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Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

the first lady says last week whilst cleaning my daughters room
i found a packet of cigarets under her bed ,
i approached her and said ! how long have you been smoking?

she replied 5 years !

I had no idea she smoked , and had done for the last 5 yrs !!!!!


The other lady said ! thats nothing ! i found drugs in my daughters bag , and she says shes been taking drugs
for 6 years i had no idea !!!!

the blond then says girls ! thats nothing ,
i found a condom in my daughters hand bag recently , and after all
these years i never knew she had a penis !!!!

2007-02-25 01:16:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lion stopped an okapi and demanded to know "Who is the King of the jungle?" The okapi at once replied "Why, you are, King lion." The lion stopped a monkey and demanded "who is the King of the jungle?" The monkey said "You are of course, King lion." The lion went up to an elephant and said "Who is the king of the jungle?" The elephant shot out his trunk, grabbing the lion, smashed him into the dirt three times, banged the lion against a tree twice and tossed him twenty feet into the air to drop in the river. The bedraggled lion struggled to the bank, spat out a mouthful of water, looked over at the elephant. "Okay Jumbo- There's no need to flip, just 'cos you can't remember."

2007-02-25 01:08:04 · 13 answers · asked by poppy vox 4

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. I called you at work just to see if you wanted to have lunch (you know, maybe try to reconnect) and your boss told me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P. S. Don't bother trying to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten mill ion dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So Take care.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free

P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

2007-02-25 01:06:07 · 25 answers · asked by Marmylade 2

try & answer dis riddle

2007-02-25 00:53:11 · 11 answers · asked by os 1

Here we have Ned Nott
and Sam Shott.
There was a shot heard.
Some say Nott
was not shot.
But Shott says
he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott
was not shot,
or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott,
Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott,
then Shott was shot,
not Nott.
Who shot who?

2007-02-25 00:53:03 · 11 answers · asked by ☺•˚ºo(█?) 2

At a public lecture, the speaker got round to sex within marriage. "Some have it five times a week. Some have it only once a fortnight. Some only once a year. Anyone here has it only once a year?" An old man stood up and waved his hand about. "Over here. Oi! It's me. I do. I do." The speaker said "All right sir, thank you. Sit down- There's no need to get so excited." The old man said "That's what you think. Tonight's the night."

2007-02-25 00:49:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

2007-02-25 00:44:30 · 6 answers · asked by Mary 6

2007-02-25 00:44:10 · 5 answers · asked by seth 2

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

2007-02-25 00:43:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tracey married a man 40 years her senior and only regretted it when it was time for his annual shag. That was when she felt old age creeping on.

2007-02-25 00:42:26 · 9 answers · asked by Harriet 5

2007-02-25 00:42:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-25 00:41:25 · 4 answers · asked by os 1

An American guy told this in our pub last night. He said it was a good joke. What's best for water on the knee? A faucet on the ankle.

2007-02-25 00:31:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

2007-02-24 23:55:03 · 7 answers · asked by funny harazzer 1

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

2007-02-24 23:53:02 · 16 answers · asked by funny harazzer 1

her blinker got stuck !!

2007-02-24 23:47:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

2007-02-24 23:41:50 · 7 answers · asked by funny harazzer 1

The 10blonde
The Rope

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette about how she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Problem solved.

2007-02-24 23:38:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

: )

2007-02-24 23:37:25 · 8 answers · asked by Adi M 1

A Polish immigrant goes to the DVLA to apply for a driver's licence. But first of course he has to take a vision test, so the examiner shows him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z' and says; "Can you read this?" "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know him!"

2007-02-24 23:27:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

2007-02-24 23:20:02 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

2007-02-24 23:14:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

He's being burgled. He phones the police who tell him they are sorry but there is nobody availible to call on him at the moment. The man gets aggitated and informs them that he has a gun and he's very prepaired to use it. Within three mins there were several police units, the dog section and two helicopters flying around overhead. The captain himself gets out of an un-marked response vehicle and approaches the man. "I thought you said you had a gun?" Said the captain, "I thought you said you had nobody availible?" Said the man.

2007-02-24 23:08:51 · 5 answers · asked by florrie f 3

2007-02-24 23:04:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Give God what's right - not what's left.

2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to an endless hope.

3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

5. God grades on the cross, not the curve.

6. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

7. We don't change God's message - His message changes us.

8. The church is prayer-conditioned.

9. When God ordains, He sustains.

10. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

11. Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

12. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

13. Wisdom has two parts - 1) having a lot to say 2) not saying it.

14. Never give the devil a ride - he will always want to drive.

15. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

16. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

17. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

18. Forbidden fruits create many jams.

19. Be ye fishers of men - you catch them & He'll clean them.

20. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

21. If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.

2007-02-24 23:03:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a male is driving his car at the correct speed limit 60
he looks in his mirror and sees a police man driving close behind
he panicks and speeds upto 80 , with that the police man sounds his siron , the male driver then speeds upto 100 , the police man continues to chase ,,
the male driver then reaches speeds over 130 until his motor
blew up , and he had to pull over .
the police man aproaches the driver and is furious ,, he demands
Why did you speed off when you saw me ???
i have had a very bad day ive been shot at, spat at , punched
and now i have to chase you , you better have a good reason!!!

(driver) my wife left me for a policeman and i thought it might have been you trying to give her back !!!

2007-02-24 22:56:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

my wwife rolled over and hit me with her house shoe. I said what was that for. and she replied "thats for being a lousy lover" i closed my eyes and thought about this for a moment, Then I picked up my house shoe and gaver her a whack. she sat up and said "What the hell was that for?" and I said "Thats for knowing the difference."



ok so I really am going to sleep now. PEACE

2007-02-24 22:54:58 · 7 answers · asked by molly 6

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "Why, your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but it was full of scars. It had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laugh

2007-02-24 22:50:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

a drunk stumbles into his third tavern of the evening. Only this time he has a steering wheel attatched to his belt buckle. the bartender says "hey buddy ya kow youre wearin a steering wheel?"
the dunk says "Yeah and its driving me nuts."

2007-02-24 22:39:33 · 9 answers · asked by molly 6

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by thereception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE

2007-02-24 22:32:01 · 20 answers · asked by sheriff fatman 2

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