Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-06 06:34:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The owner of a business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

2007-01-06 06:33:38 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

2007-01-06 06:29:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I go into a hardware store and ask the assisstant how much an item is. He says they are 50 pence each. I say, ' great ', I'll have 12 please. We make the transaction but he only charges me 1 pound. What have I bought?

2007-01-06 06:25:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are out camping. Suddenly, the blonde has to poo, so she goes out into the woods with some toilet paper to do her business. Then the brunette and redhead decide to pull a prank on her. They skin a rabbit and decide to sneak up behind the blonde and put its guts beneath her as she's going and see what happens.

So they do so, and after a while after returning to the campsite they hear the blonde scream. She comes back a while later and the brunette and redhead innocently ask what the matter was.

"Well, I pooped so hard that my guts fell out!" the blonde said. The brunette and redhead were about to burst out laughing when the blonde says, "But thanks to God and these two fingers, I shoved them back in."

2007-01-06 06:23:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

you will never guess wot i have just seen.

2 deaf lesbians walking down the road wiv their hands in each others knickers.

Do u think they were lip reading?

2007-01-06 06:22:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

WhenI have written all possible numbers that could go in each square and then I eliminate what does not, I am able to come up with some definate numbers that go in a paticular box but I am still left with boxes that have more that one number that could go there. I check my answers of the ones I am certian of and I am right. but I still have multiple # possiblilties left in boxes. It seems then that the only thing to do is guess, which you're not supposed to do. so what other Logic is there to solving a puzzle?

2007-01-06 06:22:13 · 10 answers · asked by 2ndcorth417/18 1

2007-01-06 06:05:47 · 11 answers · asked by allie m 1

2007-01-06 06:03:12 · 16 answers · asked by roger k 3

It was in the dark sky,
Just her and I.
I knew what she wanted;
I tried my best.
So then I placed my hand on her breast.
It was then I knew what she wanted to do.
She spread her legs,
I felt no shame.
Because then the white stuff,
Slowly came.
So it's done now;
My first time,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Milking a cow!

2007-01-06 06:03:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-06 06:01:17 · 14 answers · asked by allie m 1

A blonde was asked the question" If you were in a room with no windows and doors and all you had was a popscicle stick how would you get out of the room? The blonde answered well I would break the popsicle stick in half, two half's make a hole so I would crawl out the hole.

2007-01-06 05:51:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

2007-01-06 05:47:17 · 12 answers · asked by me here, where are you? 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_ARBWKpfA4&mode=related&search=

2007-01-06 05:47:03 · 35 answers · asked by bex 4

2007-01-06 05:36:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

HELP!!! I need a really funyy joke within 2 hours, try to keep 'em clean and not re!!csist

2007-01-06 05:35:10 · 11 answers · asked by JerxCore 2

A fat guy sees a weight loss clinic with the sign reading "Guaranteed weight loss in three days”… so he goes in and pays $500. He's taken to a large room with a running track and there stands this really hot babe.

The clinic guy says "It's real simple, see the track? See the babe? If you can catch her, then she’s all yours for the night!" So the guy goes round n' round all day until he was exhausted & gave up. "I'll come back tomorrow".

So the next day he pays $1,000 & gets a babe to chase that’s even hotter than the one before. "Same deal dude, if you can catch her, she’s all yours". So around & around they go & the guy still can't catch her. "I'll come back tomorrow".

On the last day he pays $2,000 & tells the clinic guy. "Your sign said 'Guaranteed weight loss in three days, so today better be good!" He goes into the same room but today he find this huge guy who's an escaped convict.

The fat guy asks "Are you here to loose weight as well?" The convict looks over to him and says “Yeah, and if I catch you I'm gonna F@#K the **** outta you!!!”

2007-01-06 05:28:31 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

I tell my wife: "You should love me more."
She says "I do."

What would you say to that???

2007-01-06 05:25:55 · 5 answers · asked by SoCalSkierGuy 4

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any ar

2007-01-06 05:23:53 · 9 answers · asked by me here, where are you? 3

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

2007-01-06 05:11:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a brunett, a redhead and and blonde who were all taking an extreme lie detector test. If you lied the machine would kill u.
The brunett got into it and said "I think im the prettiest girl in the world"
And then the lie detector blew her up.

So the redhead got on it and said "I think i am the prettiest girl in the universe"
And she was also blown up.

Finally the blonde stepped up and said "I think..."
and she was blown up

2007-01-06 04:53:16 · 12 answers · asked by Toto! 3

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. She is wearing a firefighter's helmet and the wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer
look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Say sweetheart", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too,think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right...but then I wouldn't have a siren."

2007-01-06 04:52:13 · 9 answers · asked by FaerieWhings 7

An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to solicit
His help in reviving her husband's flagging libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not to fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"

"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He
Won't even taste it," replied the doctor. "Give it a try and call me in
a week to let me know how things went."

Not even a week had gone by before she called the doctor, who
Directly inquired as to the progress of the experiment.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
Horrid, just too terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra into his morning
Coffee and it took effect almost immediately. He jumped hisself
Straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging
Proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and table-
Cloth a-flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
There, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the table-
Top! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to say the sex
Your husband gave you wasn't any good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex
I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here before you,
I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

2007-01-06 04:51:31 · 6 answers · asked by Papa 7

u can give many name but of girl only

2007-01-06 04:36:54 · 17 answers · asked by Amber J 1

gets stopped by a guy,have you got the time mate he asks. yes i have,its 6mins past 10,and wrap up warm cos its going to get chilly @11.05 due to a northerly breeze! hey are you takin the p**s. no iam not its a prototype watch ive invented he says! ok then smart a**e iam going away next week to ibiza what will the weather be like at 10.00 when i land? well it ll be 90 degrees at 11.00 dont forget the time difference which is an hour, you will land 10mins early due to a tail wind,slightly cloudy but will be glorious later? blumming heck do u want to sell that? no its a prototype,i told you? look i ll give u £600.00 cash, now, come on? ok he says and gives him the watch? the man takes it ,cheers he says? the man shows him how to work it one more time,but the mans eager to show his mates,see ya he says? hang on mate the bloke shouts after him,,,DONT YOU WANT THE BATTERIES (come on think about it )

2007-01-06 04:34:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun."Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.""Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?""In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog."

2007-01-06 04:31:21 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2007-01-06 04:28:35 · 15 answers · asked by a 1

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

2007-01-06 04:26:47 · 12 answers · asked by a 1

2007-01-06 04:12:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

little Johnny at school.Teacher asked what does Father do for a living. 1st boy says " Miss my Dad is a fireman"..wonderful
2nd boy. " Miss my Dad is a train driver. excellent..
Little Johnny...My Dad miss is a pole Dancer. He works at the local strip joint and he is gay...He dances for money and then goes off and sleeps with the male customers. He takes drugs and drinks too.

The teacher is quite aghast at this and pulls Johnny to one side after the lesson has ended.
Johnny she said "that was very brave of you to stand up and tell the class what your dad does.How embarresing for you"

"But Miss he isn't really gay nor a dancer, he is a cricketer and he plays for England but i was too embarresed to say so..

2007-01-06 04:03:35 · 21 answers · asked by chris w. 7