Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-30 02:53:36 · 2 answers · asked by mark k 1

2006-07-30 02:50:55 · 12 answers · asked by mark k 1

Einsteins weiner

2006-07-30 02:36:13 · 8 answers · asked by scott k 2

If you ARE a Bush fan, DON"T go here.

If you are NOT a Bush fan, then it IS alright to go ahead and click.

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

2006-07-30 02:34:32 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop.

The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla." He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

2006-07-30 02:28:58 · 6 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-07-30 02:28:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

my brother has just been struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients.Shame cos he was a bloody good vet.boom boom

2006-07-30 02:18:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are not good in bed! Then, doctor goes to work, later calls his wife. Eight rings before she answers. " What took you so long ?" She said: In bed, i'm getting a second opinion !

2006-07-30 01:38:01 · 8 answers · asked by alexcruz56 2

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

Vladimir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."

Vladimir : "OK. It's a deal."

Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around."

Vladimir : "That's it? I can do that."

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . .and men began to notice of him. "It's working, he thought." But soon
he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"

Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!"

2006-07-30 01:22:55 · 6 answers · asked by GS 3

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

2006-07-30 01:17:34 · 8 answers · asked by GS 3

i've asked?

2006-07-30 01:16:25 · 17 answers · asked by peekjuan 2

2006-07-30 01:14:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Critiquing poets makes you a poet in the same way going to a Mexican Restaurant makes you a freaking taco!

This prolly been posted a few times... I'm waiting for the kawffee!
An elderly couple were at home at the wife called out "So, when you going to the doctor"

"I told you, I'll go when I feel like going."

After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the doctor's office. "Doc," he said, "This is embarrassing, but I'd like to get a prescription for Viagra."

"Not a problem," said the doctor, as he started. (Drs. accomodate men; always have)

"You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost 90 years old and I haven't had sex in more than ten years. I only want it to stick out a little so when I pee, it doesn't get on my shoes." Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha (OMFG that's baaaaaaaad!)

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-30 00:38:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

So here is the riddle.. i dunno if anyone asks it before, but plz dun use internet to find, u r clever just the way u r ;P

# There are three houses: one is red, one is blue and one is white. If the red house is to the left of the house in the middle and the blue house is to the right of the house in the middle....
where is the white house?

anyone that come with good answer, as IMO ofcourse.. will get 10points ^^

2006-07-30 00:35:46 · 21 answers · asked by fly_like_kobe 2

Who stole a rat's bodice last September?

2006-07-30 00:28:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is it that the rich don't need, & the poor have plenty of?

2006-07-30 00:20:35 · 12 answers · asked by peterhlounsbury 3

Wife dreamin in the middle of the night suddenly shouts
"Quick, my husband is back!"
Man gets up, jumps outta the window and realizes
"Darn, I'm the husband!"

2006-07-30 00:20:08 · 24 answers · asked by *art blest* 2

T U R E N H

2006-07-30 00:01:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 23:44:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because it's towettowoo!

2006-07-29 23:26:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have heard of many...

2006-07-29 23:11:46 · 4 answers · asked by al 2

2006-07-29 23:02:44 · 4 answers · asked by GreyGHost29 3

What exactly is it, does it taste any good & does anyone have the recipe?

2006-07-29 23:00:29 · 11 answers · asked by Whodaman 4

2006-07-29 21:42:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-29 21:36:09 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Memo to All Employees:
Due to the recent economic downturn, we have been forced to implement a new method of employee deductions to paychecks effective as of January 1, 2005.


*SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE* We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

*SURGERY* Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

*BEREAVEMENT LEAVE* This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

*YOUR OWN DEATH* This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

*REST ROOM USE* Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who's names beginning with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 And so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open AND YOUR PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN.

*PAYCHECK GUIDE* The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks. This will apply in all cases per/$1000 earned:


Gross Pay $1,000.00

Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
FICA $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern Time $9.00
Central Time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific Time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01

Net Take Home Pay $0.02

*FINAL THOUGHTS* Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. All comments and concerns should be sent to the company arbitrator. Costs for this service is $.02 per $1000 salary earned. Please pre-pay this fee with all correspondence.

2006-07-29 21:29:51 · 10 answers · asked by Woody 3

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love
for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs
of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and
raise their self-esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and then you tell me . . .

I CAN'T PRAY????"

2006-07-29 21:16:24 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

2006-07-29 21:11:10 · 3 answers · asked by Woody 3

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had seen on a TV news program that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

2006-07-29 20:51:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."

The officer continued, "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car"

2006-07-29 20:48:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous