Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-06 03:59:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is this house in my neighborhood. A old grandma lived there. There is this car in the driveway and its nasty and stuff me and my friend thought tonight we go in there. Is it a good idea the lady is gone because she fell and is in a retirement home. Would it be bad could we get in serious trouble. What happens if we do. She also peed in boxes. Her husband died and was in the war. Do you think it would be bad tell me everything you think

2007-01-06 03:57:16 · 6 answers · asked by skimboardergal6 3

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very poor parish and he needed money. He bought a horse to enter in a local race, but the horse turned out to be a donkey. Still, Father Murphy took it as God's will and entered the donkey in the race anyway. The donkey came in third and the newspaper said, "FATHER MURPHY'S A-S SHOWS!"

Encouraged, Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race. The donkey came in first and the papers said, "FATHER MURPHY'S A-S UP FRONT!" He entered the animal in yet another race. This time it came in second and the papers read, "FATHER MURPHY'S A-S BACK IN PLACE!".

The archbishop heard of the priest's activities and decided the church didn't approve of gambling.

He ordered Father Murphy

2007-01-06 03:56:31 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on

2007-01-06 03:55:11 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Bill turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Bill got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your butt!

2007-01-06 03:50:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

2007-01-06 03:45:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?How is your connection with God?"And the man says, "Oh me and God?We're tight.We have a real bond, he's good to me.Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves.

Is this true?"And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

2007-01-06 03:32:33 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear that they found a species of gay dinosaurs,the male they called "megasaurass" and the girl they called it "lickalottapus"

2007-01-06 03:11:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. The fortune teller gazed into her crystal ball and said, "I see you are the father of two children." The man laughed, "That's what you think! I'm the father of three children!" The fortune teller laughed back, "That's what YOU think!"

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A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked he husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" The husband replied, "Not at all dear! Our house isn't blue!"

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find husband stalking around with a fly swatter. She asked, "What in the world are you doing?" He answered, "Hunting flies!" "Oh! Killing any?" she asked. He replied, "Yep! Three males and two females!" Intrigued, the wife asked, "How can you tell?" The man responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"

2007-01-06 02:44:37 · 16 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

What do you call the surgery that makes a woman a man?...........................an addadictome

2007-01-06 02:43:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

On New Year's Eve God looked down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out. The angel returned and told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth. 95% is bad and only 5% is good." God thought for a moment and decided to send down a second angel to get another point of view. When the second angel returned, the angel said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and only 5% is good." God said this was not good. God decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them in the new year and keep them going down the right path. Do you know what that e-mail said? What?! You didn't get one either?!

2007-01-06 02:40:30 · 9 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Viagra was stolen from our local pharmacy.
Police are looking for an hardened criminal!

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the legs for Thanksgiving dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer finally believed that he had created the perfect Thanksgiving turkey. Excited with his new, miracle turkey, the farmer ran into the house to tell his wife the good news. "Honey, I finally did it! I bred the perfect Thanksgiving turkey! This turkey has 6 legs!" The farmer's wife replied, "That's great! Does it taste the same as normal turkeys?!" The farmer scratched his head and answered, "I don't rightly know. I never could catch the dang thing!"

2007-01-06 02:38:52 · 5 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her
new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

2007-01-06 02:37:39 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

aliens.....look at the eyes, dead give away eh ?

2007-01-06 02:36:52 · 29 answers · asked by Shredder 6

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question
time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the f*#k happened to Billy?"

2007-01-06 02:36:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

He had a record player? Most people dont get it. record player not funny neither are English jokes///

2007-01-06 02:35:51 · 7 answers · asked by WD 1

1) Yo momma so poor that she can't afford to live.
2) Yo momma so fat that she weight herself, the scale said to be continue.
3) Yo momma so ugly that she was the wife of the boogyman and boogyman divorce her for being way too ugly.
4) Yo momma so stupid that she said YMCA spelled MACY.

2007-01-06 02:29:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am different colours but I am see-through... I am jelly... what am I?

2007-01-06 02:29:47 · 19 answers · asked by monkeynuts 5

i went to the pictures 2morrow, took a front seat at the back, a woman gave me some chocolates, i ate them and gave them her back,i fell from the ground to the balcony ,broke a front bone in my back,thats that i swore ide never go back.{ i heard a wee boy saying this to his mum on the bus}lol

2007-01-06 02:25:52 · 15 answers · asked by LYNDA M 5

A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging." The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?" The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete." "What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked. The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes." The cowboy said, &"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" The bartender said, "Rustling!"

2007-01-06 02:25:21 · 9 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

My boy friend gave me a stuffed pig.I showed it to my brother and his friends. My brother said Patty pig squeel or no squeel.His friends all laughed. Sorry I don't get it.

2007-01-06 02:24:54 · 10 answers · asked by lucyp1958 2

in a public transport bus a girl give her number 2472742 to a boy.that guy ask her name and she replied the number contains the name in it.
whats the name of the girl?

2007-01-06 02:13:23 · 8 answers · asked by viper 2

10 pts to whoever leaves me the best Chuck Norris joke.

2007-01-06 02:09:19 · 3 answers · asked by just nate 4

2007-01-06 02:04:11 · 8 answers · asked by Yankee 2

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank.
The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.

They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.

The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?"

"Yes!" replied the second blonde.

So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.

Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned.
The first blonde gets very nervous.

Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.

"No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"

2007-01-06 01:56:32 · 6 answers · asked by Sultan Cartman 5

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"

2007-01-06 01:46:22 · 13 answers · asked by Sultan Cartman 5

My favorite: 2 members of Parliement were arguing. Finally one said to his opponent: " You, sir, will die of a pox on the gallows!" The opponent replied:
"That depends, sir, on whether I first embrace your mistress or your principles."

2007-01-06 01:40:57 · 6 answers · asked by Mad Roy 6

I don't think that there can be an answer to this question. One answer once given was pure logic, but I didnt buy that as an answer.

2007-01-06 01:35:39 · 7 answers · asked by DocTonic 1

2007-01-06 01:33:13 · 12 answers · asked by pete 1

IN THE BASEMENT THERE ARE THREE LIGHT SWITCHES IN THE OFF POSITION.EACH SWITCH CONTROLS ONE OF THREE BULBS ON THE GROUND FLOOR. U MAY MOVE ANY OF THE SWITCHES BUT U MAY ONLY GO UPSTAIRS FOR ONE TIME.
HOW CAN U DETERMINE THAT WHICH SWITCH CONTROL EACH LIGHT BULB?

2007-01-06 01:32:21 · 6 answers · asked by viper 2