Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas'?

The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'.

'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'

2007-03-28 04:11:05 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist.

'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer.

Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself.

'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman.

'What now?' asked the tourist.

'It'll take you about ten minutes.'

'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman.

'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.

2007-03-28 04:10:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you looked in the mirror and you looked like Sanjaya? With that haird-do an all?

2007-03-28 04:09:28 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

2007-03-28 04:08:48 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

2007-03-28 04:02:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-28 03:53:52 · 8 answers · asked by jackylberry 2

2007-03-28 03:51:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

soo anyone?

2007-03-28 03:49:20 · 12 answers · asked by Ram 2

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was
waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked
through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her. They saw her and began calling greetings
to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting
for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter
told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint
Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and
asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that
day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of
Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see
you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her
husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse
who took care of you while you were ill. And
then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little
house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I travelled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went
water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I
am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

2007-03-28 03:48:19 · 17 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Come on think about it

2007-03-28 03:40:27 · 6 answers · asked by jackylberry 2

2007-03-28 03:25:52 · 63 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has a head but is not human and throws-up when gets a beaten from his dad and sometimes mom.

2007-03-28 03:24:36 · 8 answers · asked by roblow16 1

I have one for my boyfriend and a friend, but I need a few more. It shouldn't be anything too nasty, please.
Thanks for your help!

2007-03-28 03:19:27 · 9 answers · asked by Wednesday 3

2007-03-28 03:18:22 · 6 answers · asked by kaddyrae2003 1

"Oh no!" exclaimed the dumb bloke to his mate, "I think the cops are behind us."
"Well are they flashing?" asked the driver.
"Hold on, I'll have a look. Yeah, no,yeah,no...."

2007-03-28 03:17:30 · 11 answers · asked by *♥* donna *♥* 7

answer/man has pecker,bird can wisters

2007-03-28 03:11:06 · 6 answers · asked by timeneverstop 1

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

2007-03-28 02:50:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?

2007-03-28 02:49:27 · 8 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006, WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12 You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list.

2007-03-28 02:48:58 · 21 answers · asked by hellohello 2

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

2007-03-28 02:47:49 · 15 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has
been one month since my last confession.

I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail
Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex
with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall
upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the
Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
lightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies,

"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

2007-03-28 02:47:30 · 19 answers · asked by hellohello 2

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

2007-03-28 02:46:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have been asked to find some sayings for a game of Chinese Whispers tomorrow night, so I need to get some really good ones to use. Any that I can get before 5 pm GMT Thursday will be used. Thanks.

2007-03-28 02:42:51 · 4 answers · asked by HiFi 3

He spent a week picking peanuts out of his foreskin!

2007-03-28 02:34:27 · 9 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

2007-03-28 02:29:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-28 02:27:12 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is one thing you would like to preserve in life and why?

2007-03-28 02:20:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-28 02:17:05 · 11 answers · asked by JOHN M 1

2007-03-28 02:14:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is your father a terrorist?
.....No?
Because you'er the bomb


or this one



do you have a picture of your self?
yeh?
because i wanna show santa what i want for Christmas

now share me yours

2007-03-28 02:08:51 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous