Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

2007-12-10 19:07:16 · 6 answers · asked by LAVELLE! :] 4

Would anyone have a really good idea for a practical joke on this friend of mine at work? He is ALWAYS pulling something on me (and some of the other women at work as well) Something funny not hurtful. I'd love to just ONCE get him back good.

2007-12-10 17:11:59 · 4 answers · asked by candygirl 2

2007-12-10 16:57:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

But Woimen can read as well as long as you're not ganna whinge!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

2007-12-10 16:53:26 · 16 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

She saw 911 and thought it was a Porsche.

2007-12-10 16:40:43 · 7 answers · asked by Puppet Dictator 5

what am I describing? (10 points)

2007-12-10 16:10:51 · 14 answers · asked by kiki Dee 5

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in theprinter!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... the power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms and hands!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? !

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

2007-12-10 15:25:07 · 13 answers · asked by Molly 6

A son in college wrote this letter to his father:


Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t
$end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on...


After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back...



Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad...



Now, if you think it was funny, pls star for others to read..... thanks.

2007-12-10 15:19:22 · 17 answers · asked by Hope 6

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-12-10 15:18:03 · 10 answers · asked by Grandma of six 5

This is a true story from the Living Church:

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

2007-12-10 14:04:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

For the wives, the would be wives and the wanna bees...?


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

Star If You Like...thanks.

2007-12-10 13:49:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm trying to find a really funny music joke that has to do with Christmas that I can say in front of an audience. Please keep it appropriate for children but funny! Thanks!!

2007-12-10 13:35:33 · 2 answers · asked by shinwink 1

2007-12-10 13:27:01 · 17 answers · asked by nared0971 1

A guy dies and goes to heaven and sees st.peter waiting for him. behind st.peter is a wall filled with clocks. the dead man asks about the clocks. st. peter says every time someone does a bad deed their clock ticks. st peter said," here is a priests clock, it never ticked. here is your clock it only ticked a few times." out of curiosity the man said," where is George w. bushes clock?" st.peter replies," oh Jeses is in he office using it as a fan.

2007-12-10 13:11:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-10 12:27:26 · 21 answers · asked by Morgie 2

when you go to heaven god gives you something to ride around in depending on how loyal you were to your spouse. so this guy gets to heaven and tells god he has never cheated on his wife. god checks his books and see that he is telling the truth and decides to give him a bmw. another guy arrives in heaven and tells god that he cheated on his wife 3 times. he is telling the truth so god gives him an electric skooter. one day the guy on the skooter stops at a red light and sees the guy in the bmw crying. he asks him "why are you crying you got a really nice bmw?" the guy in the bmw replies"i just saw my wife ride by one a skateboard"

2007-12-10 12:16:59 · 46 answers · asked by abrcrmbeblondie2 2

An Englishman, an American and a Canadian were all sitting in a bar.
They were discussing whose wife was more obedient and the Englishman said proudly, "I told my wife last week that she had to do ALL the housework, no exceptions. I told her I wouldn't help with ANY of it. First day I saw nothing. Second day I saw nothing. But on the THIRD day, I came home and the house was spotless!"
"Oh yeah?" said the American, "Well I told MY wife last week that she has to do all the housework AND all the cooking with no help at all from me. So on the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the THIRD day I came home to find the house sparkling and my favourite meal waiting for me on the dinner table! How about THAT?"
"Hey, that's nothing." muttered the Canadian, "I told MY wife that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping AND anything else I wanted. First day I saw nothing. Second day I saw nothing. BUT by the THIRD day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

2007-12-10 11:29:47 · 9 answers · asked by Kat* 7

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now, need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P... E... N... I... S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the
computer replied:

"; PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH."


Pls star if you like that one. thx

2007-12-10 11:10:40 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok i have a LOT and some that have a couple other people

A blonde wants to suprise her husband by painting the house, she buys some paint and gets to work diligently, her husband comes home and notices she has on a ski jacket and fur coat, she replys to his odd expression and repeats the instructions on the can "Works best with 2 coats

A brunette is walking a a country and finds a magic lamp,she gets 3 wishes , but whatever she gets every blonde in the world gets 2, she wishes for a nice house, a gourgase man, and for the genie to beat her half to death

A blonde is riding a horse, she starts to slip on a horse, she starts to slip off the rear end, and grabs the tail for her life, she almost dies b4 the heriocic target manager explained how the ride was for children.

How do u drownd a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker in a pool
Why dont blondes ahev ice in their drinks? they forgot the recipe

A brunette a blonde and a redhead were going up the stairs to heaven...

2007-12-10 11:06:44 · 13 answers · asked by *Alisha* 2

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

2007-12-10 11:01:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-10 10:59:08 · 7 answers · asked by Lady Scorpio 2

(Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!)

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

2007-12-10 10:56:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

"Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?" the pastor prompted.

"Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!

2007-12-10 10:47:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry...Affair #1 got a violation...the trolls are out.

The 2nd Affair ...A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Pls star if you liked this one. Thx.

2007-12-10 10:40:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any rofl (rolling on floor laughing) jokes on popsicles? Gotta be school appropriate!!!

2007-12-10 10:40:20 · 2 answers · asked by ahmedsyed2 1

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. ,

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

Edna

2007-12-10 10:39:30 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 4th Affair... A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Pls star if you liked it. Thanx.

2007-12-10 10:35:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

just bought the new liverpool fc advent calender, only problem is all the windows are boarded up, and some fu*kers nicked all the chocolates

2007-12-10 10:33:01 · 11 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

2007-12-10 10:25:44 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

2007-12-10 10:23:33 · 10 answers · asked by Gruntled Employee 6