can you give me some inspiring quotes or funny jokes but no violent words..?

Question

please no violent words ok.... just give me funny jokes or quotes....

Answer 1

Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there? A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there? A: He bet on the duck. Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there? A: The duck wins.

lol this one always gets me

Answer 2

ABRACADABRA

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their
35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband"
said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra - two
tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs
once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a
wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed; but a wish is a wish..
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra!...the
husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story...Men can be ungrateful idiots... And fairies are female!

Answer 3

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Answer 4

1.
1.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think...

I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep,

he hears a strange sound. The next morning,

he asks the monks what the sound was,

but they say, We can't tell you.

You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway

and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down

in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him,

even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange noise

that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is,

but the monks reply, We can't tell you.

You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right.

I'm dying to know. If the only way

I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk,

how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth

and tell us how many blades of grass there are

and the exact number of sand pebbles.

When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task.

Some forty-five years later,

he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth

and have found what you have asked for.

There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass

and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations.

You are now a monk. We shall now show you

the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door,

where the head monk says,

The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob,

but the door is locked. He says, Real funny.

May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it,

only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks,

who provide it. Behind that door is another

door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through

doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say,

This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door,

turns the knob,

and behind that door

he is amazed to find

the source of that strange sound is...

But I can't tell you what it is because

you're not a monk.
2.
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies,
"Oh, THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud - $3.00
Two Aspirins - $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time ...Priceless(HSBC quote)

Answer 5

I really like Lullaby69's joke....alot !!!!!

Why did the blonde throw the clock...she wanted to see time fly.

He who hang around too long...get hung up !!

Answer 6

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. Right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****** to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and! Over ag ain. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

Answer 7

a skeleton walks into a bar & orders a beer a bucket & a mop...

Answer 8

why did the signal turn red?
you'd turn red too if you changed in the middle of the steet!

Answer 9

http://happypositivity.com/jokes.html

Answer 10

you can check it out in www.funnyjokes.com