Im feeling depessed. Make me laugh!?

Question

Funniest joke gets the 10 point prize.
no racist or sick jokes.
Hint: I like Funny storys.

Answer 1

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."




Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Answer 2

Mother Chicken: Hi there Chicken Jr., how was school today
Chicken Jr: Great, I just got 3 letters about college today
Mother Chicken: Oh thats great open the first one up
Chicken Jr: Wow mom, I got in Burger King Tech Universiry
Mother Chicken: No son, I dont appreciate their grilled classes
Chicken Jr: Alright mom, the second one is, wow, its to St.McDonalds College, common mom, all the chickens go there
Mother Chicken: Ok, but I dont think you should, Fried classes get you know appreciation in the outside world, you are an all-american white meat, I know you can do better
Chicken Jr: Alright mom, this is it, its the last letter
Mother Chicken: I hope this one is it
Chicken Jr: Yesssssss, I got into.........(tear drops) KFC State
Mother Chicken: I knew you could do it, "your finger lickin good"

Answer 3

A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.

The bar tender says, "What would you like, Sir?"
The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer."
He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?"
"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying."
"That will be $12.65" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"What'll it be today?" says the bartender.
"Double whiskey on the rocks" says the man.
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"
"I'll join him in a double whiskey" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying" says the cat.
"That will be $21.95" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"
"Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died, she left me everything in her house, and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy some-thing, I would have the exact change in my pocket".
"That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of money".
What else did you ask for?"

"A bird with long legs and a tight p***y"

Answer 4

Here's a story (in poetry form) of what my life has become since I discovered yahoo answers:

Questions, answers….all day long!!
We have no life so we play along.

We answer the stupid, we answer the smart,
We answer question after question. How did this all start?

How did we become so addicted? We’re did we go wrong?
Now our houses stay dirty…we stopped mowing the lawn!!

We can’t sleep at night, we can’t concentrate at work
We live to answer questions to people who act like jerks

We stare at our computers till we go nearly blind
But as long as we can give answers…we don’t really mind

Answer 5

one day a young man walks into a barber shop, and sees the shop is busy. so he asked the barber how long til i can get a chop? barber replies 45 minutes...couple days pass the young man comes back, and again the barber is busy. so he asked how long til i can get a chop today. barber replies 30 mintues...few more days pass and again he pops his head in and asked how long til i can get a chop...25 minutes......young man leaves agin...so the barber look to his worker says that guy always asks for a chop but never comes back...next time he comes follow him and see where he goes....like the barber claim the young man comes back pops his head in how long til i can get a chop...30 mintues...so he leaves, and the barbers works follows....1 hr passed and the worker returned to the shop dying laughing....barber looked at him said what so funny did u follow him..worker says yes i did follow him..when he leaves here after asking for a chop...the young boy goes to ur house

Answer 6

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."


The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Answer 7

***TRUE STORY I SWEAR***My little sis just got bangs And my mom tried to cut It but she couldn't and messed it up!So my little sister bri took a pair of siccors and siad,"mom,can I cut this one string so my mom says yes!"She cut but thought she messed up so kept cutting and cutting and cutting not rrealizing she was cutting too much off!She had like 10 inches of bangs now she has like 1inch!LOL She got mortified at school and everywhere!and she's only 9!

Answer 8

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.