Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

2007-12-10 03:33:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

2007-12-10 03:29:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.


One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

2007-12-10 03:28:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.
Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.
'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."
"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.
He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.
"How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away

2007-12-10 03:26:52 · 16 answers · asked by ? 6

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

2007-12-10 03:13:04 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-10 02:48:41 · 10 answers · asked by Ivory33 6

I'm both.

2007-12-10 02:04:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

2007-12-10 01:37:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

2007-12-10 01:35:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

2007-12-10 01:33:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


Wife sends husband, a coder, to the grocery and says "Ok, buy two sausages and if they will have eggs, buy ten".

Coder goes to the shop and asks "Do you have eggs".

"Yes".

"Ok, so I want 10 sausages".


A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

2007-12-10 01:31:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-12-10 01:27:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teen aged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

2007-12-10 01:25:37 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Gay man goes to the Doctor, To have an AIDS test. The Doctor comes in and tells him he has AIDS, the man goes, "my god what can I do" the doctor goes "there is one thing you can do". the gay goes "what what is it". The Doctor, says "Eat 15 cans of beans,, a pound of Jalapeno Peppers, 18 bannanas, 10 boxes of crackers, and a gallon of prune juice". the Gay goes "will this cure it". the Doctor Replies "Hell no, but it will show you what your *** is for".

2007-12-10 01:23:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 minutes.

Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.

Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.

2007-12-10 01:23:44 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Peter's Mom has 3 childreen. Tick, Trick and ??

What's the name of the third child?

2007-12-10 01:21:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."



A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"

2007-12-10 01:16:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't f**king think so.

2007-12-10 01:10:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It has no colour, but everybody can see it.
It has no weight, but every object or item which has one of those is less heavy than without one.

What could that be??

2007-12-10 01:08:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...."

2007-12-10 00:56:45 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey,you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door,hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads,"Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

2007-12-10 00:49:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't.

2007-12-10 00:43:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the Successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay night club."
The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

2007-12-10 00:12:37 · 16 answers · asked by GoodGirlGoneBad 3

It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke.
He said, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?"
The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbour. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another 30 minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew."
The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg ... no mattah ... all same."

2007-12-10 00:04:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband get into a fight with his wife while driving his car home, he speed a little and caught up by a police patrol.

The officer: "u were speeding like 80mph"
The husband :"no way, there must be something wrong with tht device?"

The wife "yes officer there must be something wrong bcs he was driving a 100mph"

The officer continued "aahhh, and do u do u know tht ur rear light r broken!"

The husband " gosh nooooo, it must have been broken a few seconds ago, bcs I checked it out this morning and it was fine"

The wife "oh no, honey it was broken 4 months, and I was trying to make u fix it but u didn't listen to me"

The husband looses his grips and start screaming at his wife:
"R U CRAZY?, WHTS WRONG WITH U?"

The officer "is he always tht angry madam?"

The wife "oh, nooo son, only when he is drunk!!!"

2007-12-09 23:45:04 · 12 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.''
He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''
The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''
The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''
His wife nodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''
''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the amount of money we had at the time... I kinda...''
''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''

2007-12-09 23:42:04 · 16 answers · asked by ? 6

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their married life.

The first one gets married....
On the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply; "Maxwell Coffeehouse"

Mother became confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell ad, and it read; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.
A week later there's a message (secret code again ) that read; "Rothmans"

So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." So Mother gives a wide grin.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
4 weeks later came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"

Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read;
(scroll down please.)





























"TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

2007-12-09 22:55:40 · 7 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

A man returned from Africa feeling very ill. He went
to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately
rushed to the hospital, to undergo a range of tests.

The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the
hospital, and the phone by his bed was ringing.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your
tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus,
which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes,
and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we
can get under the door."

2007-12-09 21:15:10 · 12 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

A man walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had.

He replied, "I got the shingles....."

She interrupted him and said, "Fill out this form and supply
your name, address, medical insurance number.
When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came
out and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got the shingles...."

She too interrupted him and took down his height, weight,
and complete medical history, then said,
"Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got the shingles..."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and various other tests. Since she was
quite cute, he didn't object at all.
Then she told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked
him what he had. He said, "I got the shingles...."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination,
and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't
find shingles anywhere. "

The man replied, "They're outside in the $20/quarter hour
delivery truck. Where do you want me to dump them

2007-12-09 21:14:28 · 7 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

A man is hunting in a forest when he's suddenly confronted by a huge
bear. Heart pounding, he raises his rifle, takes aim at the animal, but
is horrified to discover there is no response when he pulls the
trigger. Panicked, he throws his rifle to the ground and begins to run
as fast as he can, with the bear in close pursuit. To his further
terror he's come to the edge of a very steep cliff, with no further
escape. Not knowing what else to do, the man drops to his knees, clasps
his hands and loudly prays..
"..Heavenly Father, please let this bear discover religion..."
There is a loud clap of thunder...the sky lights up and the bear
immediately drops to it's knees...clasps it's paws, looks up and says..
"Heavenly Father...bless this food I am about to receive..."

2007-12-09 21:12:32 · 11 answers · asked by Jake5282 3