with a big smile.

"Well you are in luck", Says the Devil, "because on Mondays there is drinking all day, anything that you want"

"Wow, that's sounds great", the man says.

"How about sex? Do you like sex?" the Devil asks.

The man replys, "Love sex, just never could get enough".

The Devil replys, "Well we will take care of that little problem, we have sex all day on Tuesday".

The smile continues to grow wider on the mans face.

He is then asked if he had any homosexual tendancies.

"Absolutely not!", he says emphatically, "I can't stand gays!"

The Devil smiles at him and says, "You are really going to hate Wednesdays then."

2006-07-29 20:37:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line
shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes
apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella , located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA , some folks
new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very
sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby
marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place... was the trailer!

2006-07-29 20:33:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.
Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
This is when you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month... but not enough to live on.

2006-07-29 20:31:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In
fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

2006-07-29 20:29:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone know some good funny ones?

2006-07-29 20:16:29 · 11 answers · asked by moon_essence1 2

They both capture the moment!!

2006-07-29 20:15:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 19:58:54 · 39 answers · asked by shortgirl 3

You send one email out to an anonymous person that will reply to you only once with either Yes or No. You have to determine if the person is 1) male or female 2) Adult (21+) or not and 3) married or not

Compose your question that will allow you to cull all the information from just that one response of Yes or No.

2006-07-29 19:58:17 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where will the Cannes Film Festival be held this year? I want to get there early and get a good spot on the beach

2006-07-29 19:48:37 · 11 answers · asked by Buck 5

Answer all correct for ten points(time and again im repeating this.)

1.
How many hamburgers can you eat on an empty stomach?
2.
I have a tail, but cannot move freely. Sometimes I have an eye in the middle of my head. What am I?
3.
What do you take off last before getting into bed?
4.
What do you serve, but never eat?
5.
How many sides does a box have?

2006-07-29 19:46:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

2006-07-29 19:45:39 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

please no violent words ok.... just give me funny jokes or quotes....

2006-07-29 19:41:16 · 12 answers · asked by converse 2

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

2006-07-29 19:39:29 · 12 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

Again - have to get all correct for ten points

1.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
2.
Which burns longer - the candles on a girl's birthday cake, or the candles on a boy's birthday cake?
3.
When are your eyes not eyes?
4.
I work only when I'm fired. What am I?
5.
I have eyes, but cannot see. What am I?

2006-07-29 19:35:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 19:35:32 · 6 answers · asked by minion 3

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Tell me about the thief who stole a calendar?
A: He got 12 months!

Lol. Hehe.. and for today's riddle:

Why is a calculator so reliable?

Have fun! :)

2006-07-29 19:31:23 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.
"$398.10," she said.

"Who paid ten cents?" he asked.

"Everybody."

2006-07-29 19:30:06 · 6 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”

2006-07-29 18:54:43 · 12 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

there once was a man on a london brigde who droped his hat and drew his cane in this riddle i said his name. What is his name?

2006-07-29 18:50:43 · 45 answers · asked by ashley 2

fog u cog kog yog o u

2006-07-29 18:48:34 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 18:47:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 18:43:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 18:43:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 18:37:51 · 5 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

the letters stand for a word you have to figure out what the word is.

2006-07-29 18:33:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

How can you determine which switch is connected to which bulb if you are only allowed to enter the room once?

2006-07-29 18:18:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

one word answer riddle

2006-07-29 18:11:28 · 15 answers · asked by SAD 1

what comes once in a year twice in a week but not in a day?

2006-07-29 18:10:48 · 12 answers · asked by princesskd 2