Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

2007-12-08 22:09:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

just read the Q's and scroll down to read the Ans., try use your brain, GOOD LUCK

1. man
------------
board









Ans. = man overboard

2. stand
------------
i








Ans. = I understand

ok?....get the drift?
Let's try a few now & see how u do it !!!!
fair?

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/








Ans. = reading between the lines


4. r
road
a
d








Ans. = cross road

5. cycle
cycle
cycle








Ans. = tricycle

6.

t
o
w
n








Ans. = downtown



7.

le /
/ vel /










Ans. = split level

2007-12-08 20:04:31 · 26 answers · asked by Philomena 5

Hillary was on Fox news tonight. She was leaving a Washington Tanning and Hot waxing shop. She said "no more Bush"

2007-12-08 17:22:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man at United Nations Building during meeting talks about a Road map to peace. Another man says '' Rode Map like in Shakespeares play with the plan ending in everyone saying, like King Richard''. '' A kingdom for' my horse except this time a tank or a helicopter for a nation''.

2007-12-08 17:08:05 · 2 answers · asked by darren m 7

Star if you like at least one of them!

NEW SLOGANS FOR FAST FOOD:

01. Burger King~ Fiber's for weenies!

02. Taco Bell~ Feeding pot heads with the munchies for $1.50 for 30 years.

03. KFC~ We're not a rap group, damnit!

04. Popeye's~ Buy your chicken from real cartoon character not an animated dead guy.

05. Mcdonald's~ Did somebody say McBypass?

06. Mcdonald's~New Cooler Coffee!

07. Domino's~ If your too wasted to drive, we'll bring your food to you!

08. KFC~ Hey, don't give your money to those racist bastards at Denny's!

09. Starbucks~ Now with 0.9% financing on the new Quad Macchito

10. Taco Bell~ Yo tengo flatulance

11. Wedny's~ If Dave doesnt give a rats *** about his cholesterol, why should you?

12. Taco Bell~ Working around the clock to invent new ways to combine the same 5 ingredients.

13. KFC~ It's KFCN' Awesome!



I got these from http://www.joke-archives.com/toplists/fastfoodslogans.html

2007-12-08 15:14:02 · 7 answers · asked by princessandrea82 3

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED


Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ---We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia ---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic ---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

Paranoid ---Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder ---Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder ---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder ---Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is it so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

2007-12-08 14:45:04 · 19 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

now keep in mind you can rearange it to different regilons.. and just so i dont offend.. i will use the 1..2 ..3 method...
a man dies and meets st peter.. he looked up his good and bad deeds.. and saw that this man did good in his life.. the only down fall was he did not attend church.. so he told him he would have to pick one.. he took him to door number 1.. they were praying and singing.. he went in and meet the people.. the same way with door 2 and door 3.. and all the other doors.. when they came upon the last door.. st peter.. told him he could just peek inside.. if he made any noise or they notice him at all that was were he would spend all of eternity.. so he did a quick peek and shut the door.. he then ask st peter .. why .. all the others i was allowed inside..made to fell welcome.. but this one is different.. st peter replied.. they think there the only ones here

2007-12-08 14:34:28 · 4 answers · asked by vis 7

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.'

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.'

2007-12-08 14:30:46 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."

"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

2007-12-08 14:28:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2007-12-08 14:24:54 · 14 answers · asked by Silent Anger 3

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

2007-12-08 14:24:40 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dude,

Lay off the Broccoli!

2007-12-08 13:14:14 · 17 answers · asked by Bolles Harbor Alive-New 360 pg 3

Today I was in Mr. Dillon's class.
And we were taking a test. As soon as I got done with mine.
He wanted to correct it.
So he is up there, grading it in front of some of the class.
And he started laughing a little.
And I was like, "Whats so funny?"
And he said "The distal vertebrae is located where..."
And I said the sacrum or something right
And he said (extra loud i might add) "Well I guess your mind was wandering off somewhere because you wrote scrotum."

Even better was I didn't get why everyone was laughing until like 5 minutes later when I yelled "OHHH SCROTUMMM!"




AHHHH!
Hahahaaha.

2007-12-08 13:12:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. A young woman is found brutally murdered in the middle of some srubbbery on the outskirts of town. Only two men in town are suspected, the husband and the lover. The sheriff arrests both men and holds them in jail for 24 hours. At the end of that time, he releases the lover, who is innocent, and charges the husband with murder. He didn't ask them any questions and didn't do any other investigative work. How did he know the husband was guilty?

2. A wealthy man owns two apartments, one in New York and one in Rio. Each are identical in every respect. At a party in New York City, his friends get him drunk until he passes out. They quickly fly him to Rio and put him to bed in his apartment. When he wakes up, all the shades are drawn and he cannot see out the windows. He goes to the bathroom to wash his face. As soon as he does this, he knows he's in Rio. How?

3. A man walks into a room and shoots 20 people, and walks out. His identity is widely known, but he is never arrested. Why?

2007-12-08 12:34:29 · 24 answers · asked by ... 2

Now that I have your attention, read this joke:

Sarah was in Sunday School one morning when she fell asleep. The teacher asked, "Sarah, who is the Creator of Heaven and Earth?" but she was of course not awake, and therefore couldn't answer. Trying to help, the girl behind Sarah poked her with her pencil. Sarah was startled, and yelled, "Oh God!" The teacher replied, "Yes, Sarah, that is correct," and moved on. When it was Sarah's turn to answer a question again, she was asked, "Who is God's son?" But Sarah had of course fallen asleep again. So, the girl behind her again poked her with her pencil. Sarah was startled, yelled, "Oh Jesus!" Then other students had their turns with questions, and Sarah fell asleep. This time, when it was Sarah's turn to answer, she was asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth to their 25th child?" Sighing, the classmate poked her again, and Sarah screamed, "Poke me with that thing again, and I swear to God I'll snap it off!"

2007-12-08 12:28:25 · 32 answers · asked by [[Princess For The Day]] 2

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No”, she replies. . .





Wait for it. .







It's coming. .






The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:


"You just happened to catch my eye."

2007-12-08 12:05:24 · 19 answers · asked by rdrnnr1972 5

I am looking at somebody's photo. Who is it I am looking at, if I don't have any brothers or sisters and the father of that man on the photo is the son of my father?

2007-12-08 11:52:24 · 15 answers · asked by Ashlee K 2

Ha ha ha...
I Lizzy actually believed this: http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AszqFAJVXtQat4E.IwJo_GvBFQx.;_ylv=3?qid=20071207134621AAo3jzj&show=7#profile-info-cv02oyU0aa

Take a look at her comment. She actually had a pang of remorse for the poor *AIDS* Patient!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjiUbyTZVTcAEjQD1idc52Xty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071208033345AAazoVi&show=7#profile-info-e2180419488b4e4c220cc9264c834880aa

ha ha ha ha ha

2007-12-08 11:49:31 · 6 answers · asked by Freeman 5

Your momma is so old when she passed gas (farted) it was 89cents a gallon.

2007-12-08 11:35:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

start with t.

2007-12-08 11:07:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. What do you think?

Examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

2007-12-08 10:53:09 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little fella called Keith walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog poop just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.


A great big man called Big Pete then enters the bar. He too slips in the same pile of poop, falls over, gets up, cleans up and then goes and buys a drink.

Then little Keith turns to Big Pete and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

So, Big Pete punches Keith in the mouth.

2007-12-08 10:50:12 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

2007-12-08 10:47:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

COMMANDMENT 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so are thunder and lightning.

COMMANDMENT 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

COMMANDMENT 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

COMMANDMENT 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

COMMANDMENT 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.
Either the car is new or the wife is.

COMMANDMENT 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

COMMANDMENT 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

COMMANDMENT 8
Every man wants a wife, who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

COMMANDMENT 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

COMMANDMENT 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

2007-12-08 10:45:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the that’s what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said Joe.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”

2007-12-08 10:19:40 · 18 answers · asked by .... 6

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas
, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
-
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
-
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
-
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

2007-12-08 10:14:31 · 12 answers · asked by .... 6

1. A friend calls and says “How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!”
2. You forget how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream “LOL, LOL.”
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said “You’ve got Mail!”
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IM’s.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ISP in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.
13. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone ask what it was you said.
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

2007-12-08 10:04:36 · 26 answers · asked by .... 6

> > The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems
> >at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
> >realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am
> >for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break
> >the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at
> >5:00 am.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning,
> >the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am! He had missed his flight.
> >Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when
> >he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 am,
> >Wake up.'
> >Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

2007-12-08 10:04:36 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school — you’ll be working for them in the future.

2007-12-08 09:50:27 · 13 answers · asked by .... 6

I've been getting ready for Christmas
I'm revving up for the great day
my credit card's cracked and my freezer is packed
'cause I started my shopping in May

The mistletoe's hanging in bunches
'cause the odd Christmas kiss isn't wrong
and the Vicar I've found - quite likes calling round
and exploring my crowns with his tongue

The bin men have gotten quite friendly
they're after a present I fear
they won't feel so chuffed when I tell them - get stuffed
'cause they don't speak the rest of the year

The family is coming for dinner
last year it was quite a good laugh
we ate fairly late - dished the veg on the plate
found the turkey was still in the bath

the Kids are all pink with excitement
'cause Santa will come so they say
their lists are extensive - extremely expensive
and they'll break it all by Boxing day

But it's worth all that fuss Christmas morning
when their little eyes are all aglow
when we're all feeling merry full of goodwill and sherry
and suffering from wind Ho Ho Ho

But please don't forget why we do it
why each year we must go to this fuss
for that guy up above who brought peace and brought love
and who probably owns Toys R Us..........

2007-12-08 09:43:57 · 16 answers · asked by .... 6