Is there anyone out there who can brighten up the day, by telling us all a joke or two?

Answer 1

A man goes into a well known department store for a job in sales.
The manager asks him "Have you ever done sales before?", "No, but I can give it my best shot" replies the man. The manager agrees to give him a trial and walks off. At 5:30 the manager comes back to the man and asks "How many sales have you done then?" the man replies "1". "1?!?!?!" asks the manager "I expect my sales team to do 30 - 40 a day. How much was it for?"

"£125,000" replies the man. "F*ck me" replies the manager "What did you sell?"

"Well this guy came in to buy some small fishing hooks you see, so I sold him some small fishing hooks, then I sold him some big fishing hooks, then some rods and a couple of reels, a tackle box and some floats." "Then I found out where he likes to go fishing and I said you can't fish that lake without a speed boat so I sold him a spped boat. Then I asked him what car he's got and he said a motorbike. I said you can't tow a speed boat with a f*cking motorbike, so I sold him a suzuki 4x4" The manager then said "Hold on a minute some guy came into buy some small fishing hooks and you ended up selling hime a speed boat and a suzuki 4x4?"

The man replied "Well actually no............ He came in for some tampax and I told him that's your weekend f*cked mate you might as well go fishing!"

Answer 2

story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat

There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!


In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

here was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time)' "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .. then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:



Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some ***** is in serious danger.



Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?".

No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Answer 3

sardar;i havent slept all day in the train
Friend: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Y did'nt u Xchnged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower
Berth..

2 .
Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night,nobody
Will b there.............
Girl goes at night & really nobody was there.

3 .
A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C.After seeing
the Form He had gone to DELHI for Filling up. U knows
y?
FORM said "FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

4 .
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered
huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was? . . . . . He opened a
Saloon in Punjab!.

5 .
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India
afterEvery 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

6 .
Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?

7 .
Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again d same. disgusted Sardar named them
TIRED&RETIRED!

8 .
19 SARDARS WENT 4A FILM.ON ASKING THEM Y THEY CAME IN
A BIG GROUP OF 19?
THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...

9 .
A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face
in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat him
why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

10 .
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

11 .
Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs
tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he
does this.
Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager."

12 .
Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. WHY?
because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should
be light"

13.
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column
"Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote :Yes!

14.
SARDAR & FAMILY GO 2 A PARTY. HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF -
I SARDAR,SHE SARDARNEE,
THE BOY MY KID & THE GIRL MY KIDNEY....

15.
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his
college.U knw Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is
leaking...

16.
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

17.
Santa! Your daughter has died! Depressed, Sardar jumps
from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!At
25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not santa

18.
ON A ROMANTIC DATE SARDARS GIRL FRIEND ASKS
HIM,DARLING ON OUR ENGAGEMENT WILL U GIVE ME A RING?
HE SAID YA SURE WHATS YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

19.
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question
ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

20.
A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was
laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Sardar: I have a Airtel cell phone but still hutch
network is following me.

21.
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 cr after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs
back.!

22.
A teacher told all students in a class to write an
essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.He wrote
"DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

23.
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This
Packet Sardar:- why did u come so far.
Instead u could have posted it....

24.
What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling
mistakes.

25.
Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder
to you'...........
Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you NEXT
YEAR.

26.
WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT EMERGENCY?
** THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.

27.
Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.Sardar
says...Drink quickly......
Wife asks why... sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold
coffee Rs10

28.
A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR

29) Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my
grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screamin
like all d passengers in d car he was driving..

31) Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

32) Sardar was writing something very slowly. Friend
asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read
very fast.

33) Sardar news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a
graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found
500 bodies and are still digging for more..

34)A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes
walking at evening not in the morning.
Sardarjireplied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

35) Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON D OXGN TUBE!"

36)Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with
his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-im seeing how i look while sleeping.

Answer 4

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''


A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.
The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"



Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Answer 5

a guy walks into a bar and orders a triple shot of vodka. as soon as the bartender sets it down the guy drinks the entire thing and orders a second. the bartender gets him his drink and again the guy drinks it right away. surprised and a little concerned the bartender asks the guy what's making him drink so fast.
the guy at the bar looks up and says ' you'd drink fast too if you had what i have.'
trying to sound as sympathetic as he can the bartender asks 'what do you have?'
the guy looks at him and says ' 50 cents'

Answer 6

A rabbi, a priest and a cowboy walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this a joke?"

Answer 7

what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?












nothing, you've already told her twice!

BAAAZING!