Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

...say, for example, while frotting the pole on a tube train, if I remain fully clothed and don't touch anybody else?

2007-03-07 12:11:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1
Face like a tree
Skin like the sea
A Great beast I be
Yet vermin frighten me

2
I can tolerate the moon and stars
I can't abide the sun
Banish me with torchlight
And you'll see me turn and run

2007-03-07 12:11:12 · 10 answers · asked by terbiyesiz_herif 4

[URL=http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o140/swags92/wp25ev3.jpg][IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o140/swags92/th_wp25ev3.jpg[/IMG][/URL]

2007-03-07 12:01:50 · 6 answers · asked by swags92 1

one day bush was walking in a store an saw a man in line that looked like jesus.
he had said excuse me but are you jesus?
no response.
then he said a little louder again, EXCUSE me but are you jesus?
no response again,
so then he taps him on the sholder and said EXCUSE ME!ARE YOU JESUS!?
the man turned around and he said, yes but i don't talk to bushes.
bush asked why.
jesus replied, because i spent half of my life talking to one!

2007-03-07 12:01:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

100 what is it. (closest gets best answer)

2007-03-07 11:49:06 · 26 answers · asked by me n 1

ok i do not get his joke can someone please explain it to me......

2007-03-07 11:48:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

2007-03-07 11:47:34 · 8 answers · asked by gravytrain036 5

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That
I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
jeans!



Go on now - go, ! Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

2007-03-07 11:38:48 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8610/mooninggrans1jy.swf

2007-03-07 11:34:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................



"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,



>Keep Scrolling

>

>

>

>


>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

2007-03-07 11:31:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

...and then got done for paedophillia?

2007-03-07 11:30:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

...The one who bought it doesn't need it. The one who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?

* Please don't use the internet - takes the fun out of it!
* First one to give the correct answer gets an automatic best answer.

2007-03-07 11:30:27 · 10 answers · asked by Bluefast 3

I have eyes, a nose, and even a face.
My sides are scratched, my tail is flat. Yet I have no body.

What am I?

2007-03-07 11:25:33 · 16 answers · asked by terbiyesiz_herif 4

My wife told me her friend showed her a video of a family going camping and they saw a bear and the husband went up to the bear and the bear swung his arm and his head flew 5 ft but his body stood still twitched and fell to the ground, is this possible? If so please let me know how, does the bear have to swing his arm at 60mph? or can a normal swing knock your head off?

2007-03-07 11:23:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-07 11:21:54 · 14 answers · asked by Veronica G 3

2007-03-07 11:20:54 · 13 answers · asked by Veronica G 3

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."

2007-03-07 11:18:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

... if you don't drop your pants, but simply stand there and wet yourself?

2007-03-07 11:14:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

2007-03-07 11:14:39 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-07 11:11:23 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 Quickies



1. The Staff of Life




A little boy was standing on the sidewalk with his right hand in his pocket and a loaf of bread in his left hand.


The preacher walked by and said, "Hi, Johnny. I see you have the 'staff of life' in your hand. What's in your other hand?"


"This loaf of bread!", replied little Johnny.



2. Starting Out on the Right Foot




Young man: "Mr. Smith, I want to marry your daughter, Betty."


Mr. Smith: "Have you seen Mrs. Smith yet?"


Young man: "Yes, but I'm hoping Betty won't turn out like her!"

2007-03-07 11:10:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-07 11:09:16 · 5 answers · asked by JMAN 2

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

2007-03-07 11:08:59 · 8 answers · asked by Smurf 7

2007-03-07 11:08:44 · 2 answers · asked by JMAN 2

2007-03-07 11:08:26 · 3 answers · asked by JMAN 2

I don't care what it is just make me laugh!

2007-03-07 11:04:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She woman replied, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

2007-03-07 11:04:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

2007-03-07 11:00:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-07 11:00:06 · 11 answers · asked by SONNY BOY 2

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned b*stard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that b*stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"

2007-03-07 10:59:14 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous