Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
>year-olds,
>
>"What does love mean?"
>
>
>The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
>See what you think:
>
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
>toenails anymore.
>So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got
arthritis
>too. That's love."
>
>Rebecca- age 8
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just
>know that your name is safe in their mouth."
>
>Billy - age 4
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and
>they go out and smell each other."
>
>Karl - age 5
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
>without making them give you any of theirs."
>
>Chrissy - age 6
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
>
>Terri - age 4
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before
>giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
>
>Danny - age 7
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
>you still want to be together and you talk more.
>My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss!"
>
>Emily - age 8
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
>and listen."
>
>Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who
>you hate."
>
>Nikka - age 6
>(We need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt; then he wears it everyday."
>
>Noelle - age 7
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
>even after they know each other so well."
>
>Tommy - age 6
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at
>all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
>
>He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
>
>Cindy - age 8
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"My mommy loves me more than anybody! You don't see anyone else kissing
me
>to sleep at night."
>
>Clare - age 6
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
>
>Elaine-age 5
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer
>than Brad Pitt."
>
>Chris - age 7
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all
>day."
>
>Mary Ann - age 4
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes
>and has to go out and buy new ones."
>
>Lauren - age 4
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars
come
>out of you."
>
>(What an image!)
>
>Karen - age 7
>_______________________________________________________
>
>"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean
>it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
>
>Jessica - age 8
>_______________________________________________________
>
>
>And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about
>a contest he was asked to judge.
>
>The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
>
>The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly
>gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
>
>Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
>climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
>
>
>When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said:
>
>
>"Nothing, I just helped him cry."
>

2007-03-27 23:49:31 · 10 answers · asked by Just passing the time! 5

Hello children of the 80's. Read this, it will take you back but be careful cause it will also make you
realise that you are now actually OLD!!

Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo.

Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.

You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".

You wanted to be on "Jim'll Fix It".

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery.

You had one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat (Global Hypercolour).

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.

You can remember watching Saved by the Bell.

You remember Madonna in her cone stage.

You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly titled "Prince."

You wore fluorescent-neon clothing... (if you can call it clothing!).

You could break dance (ok, you wished you could).

You remember when Amiga was a state of the art video game system.

You remember M.C. Hammer.

You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"....

You can remember when it was Jazzy Jeff and The fresh Prince and NOT just plain Will Smith!

You own any cassettes.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ALF or ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered on why Smurfit was the ONLY female surf.

My Little Pony, Gummy Bears and Transformers are familiar to you.

You had a Swatch Watch.

You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the "Care Bear stare."

You believed that "By the power of Grey skull, you HAD the power!"

Big wheels and Box’s were the way to go.

With your pink (or blue) portable tape player, you sang to Kylie and Jason!

You owned Polly Pocket or Micro Machines.

You made Ken fall in love with Barbie.

Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

You knew that Transformers were "more than meets the eye".

You wore a banana clip at some point during your
Youth.

You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY
good film.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all
be living in space.

You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.

You had to change into play clothes after school.

You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.

You wore those wide, colourful shoelaces.

You still don't like going in the sea because of Jaws.


You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armored tank.

Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite programme.

You said "bright light, bright light" in a strange high-pitched voice.

You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the relative merits of Matt & Luke.

Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in your wardrobe or make-up collection.

You did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and you
knew you looked like a superhero.

Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate that your wings were like a shield of steel.

You still remember when the A-ha video was the pinnacle
of modern technology and you can still sing all the words.

Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt.

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.


You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of a Capri so it looked like KITT.


You had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up.

You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word "Exterminate!".

Girls - You owned a pair of Pixie boots, generally worn with leg warmers. Boys - You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with white toweling socks.

You held a chicken in the air or stuck a deckchair up your nose.

You wore legwarmers & tried to do the splits while jumping in the air while singing you were going to
live forever.

You remember Fingermouse and Dangermouse (not forgetting his trusty sidekick Penfold!).

You know all the words to "Hey Mickey"(well, nobody knows past the first verse anyway).

Your best mate had a Soda Stream at home and you were jealous.

Any elderly Scottish lady sounds like Supergran.

You remember playing British Bulldog.

When 'Computer' Tennis, Pac-Man and Donkey-Kong ruled.


You remember hearing the tune then running out to buy an ice cream cone on a warm summer night - 99's, screwballs or a cider lolly.

You got up extra early, especially to watch Saturday Morning cartoons.

You were occasionally allowed to stay up late for Howard's Way, Dallas, Dynasty or Minder.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

You remember when 25p was decent pocket money and you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 10p.

Important decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

2007-03-27 23:44:55 · 23 answers · asked by Just passing the time! 5

I shave my legs,

I sit down to pee.

And I can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.

I can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,

I can pump my own gas.

Can talk to my friends, about the size of my ***.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.

At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles, at any cost.

And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost.

I never forget, an important date.

You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies, with lots of gore.

Don't need instant replay, to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch.

And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a *****.

Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.

In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

Flowers are okay,

But jewelry's best.

Look at ME you idiot...

Not at my chest

I don't have a problem,

With Expressing my feelings.

I know when you're lying,

You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,

a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Get it?, you DICK!?!

2007-03-27 23:37:35 · 14 answers · asked by Just passing the time! 5

A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite
bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled
her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short
pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches
for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages
it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed
sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I
Norwegian."

2007-03-27 23:29:23 · 14 answers · asked by Just passing the time! 5

a women and baby where in the doctor s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the babys first exam. the doctor arrived and examined the baby checked his weight and being a little concerned asked if the baby was bottle fed or breast fed.
Breast fed she replied.
well strip down to your waist the doctor ordered.
She did he pinched her nipples then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breast for a while in a detailed wxamination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said "no wounder this baby is underweight you don't have any milk".
I know she said im his grandma, but im glad i came.

2007-03-27 23:24:36 · 9 answers · asked by its just a joke 3

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest
and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her
friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how
things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good
book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

2007-03-27 23:13:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four Fruits
In a contest, four fruits (an apple, a banana, an orange, and a pear)

have been placed in four close..

2007-03-27 23:05:04 · 5 answers · asked by Vijay Kandpal 2

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a
model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

2007-03-27 23:03:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Damn, Burnt one!"


hahahahahaha man thats funny lol HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok ill stop now.


HAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!!

2007-03-27 23:02:02 · 15 answers · asked by Kantong Woksta 1

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

2007-03-27 23:01:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

2007-03-27 22:52:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The best place to be when you're sad is with your dog.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.

Reading what people write on desks can get you through the test.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide broccoli in a glass of milk.

School lunches stick to the wall.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.

Never say "Last one is a rotten egg" unless you're absolutely sure someone is slower than you.

It's impossible to unlearn a bad word.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

2007-03-27 22:43:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke.

The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up onto the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

2007-03-27 22:38:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ken Dodd's dad's dog's died.

2007-03-27 22:36:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

On that faithful Sunday, the children were learning about Adam and Eve. However one girl called Christina didn't get much sleep the night before, so she was very tired. A little boy who fancied her was called Johnny, he sat right behind her. Anyway, the teacher said "Who created the Universe? Christina, what do you think?" Johnny pricked Christina with a needle and she blurted out "JESUS CHRIST!".

"Very good Christina." said the teacher.

15 minutes later the teacher said "Who was Jesus' father? Christina, you again."

Johnny pricked her again and she said "OH GOD!" "Very good again Christina".

It was the end of the lesson and the teacher decided to give a sweet to whoever got the answer right. She said "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 23rd child?" Johnny hoped that this would get him into her good books. He pricked her again and she said "If you st*ck that thing in me one more time, i'll snap it in half!"

Christina was grounded for 4 months after that!

2007-03-27 22:35:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man to God: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"

God to Man: "So you would love her."

Man to God: "But why did you make her so dumb?"

God to Man: "So that she would love you."

2007-03-27 22:22:33 · 20 answers · asked by ViXoNvEe 2

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if
he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little
ticked off, so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the
cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a
week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw
you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the
kitchen The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna
tell him or should I?"

2007-03-27 22:07:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were two guys at a stop light, the stupid guy pulled up next to this fancy honda, while waiting for the light the stupid guy accidently presses on the gas making the "vroom vroom"
noise.

The guy in the fancy honda looks at him with an eager face and says...What?......Race?......

The stupid guy looks at him and says "oh, Polish!!"

2007-03-27 22:03:26 · 3 answers · asked by ? 4

Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2007-03-27 21:55:17 · 11 answers · asked by Katie L 2

blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-03-27 21:48:58 · 11 answers · asked by Katie L 2

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2007-03-27 21:35:25 · 12 answers · asked by Katie L 2

The Knob :

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

2007-03-27 21:32:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fed up with problems in life, a man decided to commit suicide and he thought of applying four methods simultaneously .He took a bottle of poison , a loaded pistol and a piece of rope to a tall tree and climbed up the branch under which there was a river.He tied the rope to the branch and the other end to his neck , drank poison, and kept the pistol on his forehead and jumped pressing the trigger. Due to jerk , the bullet hit the rope and it broke it and he fell in the water down and as he was not knowing swimming he drank a lot of water and poison got diluted and could not die .

2007-03-27 21:31:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.




What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A Monkey eating cherries.

2007-03-27 21:24:09 · 3 answers · asked by its just a joke 3

If you beat your fish it will die

2007-03-27 21:18:17 · 10 answers · asked by its just a joke 3

What sets of numbers come next?

19 6 20 23 _ _ _

This is a tough one.

2007-03-27 21:15:28 · 7 answers · asked by Ho Say Liao 2

I was at the ATM ( cash machine ) yesterday and a little old Lady asked if I would check her balance for her........
So I pushed her over!

2007-03-27 21:12:18 · 24 answers · asked by Tooly 3

They both make you stand around for and hour for a two minute ride.

2007-03-27 21:12:11 · 3 answers · asked by its just a joke 3

Who is in middle of the boat?
Three men named Bob, Ken and John are in a boat. Bob always tells the
truth, Ken tells the truth sometimes, and John never tells the truth. The
man in the middle said, "I'm Ken," the man in the front said, "Bob is in the
middle." and the man in the back said, John is at the front." Which one is
in the middle of the boat?

2007-03-27 21:00:06 · 9 answers · asked by paramasivan u 1

The lawyer asked him "Do you have grounds?" and the farmer replied "No we throw them grounds away are we drink the coffee".

The lawyer then asked him "Well do you have a Case?" and the farmer replied "No but I do have a John Deere".

By this time the lawyer was getting a little frustrated and said "What is the wrong in your marriage? Is your wife a ******?". And the farmer said "No she ain't no ******......but that last kid she had was a ******.......and that is why I need one of them dey vorces.

2007-03-27 20:55:49 · 6 answers · asked by Ted 2