Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when
I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for
the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn
right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is.
Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the ******* floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it.

2007-02-05 03:41:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar after a hard days work on Monday and asks the bartender for a Tequila Sunrise.
The bartender complies and serves him his drink.
The man really enjoys them so he keeps on ordering them throughout the entire evening. The man enjoys them so much and likes the place that he keeps on coming back everyday for the rest of the week, always ordering Tequila Sunrises.
The next week, the man comes stumbling in after work and asks the bartender for a "Sprite."
Well the bartender is dumbfounded and asks, "Hey buddy, you came in all of last week ordering Tequila Sunrises like there was no tomorrow. Why the change?"
The man replied, "Well, after ordering all of those drinks, I ended up going home and blowing chunks."
The bartender says, "well I see your point, that much drinking can make you sick."
The man interjects and says,
"NO...you don't understand.....

CHUNKS is my DOG!"

2007-02-05 03:34:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a man who owned a mansion who claimed he inherit the mansion but was not rich at all-you decide.the mansion had a total of 50rooms.they were all rented out.20rooms with kitchen and baths he rented monthly for $375.20rooms with only the bathroom he rented for $275.the other 10rooms had no bathrooms,you,d have to go down the hall to use one of the three that were available,these 10rooms were rented out for$175.the man payed a total of $875 on all utilities which included light,water,sewer and garbage.the man also payed a total of $300 on basic cable,and $197 on local phone lines which covered all rooms together.How much was he earning and spending?was he right or not?was the man rich or not, even with the spare profit?what,s your answer?10points first one right answer.

2007-02-05 03:25:44 · 8 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

2007-02-05 03:21:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

He said...Want a quickie? She said...As opposed to what?

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said...Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said...This coffee isn't fit for a pig! She said...No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said...It's not my fault. I ran out of money.

He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said...If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well. She said...Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener as well.

He said...You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man? She said...No, have you?

He said...Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said...Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.

2007-02-05 03:21:26 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

and asks the bartender for a beer

the bartender serves him and the duck drinks his beer and leaves

a couple of days later, the duck has been in everyday drinking his beer and leaving

the circus ringmaster comes in asking if he could put some posters up

the barm,an says thats fine but then suddenly realises and shouts the guy back, he says

hey mate ive got a duck comes in here youd love... he drinks like a human, and talks like a human

thats great, replies the circus master, can you give him my card

sure replies the barman

the next day the duck comes into the pub and the barmn hands over the card and tells him about it

The circus? the duck replies, as in a big top,#

yes says the barman

as in a tent, mostly canvas?

yes says the barman

the duck looks confused at the barman and asks

what the hell do they want with a plasterer

2007-02-05 03:20:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son...
"Go and get your mother."

2007-02-05 03:11:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man married three women in one weekend.

He was a priest.!!!!!

2007-02-05 03:10:45 · 18 answers · asked by birdwings_65 2

FROM A MAN'S POINT OF VIEW OF COURSE!!!

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my finance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

2007-02-05 03:09:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him.

The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath." (psychopath)

2007-02-05 03:07:47 · 10 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

2007-02-05 03:04:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

2007-02-05 03:04:20 · 15 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied

2007-02-05 02:57:44 · 16 answers · asked by Bev 5

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

2007-02-05 02:55:46 · 11 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

it's cristmas time and little johnny got a train set.

he is sitting in the front room playing, mum is in the kitchen cooking.

johnny "any body on the train get the f*** off, anybody boarding the train hurry the fu** up"

mum comes out the kitchen "johnny go to your room for an hour until you have learnt to speak nicely to your passengers"

1 hour later

mum's back in the kitchen johnny starts to play choo choo

johnny "any body getting off the train please mind the gap, any body getting on the train have a nice journey. those of you moaning about the 1 hour delay blame the fat b**** in the kitchen

2007-02-05 02:42:56 · 6 answers · asked by chocchip24 2

While attending a spelling session in school one day,
The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?
Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can"
The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."
Darla replies..."D-U-M-B"
The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"
Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."
The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"
Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."
Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D"
The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"
Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."
The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"
No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell
the word DICTATE?
Buckwheat replies, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that word
in a sentence?"
Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can."
"I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."

2007-02-05 02:42:23 · 10 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-02-05 02:40:22 · 8 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

Men vs. Women


Men and women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:

First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.

HATS:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...

LEG WARMERS:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.

A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES:

Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.

LOW BLOWS:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

2007-02-05 02:36:14 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A man who smelled like a brewery flopped on the train seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

2007-02-05 02:30:08 · 7 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

ok with the movie 23 coming out what is your number
like mine is 13 because: i will be turning 13 in 13 days and i was born in 1994 9x9=81 turned backwards is 18-1=17 17-4=13

2007-02-05 02:28:19 · 3 answers · asked by im lost come and find me 4

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, doctor, I have a lettuce leaf hanging out of my bxm".

The doctor has a look and says "Don't worry. It's only the tip of the iceberg."

Brunette after sxx: "Oh that was great! Love you...wanna marry?"
Blonde after sxx: "Next!"

Redhead after sxx: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.

Two men were talking. One said: I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead.

"What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time."

The first man shrugged. "Exactly." he replied.

Whenever John wanted to have sxx he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt hxrny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.

2007-02-05 02:28:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have £1.50."

2007-02-05 02:26:41 · 11 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and....'"

2007-02-05 02:26:28 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.
The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"
He replies, "No."
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don't want to get that again...!"

2007-02-05 02:24:47 · 6 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

2007-02-05 02:24:26 · 6 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Teacher: Sammy, I want you to make one sentence with the words "defense", "defeat", and "detail."
Sammy: The cow jumped over de fence, de feet first, and de tail last.

Teacher: The next word is unaware. Your turn Charlie. Give the meaning of unaware.
Charlie: Well ...it's the thing you put on first, and take off last.

2007-02-05 02:16:30 · 5 answers · asked by bootygirl 2

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"

2007-02-05 02:01:48 · 21 answers · asked by ilikepink29@sbcglobal.net 2

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

2007-02-05 01:49:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

i'm getting a bit worried about this bird flu, most of the doctors say it's un tweetable

2007-02-05 01:43:16 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

10,

1 to change the light bulb, the other 9 to congratulate him down the pub.

2007-02-05 01:33:47 · 16 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7