Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Make me laugh with one word....

2007-03-07 07:19:10 · 9 answers · asked by Lenneth's true challenge 4

i was standing on a paving stone near the road and was about to step onto the road when this big red machine whisked me away, suddenly i was with all these strange other creatures for about 5-10 mins. then the door of this machine opened so i jumped out, have i been abducted by aliens

2007-03-07 07:14:35 · 14 answers · asked by fourjayjames 1

there was this boy and her grandma that went to the meat market.The grandma told the bootcher to give her a pound of sliced steak.The grandmother told the grandson to take it from the counter and as he takes it off from the counter the steak falls to the floor.The boy was about to pick it up but as he reached down to pick up the steak,the grandmother had a supersstition that any thing that would fall to the ground the devil would lick it.So the grand mother yelled out "no son dont pick that up the devil has licked it!!!"and her grandson did not hesitate to back away she then told her grandson "when ever something falls do not pick it up because the devil would lick it ".later as they were walking the grandmother fell and as she fell she told her grand son "pick me up son"the boy said "no grandma the devil has licked you" and left.

2007-03-07 07:09:01 · 15 answers · asked by jon jay 87 2

A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

”Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"

2007-03-07 07:07:36 · 12 answers · asked by bubble 1

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

2007-03-07 07:06:13 · 15 answers · asked by Mary 6

We were both walking down the street when he fell down a hole filled with milk. I asked, "is it pasteurised" and he said, "no, its only up to my knees"!

2007-03-07 07:06:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

how many?

2007-03-07 07:03:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes . He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean . ." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well"

2007-03-07 06:59:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman who was expetcting triplets and one day was shot 3times in her belly,
She was rushed to hospital where she was told she and her unborn children were fine, and the only set back was that when the kids were older they bullet would remove itself from thier bodies,
The children were born a few months later perfectly healthy, she had two girls and a boy,
when they were 18 one of the girls came rushing through the house to her mum and cried 'mum i was just having a wee and a bullet came out!!'
The mother sat the girl down and told her the story, so the girl went away, a bit shaken up but all around ok,
An hour on the other girl came rushing downstairs and shouted 'mum i was just having a wee and a bullet came out!!'
The mother sat the girl down and told her the story, and again she was ok,
an hour later the boy came down looking worried and his mum said 'let me guess you were having a wee and a bullet came out?'
'No' replaid the boy 'I was having a w*nk and I shot the dog!'

2007-03-07 06:44:04 · 25 answers · asked by baby_CSJ_ xxx 2

a kid in a class room asked the teacher can i go to the loo
teacher replies only if you do the alphabet
kid replies abcdefghijklmno qrstuvwxyz
teacher replies where is the p
kid replies running down my leg.

2007-03-07 06:34:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a
pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in his eyes &
said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord,
have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband! That's against the law!

My license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2007-03-07 06:33:36 · 10 answers · asked by Chi-Girli 3

2007-03-07 06:33:05 · 21 answers · asked by mjolnir1174293 2

Two aliens pull into a gas station.
after jumping out of thier spaceship they walk up to a gas pump.
one says to the other "let me do the talking"
so he points his laser gun at the gas pump and states
"Take Me to you Leader".
Of course the gas pump doesn't respond.
the little alien again points his laser gun at the gas pump and states
"Take Me to your Leader".
and again the gas pump doesn't respond.
the third time the little alien is getting mad.
he points his laser gun at the gas pump and states
"Take Me to your Leader or I'm gonna blow you to bits.
and of course the gas pump doesn't respond.
the little alien fires his laser gun and there is one hell of an explosion.
the two little aliens just escape with their lives.
as they are flying back to their home planet
the second alien speaks up and says

I KNEW HE WAS A BAD *** THE WAY HE HAD HIS DICK PULLED OUT WRAPPED AROUND HIM AND SHOVED IN HIS EAR.

Let me know what you think of this.

2007-03-07 06:31:32 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?'

'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'

Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!'

Her mother said, 'Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'

2007-03-07 06:30:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stanford called the vet, "Doctor, you've got to come
right over! My pet pig just ate the TV remote control!"

"I'll be right there."

"Thanks, but what do I do in the meantime?"

The vet said, "Use the buttons on the TV."

2007-03-07 06:29:15 · 10 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2007-03-07 06:27:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."Boy "I have a baseball and a Wilson infielder's glove."Man "That's nice."Boy - "Want to buy it?"Man "No,thanks."Boy - "My dad's outside."Man "OK, how much?"Boy - "$150"Man "Sold."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess. They go to the church and the father makes the boy sit in the confession booth .The boy says, "Dark in here." Priest says.Don't you're in My closet now.

2007-03-07 06:19:02 · 15 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

his hand falling asleep

2007-03-07 06:16:59 · 12 answers · asked by anna g 1

balls if the phone rings dont answer the call

whats your fav scary movie?

2007-03-07 06:16:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

an orgy

2007-03-07 06:15:27 · 3 answers · asked by DEATH 4 1

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.Recently she returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
.....

2007-03-07 06:12:05 · 14 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

ok,theres this brunette lady mowin her lawn,she has just started.
her new hot,blonde neighbor comes out.he walks to his mailbox and checks inside.apparently nothing was there becuase he closed it and went bak in the house.
so the brunette haired lady is in the middle of mowin her lawn aand the hot,blonde neighbor comes bak out.he checks his mailbox and turns red and walks bak into the house.
the brunette-haired lady is just now finishin her lawn when he comes bak out again.he checks and slams his mailbow shut.he starts screamin.she asks him,"is everything alright?"...he responds by sayin "NO!the stupid computer keeps sayin i got mail!i dont have mail!!!!!!!"..

-blonde jokes. -.-

2007-03-07 06:11:47 · 5 answers · asked by i.Nεεd.Yεw.Bσσ* 2

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.""Do you think it will work?" she asks."It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."."What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I am your mother and archbishop is your father.

2007-03-07 06:11:46 · 8 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

The Password!


A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the
appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a
password - something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather
amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this
to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied...





PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH

2007-03-07 06:10:55 · 39 answers · asked by chris w. 7

self emplloyed

2007-03-07 06:06:16 · 7 answers · asked by DEATH 4 1

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened."I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.""That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"Right!" said the drunk, still crying."You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?""Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
---

2007-03-07 06:05:48 · 12 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

what type of bee's produce milk??




BOO BIES

2007-03-07 06:05:41 · 14 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Well?

2007-03-07 05:58:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

because all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped

2007-03-07 05:55:11 · 14 answers · asked by QPRfan 6

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour’s cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

2007-03-07 05:45:58 · 12 answers · asked by Cowboy 4