Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

2007-02-25 11:13:28 · 16 answers · asked by Jay A 3

She had sex with a Mexican.

2007-02-25 11:11:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

10-
9-
8-
7-
6-
5-
4-
3-
2-
1- They have brea5ts

2007-02-25 11:08:53 · 16 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A famous magician was performing in front of a sold out crowd. She had gotten standing ovations for all her tricks that night. The show was ending and she told the audience that she had one more act to perform.

"For my last act, I will hypnotize people. However, I will not hypnotize a select few; I will prove my power by hypnotizing the entire audience!"

She pulled out a sparkling jewel on a chain and began to swing it in front of the audience. "Watch the jewel and listen to my voice. You are all slipping into a trance. You are all becoming hypnotized by me and will obey my commands."

As with her other tricks, she was very successful and it did not take her long to hypnotize the entire audience. However, before she stopped swinging, she accidently dropped the jewel.

"S**t", she proclaimed.

It took three weeks to clean up the mess.

2007-02-25 11:07:06 · 11 answers · asked by Steady As She Goes 2

When asked: "What's the traffic like out there?"
He answered: "It's 8 0'clock in the morning. Everyone left the house at the same da** time. Back to you. I'll get back to you at 5:30 and tell you the same thing. Only guess what, this time they're goin' the other way."

2007-02-25 11:05:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

They bought a truck load of watermelons for a dollar a piece,took them to NewYork and sold them for a dollar apiece. After selling all the watermelons, one of the black's told the other one that they didn't make any money on the deal. The other black scratched his head and said "maybe we should get a bigger truck"!

2007-02-25 11:02:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill. He couldn't figure it out, so he asked his buxom blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

2007-02-25 10:58:46 · 20 answers · asked by Jay A 3

And now the punch line:

"Peanut Butter, George Harrison, and the Key of E-Flat"

2007-02-25 10:57:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are playing together in a charity golf tournament. Stevie has a unique way of golfing as Tiger learned. Stevie's caddy gives him his driver and runs down the fairway. About 250 yards away he yells, "Stevie, Stevie."

Stevie Wonder pulls his driver back and whacks the ball within 10 feet of his caddy. They continue this again and again with Stevie Wonder hitting it very close to his caddy. He pars and birdies almost every time.

"Wow, that is impressive Stevie." Tiger said.

"Yeah! I can beat anyone at golf." Stevie answered.

"Well. Not everyone", Tiger said back.

"No, I can even beat you."

"Stevie, I'm the best golfer in the world. No offense but I think I could probably beat you."

"No, I don't think so," Stevie said with confidence. "As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to put a little money on a hole."

"Stevie, come on, I don't want to take your money."

"No Tiger. Let's do it... $1,000."

2007-02-25 10:53:03 · 11 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Now for the punch line:

"A bag of M&M's, a fifth of Tequila, and my ex-wife!"

2007-02-25 10:50:09 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man stopped by a cafe and had his lunch. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets for a tip, and leaves his change; three pennies. As he strides for the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".
The man turned around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? What does my tip say"?
"Well, this first penny tells me you are a thrifty man".
Barely able to conceal his pride the man utters, "Hmm, that's true enough".
"This next penny tells me you are a bachelor".
Surprised at her perception he says, "Well, that's true, too".
"And this last penny here tells me your Father was one, also".

2007-02-25 10:48:28 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

Now for the punch line:

"O.J. Simpson, Jessica Simpson, and Bart Simpson!"

2007-02-25 10:48:12 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me the best joke that u can
it can be any kind
whoever tells me the funniest joke wins

2007-02-25 10:45:24 · 15 answers · asked by 1prettypeach 2

2007-02-25 10:44:33 · 10 answers · asked by noeusuperstate 6

And now, the punch line:

"I never knew you could have this much fun with a potato!"

2007-02-25 10:41:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on earth?

2007-02-25 10:40:04 · 10 answers · asked by andygames07 3

Here on Earth it's almost always true, that tomorrow will follow today.
Yet there is a place where yesterday always follows today.
Where is this place?

2007-02-25 10:37:34 · 15 answers · asked by andygames07 3

If a rooster layed an egg on top of the roof, and the egg was EXACTLY on the tip of it........ When the wind blew, wich way did the egg fall?

2007-02-25 10:36:30 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you know someone who seems to know everything, and when asked how, they say, "A Little Bird told me"?
Do you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are Little Birds that fly very fast, are hardly ever seen, and they are everywhere.
These creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere", or FUE for short. These Birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything, quite quickly.
Some of these Birds befriend certain individuals, and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.
They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.
This person is the one who is always in the know, a step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Who just don't get it? Who always asks, "Huh"?
Why, I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, the reason is simply, they don't have a CLUCKING FUE.

2007-02-25 10:33:07 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

2007-02-25 10:32:06 · 11 answers · asked by eiramronarevir 1

Two sentries were on duty outside a barracks. One faced up the road to watch for anyoe approaching from the North. The other looked down the road to see if anyone approached from the South. Suddenly one of them said to the other, "Why are you smiling?"

How did he know that his companion was smiling?

2007-02-25 10:29:44 · 13 answers · asked by andygames07 3

How would you rearrange the letters in the words new door to make one word?
There is only one correct answer.

2007-02-25 10:27:18 · 5 answers · asked by andygames07 3

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several

months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he

came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You

have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were

there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got

shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with

warmth.

you're a f##king jinx

2007-02-25 10:24:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone,
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue.
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin was soft.
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how,
But I tried my best.
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished,
It's all over now.
My first time ever
At milking a cow .......!

2007-02-25 10:12:40 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

2007-02-25 10:02:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

He found a magic lamp.While rubbing off the sand, a genie appeared and told the guy to whisper his wish in his ear and then was told to go home and wait for his wish to be delivered. About ten o'clock that night came a knock on the door.He ran to the door,threw it open and there stood two KKK guys in their white robes and holding a rope. One of the KKK guy's spoke up "You the guy that wants to be hung like a N*****?"

2007-02-25 09:58:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

And they come across a mirror. Paddy bends down and stares into the mirror spending much time looking in bewilderment. "Jeez, oim sure I know that fella there murphey, he looks awful familiar" Murphey grabs the mirror looks on and says "Paddy you fkn eeijot, that's me"

2007-02-25 09:57:08 · 8 answers · asked by itchy.crack i 3

A witch married a vampire, and they wanted to have a kid. They tried, and tried, but nothing. Then eventually the witch figured out the problem...the vampire had a Hallowienie!!!

2007-02-25 09:54:35 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT was it???? Was it the nuns??"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head.

"Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms???? WHAT WAS IT ????"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

2007-02-25 09:53:50 · 43 answers · asked by Tink 5

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, a

2007-02-25 09:51:50 · 21 answers · asked by makenzie j 1