Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in
Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks,
he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in
Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the
place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen
To me sister."

2007-02-25 08:37:17 · 2 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

The Smith's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered.

"No gas or needles or any of that stuff.

Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist admiringly.

"Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

2007-02-25 08:35:05 · 39 answers · asked by Tink 5

I work for everyone. And most people use me. I sometimes don't work, but I just need to be cleaned. You can find me in a school, or in a home.

2007-02-25 08:27:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old farmer Joe lives in an old dusty town. In his old dusty shed is a container of old dusty water that weighs 10 pounds. Farmer Joe decides to clean his shed, he throws some stuff away, puts things where they belong, and by the time he is done, the container with the old dusty water is lighter. What did he add to the container?

2007-02-25 08:23:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

It turned into a field.
Not the best but quite funny.

2007-02-25 08:17:00 · 13 answers · asked by Joanna C 2

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

2007-02-25 08:14:31 · 37 answers · asked by Tink 5

Why trick or treat is better than s£x

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND....

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!!

2007-02-25 08:07:15 · 46 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-25 08:04:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need this answer!

2007-02-25 07:58:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I really need this answer!

2007-02-25 07:57:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-25 07:56:19 · 11 answers · asked by Angie*&*%# 2

one of the nuns wore a jumper thing instead of the traditional habit.

2007-02-25 07:54:56 · 5 answers · asked by bunny 3

Because if it was invented any where else, it would be called the, "Teethbrush."

2007-02-25 07:53:43 · 4 answers · asked by Amish Rebel 4

2007-02-25 07:43:41 · 3 answers · asked by anu_max 1

Okay an old man with no eyes went to an apple tree and picked a apple how did he see the apple?

2007-02-25 07:41:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man rides in to town on friday , stays three days and leaves on friday... how???

2007-02-25 07:28:56 · 18 answers · asked by kim t 4

2007-02-25 07:27:32 · 8 answers · asked by kim t 4

Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
Dumb man + smart woman = affair.
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage.

Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.

2007-02-25 07:05:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

did aliens take over the world?
did some country secretly take over with technology?
did i die and get born in a space colony that looked just like where i used to live?
am i in hell?
am i dreaming?
did someone give me large amounts of LSD in my sleep?
did witches put curses on my life?
have i been transported to the planet of clones?
have i been put on a planet with nothing but humanlooking robots?
did the nuclear bombs go off

2007-02-25 06:56:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-25 06:51:22 · 12 answers · asked by chris j 7

i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

*please dont answer "i dont know" or "nope... dont know it". i jus really wanna know the answer for real and i asked it b4 and almost all the responses were like that. thx.

2007-02-25 06:49:04 · 8 answers · asked by babyleo91_09 2

What are some funny cheers to say when doing a shot w/ friends at a bar?

2007-02-25 06:47:47 · 9 answers · asked by krstybrghtlght2001 1

2007-02-25 06:35:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am ***-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

hehehe...ain' t it true?

2007-02-25 06:25:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

so........why does daffy duck wear a towel when he gets out of the shower, but never wears any pants?

2007-02-25 06:25:27 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ 1

Ok, you can call this the worst joke ever that i made up! ;) Tell me whatca think:

Ok, there was this guy named Eric, and he cherished his pet avocado, of course, named Avocado. He treated it like his own child. One day, this girl named Jane offered to watch over Avocado while Eric went to the store. While Eric was at the store, Jane got real hungry, but there was nothing to eat.
When Eric came back, Jane announced "I renamed Avocado." Eric asked her, "Ok, so what's his new name?" Jane held out a large mixing bowl, and said "Guacamole".

2007-02-25 06:20:23 · 14 answers · asked by taylor ! 4

There was a fish waiting for a fly to drop 6 inches so the fish could eat the fly.
There was a PussyCat waiting for the fly to drop 6 inches so the fish would eat the fly and the cat could eat the fish.
There was a bear waiting for the fly to drop 6 inches so the fish would eat the fly, the cat would miss the fish, and the bear would get the fish.
There was a hunter waiting for the fly to drop 6 inches so the fish would eat the fly, the cat would miss the fish, the bear would get the fish, and the hunter could get the bear.
So, the fly drops 6 inches, the fish gets the fly, the cat misses the fly and falls in the water, the bear gets the fish, and the hunter gets the bear.

Moral of the story is that when the fly drops 6 inches the pu-ssy gets wet.

2007-02-25 06:16:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very sceptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very sceptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

2007-02-25 06:16:03 · 16 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Whats the cleverest thing to come out of a woman's mouth ?

Einstein's d1ck

or

Whats the most sensible thing a woman has ever said ?

A man told me once .....

2007-02-25 06:12:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

2007-02-25 05:57:43 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous