Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

50 if you use the ashtray

2007-01-06 09:51:21 · 5 answers · asked by cmann70726 3

songs

2007-01-06 09:50:12 · 13 answers · asked by huskey luvr 1

Talking Parrot!
A man lives with his parents his whole life. He doesn't drink, smoke, or do anything of that nature. Most importantly, though, he doesn't swear.

After both of his parents have died, when he's in his late fifties, he becomes lonely. He decides to go to the pet store, and buy a friend to talk to. He asks for the most talkative parrot that they have. They bring him a small, fluffy blue parrot, and he takes it home.

Excitedly, he says, "hello, new friend, what would you like me to call you". The parrot doesn't reply. The man, thinking that the parrot must be unable to hear him, repeats the sentence a bit louder.

The parrot replies with "I heard you the first time, A**hole".

Appalled, the man solemnly says "we don't use that kind of language in this house". Upon hearing this, the parrot starts screaming every profanity he's ever heard, even in other languages. The man gets terribly upset, and chases the parrot into a closet. Twenty minutes later, he's still swearing like a sailor.

So, he puts the parrot into a kitchen cabinet, and it does no good. Finally, he decides that a few minutes in the freezer will scare the parrot into stopping. He puts the parrot into the freezer, and after about a minute, the swearing comes to a stop.

Scared that he must've killed the parrot, he throws the freezer door open. The parrot hops out, and immediately cuddles up against the man, and says "I've learned my lesson, I'm sorry".

The man says "what caused you to stop using such horrible language?".

The parrot shakes a little bit, and says "I saw what you did to the chicken".

2007-01-06 09:46:06 · 14 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

The US has succeeded in building a super computer able
to solve any military strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine & instruct a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe the critical situation to the computer & then type in the pivotal question:
“ATTACK OR RETREAT?”

The computer hums away for a second & comes up with the answer:
“YES.”

Stupified, the generals look at each other
???

One general says to another, “Ask the computer again, it must be confused.” The general types in:
“YES WHAT?”

The computer takes a little longer this time & the military leaders put their faces up against the monitor. The computer responds:

"YES SIR! GENERAL SIR!”

2007-01-06 09:44:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

2007-01-06 09:43:44 · 7 answers · asked by Nafertiti 2

Every year at the state fair, a guy entered the lottery for the
brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend he wasn't
going to bother to enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" his friend asked. He leaned
closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around
and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, the guy grew more and more despondent
as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,
no sign from God.

Finally, as he was passing old Mrs. Smith's pie stand, he glanced
over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any
panties, and suddenly her @ss began to glow. All of a sudden, a
finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing
it, used her @ss as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on
each cheek.

Thanking God, he rushed to the raffle booth and played the number
77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, he
lost.

2007-01-06 09:39:55 · 18 answers · asked by a m 4

If any one has ever played Mad Gab then they know how to play it. Try to say these as fast as u can to understand what it says. Try to figure out these 5 i made:

1) Eye jest one to do letcha no
2) Chore job woosh sunks
3) Claw sin tris chin
4) Eye God muds gills
5) Trim tooth wigger oath is one

2007-01-06 09:36:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are the 'seven stars in the sky' the planets?
Who are the lily white boys - Gemini?
Who are the 6 proud walkers?
Wat are the symbols at your door?
I hope the kind person who sent me the words might have the answer.

2007-01-06 09:36:02 · 4 answers · asked by Beau Brummell 6

theres a number in my mind if u choose it ur a winner with abest answer so hurry bec. the first one is the winner

2007-01-06 09:35:35 · 23 answers · asked by Nouni 3

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.So one day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above...

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

2007-01-06 09:34:08 · 5 answers · asked by Nafertiti 2

which is faster cold or hot?

What comes once in a minute,
twice in a moment,but never
in a thousand years?

What can you put in a wood box
to make it lighter?

what is the next letter in the series
"B,C,D,E,G...?And Why?

Here on earth it is true,yesterday
is always before today;
but there is a place where
yesterdy follows today.Where?

Pronounced as one letter,
And written with three,
Two letters there are.
And tow in only me.
I'm double,I'm single,
I'm black, blue and gray,
I'm read from both ends,And
the same either way.
What am I?

2007-01-06 09:33:17 · 7 answers · asked by jouliette 1

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar,

talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya f**k one goat

2007-01-06 09:32:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need some blond jks

2007-01-06 09:31:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

mine would be people who sit at the bar and obstruct you getting a drink.

2007-01-06 09:29:36 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly Englishman was very ill & his son was at his bed-side in the hospital. The son gently leaned over & combed his fathers’ hair with his fingers. “A loving parent” he thought as flashes of ‘father & son’ memories pasted through his mind.

But then suddenly, the father begins to breathe heavily and grabs the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength & trembling hands he writes a note, drops it on the floor & dies.

What were the last words that the father would leave behind, words that the son could forever keep in his mind…

The son reached down to pick up the piece of paper…the note read “You wanker, get off my oxygen tube!!!”

2007-01-06 09:27:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is this?
my life can be measured in houres,
i serve by being devoured.
Thin,iam quick.
Fat,Iam fast.
Wind is my foe.

Take my first letter;
take away my secod letter all my letter,
take away all my leters and
I remain the same.What am I?

What words looks the same
upside down and backwards?

2007-01-06 09:22:56 · 2 answers · asked by jouliette 1

Chelsea had the most exciting news.She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have somegreat news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month.

Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker,has never hadmuch to offer in the sack, so, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother."

Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"

She rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dated turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons.

Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway."

2007-01-06 09:22:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men went on a cruise with their wives, Mark, Marky and Marcus.
They were in the middle of the mediterranean sea when a giant wave caused their ship to capsize. Mark and his wife got into the lifeboat first and they sailed to sicily. Marky and his wife got to the second lifeboat and that one sailed to Malta, Marcus and his wife got into the third lifeboat and that one sailed to Cyprus.
When all three couples got on dry land they tried to get in touch with each other, Mark first called Marky on his mobile phone, but becasue of International romaning charges on his pay as you go phone he couldnt dial as he didnt have enough credit on his phone, so he tried to send an SMS, only to find out that in the small print of his terms and conditions he wasnt able to send any sms to a foreign country. As he was trying, Marky was trying to phone Marcus on his mobile phone but because he used Tesco mobile, he too couldnt dial international, so he went to a local man selling pigeons and sent one.

2007-01-06 09:21:15 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two C.I.D. men were talking about it one said "we found out that in the last six months she ate only cat food ! ." " wow " said the other one "was that what killed her?" "no" says the first one "she fell off the roof licking her a*se !"

2007-01-06 09:19:49 · 14 answers · asked by abraxas5597 2

i need a good joke
and laughter id the best medicine

2007-01-06 09:16:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-06 09:13:59 · 13 answers · asked by matured 3

I Love Jokes So If You Know Any Could You Please Tell Me Them...Thank You!..!

2007-01-06 09:09:17 · 5 answers · asked by newyorknikki9 2

well if u do heres 1
there was a blonde and a bernet in a elavator and the blonde says t g i f and tha brenet says s h i t and the blonde says thats not nice t g i f thank god its friday and the brenet says s h i t sorry honey its thursday

2007-01-06 09:07:24 · 7 answers · asked by ~emo~elf~ 1

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night.All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.

"Jesus is gonna get you."The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.Again, the parrot cries out.

"Jesus is gonna get you."The robber started to get a little worried.

"What's your name, birdie?"

"Moses."

"What dumba-s named you Moses?"

"The same dumba-s who called his rottweiler Jesus."

2007-01-06 09:03:55 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day this little girl's dad came home and she runs up to him.

"Daddy, the cat died today!"

"Well, darling," said the dad. "That's just something that happens."

"But why are his arms and legs up in the air?"

"Well, darling, that's just something they do." She takes the death fairly well and doesn't mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

"Daddy, Daddy,Mommy almost died today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I came downstairs and I heardher screaming 'Oh Jesus, take me, take me!' And she had her ams and legs up in the air and if it hadn't been for the mailman tring to revive her she would have died."

2007-01-06 09:00:57 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

6:00 Alarm
6:15 ********
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (******** en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 ********
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot showing their growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over showing her growler, naturally)
6:45 ****, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of ****
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap ********
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

2007-01-06 08:58:42 · 12 answers · asked by Tink 5

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

2007-01-06 08:57:10 · 15 answers · asked by Tink 5

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it.The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, "That parrot repeats everything he hears." "That's alright," the man replied. So the man bought the parrot and left the store.As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.The cop hollered to his partner, "Shoot him down, shoot him down!" Then the parrot said, "Shoot him down, shoot him down!" They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.The man said, "Pop it up, pop it up!"The parrot said, "Pop it up, pop it up!"They kept on walking to a carnival.

A guy at a gamestand yelled, "Hit a big one, win a prize!"The parrot said, "Hit a big one, win a prize!"Then they walked into a church and sat down.The minister was in the middle of the sermon.He said, "The Lord is above us."The parrot said, "Shoot him down,shoot him down!"The minister said, "The devil is below us."The parrot said, "Pop it up, pop it up."Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot.The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.The parrot said," Hit a big one, win a prize!"

2007-01-06 08:54:18 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A male ostrich was chasing two females ostrich's. They ran around a corner and realized they were trapped. Nowhere else to run. One said to the other, "Quick, bury your head in the sand - hurry before he gets here."
A few moments the male rounds the corner and says, "Where's they go?"

2007-01-06 08:51:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who is the original artist of Black Horse and The Cherry Tree?

2007-01-06 08:50:31 · 7 answers · asked by sexypink75 1