Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-30 06:27:39 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-30 06:25:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-30 06:24:37 · 5 answers · asked by shoanna here xxxxxxxxxx 2

2006-07-30 06:22:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-30 06:18:46 · 12 answers · asked by 5375 4

two guys driving in the backwoods of Kentucky, when they drive by a hillbilly doing it with a sheep. One guy says: did I just see what I thought I saw? The other guy says: yes, that is the most discusting thing I've ever seen! We cant let that go on. So they turned around and drove up to the hillbilly and sheep, still doing it. One guy says: What are you DOING?! The hillbilly answeres "what do y'all think imsa doin here...whatsit looka like?"
Then the other guy says: Thats not what sheep are for! Sheep are for sheering! The hillbilly answered back: Well I aint-a-sheeering this one!

2006-07-30 06:16:17 · 3 answers · asked by Jeffrey M K 2

There are 3 people sitting at a bar a man & a husband & wife, the man turns to the husban & says I'll give you &1,000 if you let me touch your wifes breasts he turns to his wife & the wife says no tell him to get lost. then the man tells the husband I'll give you $3,000 if you let me touch your wifes breasts. he turns to his wife & convinces her we can use the money to go away on a trip, so she says yes, She stands in front of the man & unbuttons her blouse he touches the top of her breasts & says I don't know I don't know then he touches the nipples & says I don't know I don't know & the husband comes over & asks why do you keep saying I don't know? The man answers & says I Don't Know Where I'mm Gonns Get The Three Thousand Dollars.

2006-07-30 06:11:00 · 5 answers · asked by peterhlounsbury 3

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing
a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

2006-07-30 05:50:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell, and you say a-s-s."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your a-s-s it won't be Cheerios!"

2006-07-30 05:44:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

2006-07-30 05:42:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

2006-07-30 05:35:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

waiting on his wife to finish her shopping when he noticed a lady come out of the grocery store, put her groceries in the car and go over to another store where there was a sale going on. Pretty soon, she came back and got in her car, but she just sat in it, not moving.
The man thought maybe she had a heat stroke or something bad, so he went over to check on her and she had her head laying back on the seat. She said,"Call 911, I've been shot in the back of the head! I'm holding my brains in by pushing against the back of the seat!!"
The man looked down behind her seat and in a grocery bag was a can of biscuits that had exploded! Several had hit her in the back of the head, making her think it was her brains!"

2006-07-30 05:31:29 · 8 answers · asked by NANCY K 6

there are 2 people in front seat of car both shot dead. The car windows are rolled up, doors are locked, keys are in car and there is no sign of fowl play. How did they get shot?

2006-07-30 05:24:54 · 13 answers · asked by cndnchop75 2

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is
sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the
same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and
your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the
same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out
of this highly dangerous situation?
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
.........
........
......
....
...
..
.
Take yer drunk a~s~s off of the Merry-go-round!

Silly or plain out stupid...you vote?
Best comment gets a free ride!

Sharin' my smiles...
SmileyCat : )

2006-07-30 05:14:48 · 6 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

um anything horrible will be reported, the usual...

2006-07-30 05:07:40 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Uh.....Make a sentence using these words.....

Cottage cheese
Wheel Chair
Hair saloon
Cinderblock
Fat
Woman

2006-07-30 04:58:30 · 19 answers · asked by Sas-n-Frass 2

2006-07-30 04:58:21 · 18 answers · asked by Maggi 2

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Some people may think I'm arrogant, but I freaking know better!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it."  

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50.00". The next day someone stole it. Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-30 04:46:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Complement people on their shoes

Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall.

Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"

Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).

Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.



Start a sing-a-long.

Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is
anyone in there. If the answer is yes, ask if they are busy....

Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"

Say "Oops.... missed" while squirting water around the bowl
and under the walls into other stalls.

Switch off the lights.



Collect a door charge.

Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?".

Write essay questions on the toilet paper.

Put Glad Wrap over the toilet bowl.

Offer refreshments.



Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"

Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.

Make a jello in the bowl.

Hang up signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.

One word: GOLDFISH

2006-07-30 04:34:04 · 11 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

"Where you flyin' to, *****?"
-----------------------------------------

Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper came over to them and started to shake her ***. The first guy goes, ''Watch this,'' so he licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it on her ***. The second guy goes, ''Oh yeah? Watch this,'' so he takes a 100 dollar bill and licks it and sticks it on her ***. The third guy goes "That's nothing! He takes out his credit card, slides it down her *** crack and takes the money.'

2006-07-30 04:26:43 · 3 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

Us country boys with sunburned necks, who fancied ourselves as crack shots and experienced woodsmen, were always on the lookout for a city kid to take on a snipe hunt.
We couldn’t wait to hand some greenhorn a gunnysack and fill him full of stories of birds that came when you whistled and walked right into the sack.
We’d laugh ourselves silly as we plotted setting him down on a snipe trail, sneaking off and letting him sit there until the cows came home and the hoot owls started to talk.

2006-07-30 04:14:52 · 14 answers · asked by ? 6

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "a ss-cons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular a ss

(__!__) a fat a ss

(!) a tight a ss

(_._) a flat a ss

(_^_) a bubble a ss

(_*_) a sore a ss

(_!__) a lop-sided a ss

{_!_} a swishy a ss

(_o_) an a ss that's been around

(_O_) an a ss that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my a ss

(_X_) leave my a ss alone

(_zzz_) a tired a ss

(_o^o_) a wise a ss

(_13_) an unlucky a ss

(_$_) Money coming out of his a ss

(_?_) Dumb A ss

2006-07-30 04:05:13 · 10 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

I'm not looking for you to tell me a joke, I want to know what TYPE of joke you like best (ex: lawyer, political, yo mamma, blonde etc.).

2006-07-30 03:50:12 · 10 answers · asked by keybaordz 2

2006-07-30 03:49:15 · 18 answers · asked by Mairy Hinge 2

I saw an episode of Friends. Joey wanted to change his name, for his acting . He said if he was a porn star he'd be called Holden Mygroin. I thought that was so funny, so tell me some more funny names, please!

2006-07-30 03:46:27 · 11 answers · asked by Laurie 3

overheard at a political meeting :
"do you have a criminal record ?"....
answer from a prospective candidate ..."No...." ...
" okay,..don't worry..we organise you one..."...

2006-07-30 03:45:14 · 3 answers · asked by Featherman 5

If so, you should do the same for the unluckies that need points to get the next level and post questions easy to answer.

Maybe there should be a category called "Easy questions to get points" for the moment I'll use this one.

2006-07-30 03:42:47 · 34 answers · asked by JAGC 4

2006-07-30 03:37:16 · 10 answers · asked by Ya-sai 7

I need a joke on globalisation. I checked the net and all I can find is one about Princess Diana. Does anyone know any other REALLY funny joke on globalisation? I need to include it in a speech...please help!

2006-07-30 03:01:11 · 11 answers · asked by debergeracvat 2

George W. Bush, Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell, and a little boy with a backback (for his homework) are one an airplane. Suddenly, there was a power failure, and they had to evacuate the plane. The little boy became scared and threw his backpack near the emergency exit.
I'm sorry, everyone," the pilot said loudly. "There are only four parachutes!"
Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell jumped out first with their parachutes on. Bush jumped off shorty shouting, "YEE-HAW!"
"You take the last 'chute, sonny." Said the pilot to the boy.
"No, that's ok," said the boy. "Bush jumped off with my backpack!"

------------------

If you wanna, tell your own joke, too!

2006-07-30 02:55:41 · 21 answers · asked by keybaordz 2