10 pts to who ever makes me laugh the most?

Question

um anything horrible will be reported, the usual...

Answer 1

April Fool's Day at Its Best ...

Hold Up Your Credit Cards!
Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies.
A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.
The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.
People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.
People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

Cleaning the Phone Lines!
One radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house.
Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings.
Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.

Draining a Beer Truck
KFMB-AM, a San Diego radio station, announced that a beer truck had jack-knifed and could not be towed away until the beer had been removed from its tank.
Over 100 people showed up at the site where the accident was supposed to have occurred to help drain it.

Who are the biggest "Fools" of them all?
Can you imagine working at this outfit.
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.
Yes, you guessed it! It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Answer 2

A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."
A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.
The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"
The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Answer 3

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty, he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "My darling".
But ... at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But ... at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

for petes sake, just write her a note! ;-)

Answer 4

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

Answer 5

Customer: "Waiter, why do you have your thumb on my steak?"
Waiter: " I didn't want it to fall on the floor again, sir."

Willie found some dynamite
Didn't understand it, quite.
Curiosity never pays--
It rained Willie seven days!

Did you hear the one about the bed?
I can't tell it to you-- it hasn't been made up yet!

A man is driving out in the American Southwest when he comes upon an Indian lying by the side of the road with his ear pressed to the ground. Curious, he pulls up alongside the red man. The Indian looked up at him and said, "Red Corvette convertible with California license plates... driver has a crew cut and wears sunglasses... passed this way about a half hour ago...."
"Wow!" marveled the man, impressed. "You can tell all that just by putting your ear to the ground...?"
"No, you idiot," replied the Indian. "That's the car that hit me!"

There was a young lady from Exeter,
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
(One went so far
as to wave, from his car,
the distinguishing mark of his sex at her!)

It's easy to write haiku
All you have to do
is stop on seventeen syl--

Sailor with a pelican on his head walks into a psychatrist's office. Doctor says "Please sit down. Now, how did all this begin...?"
Pelican says, "Well, Doc, it started out as a wart on my butt!"

Good books:

Improve Your Vision and Posture
by Seymour Clearly and Eileen Slightly

Race to the Outhouse
by Willie Makeitt, illustrated by Betty Doesnt

Wino's Relief
by Ralph Oliver deFlores



Now, laugh or I'll tell them again!

Answer 6

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

Well the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easy. Around 3 A.M, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cukoo clock started up and cukooed 3 times.

Quickly realising my husband would probably wake up, I cukooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. ( Even when totally smashed, 3 cukoos plus 9 cukoos totals 12 cukoos=MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "midnight". He didnt seem pissed off at all. "Whew! Got away with that one!"

Then he said "we need a new cukoo clock"

When I asked him why he said "well... last night our clock cukooed 3 times, then said "oh ****", cukooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cukooed another 3 times, giggled, cukooed twice more, and then fell over the coffee table and farted!"

Answer 7

Daisy Daisy give me you're t1ts to chew I'm half crazy you're ball's are turning blue i cant afford a marriage i cant afford a carriage but you look sweet upon a seat with me on top of you....

A few jokes......

How do you confuse a blonde ????

send her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. he-he

Another one.......

What's the difference between an Essex and a bowling ball ???

a bowling ball only takes three fingers.. hehehehehehe

Answer 8

yo momma is so fat when she was walking down the street wit a pig in heer hand a guy walked up to her and said wherd you get that damn pig and the pig said i won it at a raffle

santa a smart blonde and a pregnant lady are in an elevator and there is a doller on the floor who picks it up first
the pregnant lady cause the other two don't exist

oh there once was a man his name was fred he had a banjo with one thread and he was a crossdresser that liked dolphins especially the males.

you so ugly that when you go in a huanted house you come out wit an appliction

all the american girls are ugly a§holes in america compared to italian girls

mary's little lamb loved it's little condums alot and it's girlfriends size 34D

it's a cheese that holds music movies and video games.................... hells yeah

if a blonde and a brunnette fall off a cliff at the same time wich one hits the ground first
the brunnette because the blonde has to ask for directions

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** and a lamb

ding dong in a ditch

sh!t this f@cking coc sucking motherf@cker
(in song)

Answer 9

Once upon a time there was a handsome man. He met a very beautiful girl and asked her to marry him. She refused and the man got to hunt, drink, and stay out as long as he wanted and lived happily ever after.
Thee end

Answer 10

a guy was sat alone in a bar when he heard a voice say "oh your'e a pretty boy" he looked around but there was no one there. Then he heared "your'e a fine figure of a man" Again he looked around and there was no one there. He called over the bar man and told him what he had heared. The bar man told him, "oh that's the peanuts, they're complimentary" BOOM BOOM