Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A little old lady
wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local
biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker
club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet
certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the
biker asked her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady
said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley
parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you
smoke?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke
four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting
pool."

The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you
ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady said,
"No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung
around by my nipples a few times."

2007-01-06 08:41:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-06 08:39:16 · 5 answers · asked by Teenage Dirtbag 1

My 3 yr old and I were talking about the true meaning of christmas and he looked all confused. What's up? I asked....

Who made the baby cheese's?
(jesus)

Priceless - any toddler gem's out there?

2007-01-06 08:39:10 · 18 answers · asked by The Wandering Blade 4

nobody tells me any thing........

2007-01-06 08:37:55 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price.

The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer intrigued by such a bizarre request he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable."

The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home"

2007-01-06 08:35:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says "I've never seen anyone down shots that quickly!"

The man stops for a second."Well you would if you have what I have!" he says.
"Gosh, What do you have?" Asked the bartender.
"50 cents!!"

2007-01-06 08:26:20 · 12 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

2007-01-06 07:57:08 · 6 answers · asked by B-MAN 1

2007-01-06 07:55:26 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 9 horse stalls and 10 horses. How do you put 10 horses in the 9 stalls without putting 2 horses in 1 stall?

2007-01-06 07:48:29 · 18 answers · asked by ♥ღ♥Jeanene♥ღ♥ 6

This may look weird, but, believe it or not you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

2007-01-06 07:47:16 · 46 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

ooops it wasnt wind, catch use in 5 :(

2007-01-06 07:44:58 · 11 answers · asked by john m 1

2007-01-06 07:38:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

its going 2 cost u and arm and a leg !

2007-01-06 07:25:12 · 14 answers · asked by the man 1

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.



So................



They buried her.

2007-01-06 07:24:11 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...

...WOMEN!

2007-01-06 07:23:33 · 12 answers · asked by Tink 5

If you kiss him, you are easy
If you don't, you are frigid
If you praise him, he thinks you are fake
If you don't, he thinks you are ungrateful
If you agree to all his likes, you are submissive
If you don't, you are controling
If you visit him often, he thinks you're desperate
If you don't, he thinks you're not interested
If you are well dressed, he says you are vain
If you don't, you are a dog
If you are jealous, he say's you're possessive
If you're not, then he fools around
If you attempt a romance, he say's you are cheap
If you don't, he thinks you are cold
If you are a minute late, he says you are fussy
If he is late, he says you're impatient
If you visit another man, you are fooling around
If he is visited by another woman, "oh we're just friends"
If you kiss him once in a while, he says you're too shy
If you kiss him often, he says you're too forward
If he fails to help you in crossing the street, he brings up the feminist movement
If he does, he expects to be rewarded
If you stare at another woman, he says you're jealous
If he is stared by other men, boy, you're in big trouble..
If you talk, it's always too much
If you listen, it's never enough

In short:

So complex, yet so predictable
So macho, yet so sensitive (usually to their own feelings)
So confusing, yet so funny
but most of all,
So irritating, yet so irresistible

...MEN!

2007-01-06 07:22:12 · 17 answers · asked by Tink 5

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her They believed she practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
He had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig."

"I had her buried upside down......."

2007-01-06 07:13:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Osama bin Laden must have been popular with the al-Qaeda terrorists. Yeah, he was "Da Bomb."

2007-01-06 07:12:29 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are several chickens and rabbits in a cage . There are 72 heads and 200 feet inside the cage. How many chickens are there, and how many rabbits?

2007-01-06 07:09:17 · 14 answers · asked by Not Normal Girl 2

Divine Intervention



Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"

2007-01-06 07:02:17 · 20 answers · asked by Tink 5

who else is feeling peed off today ?

2007-01-06 06:58:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

for bird flu???? shes started cooking our chickens in lemsip?

2007-01-06 06:58:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

you are able to save but one life. husband , daughter , son , mom , dad. so who do you save?

2007-01-06 06:56:20 · 9 answers · asked by queequeg 1

A Blonde police officer was driving down a road along a field when she looked out and saw another blonde in the middle of the field in a row boat, rowing away. She pulled over, got out of the car and walked to the edge of the field to yell to the other woman:

"You know, it's people like you who give us blondes a bad name. What's wrong with you? Anybody driving by can see you. If I weren't blonde, I'd arrest you myself! Put your life jacket on!!"

2007-01-06 06:54:19 · 9 answers · asked by Just tryin' to help 6

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

2007-01-06 06:54:11 · 21 answers · asked by a 1

Tony Blair is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
>
> "Tony, John Prescott here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is
> an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in
> Sheffield has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire
> British supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
>
> "Christ John - the economy will never be able to cope with all those
> unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!"
>
> "We're going to have to ship some in from abroad...America?"
>
> "No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!"
>
> "What about Ireland?"
>
> "Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we are stuck.
> You call Bertie Ahern - tell him we need one million condoms;
>
>
> coloured red, white and blue; twelve inches long and eight inches thick!
>
>
> That way he'll know how big the brits really are!!"
>
> John calls Bertie, who agrees to help the Brits out in their hour of
> need.
>
> Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street - full of boxes.
>
> A delighted Tony rushes out to open the boxes.
> He finds condoms; 12inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured red, white
> or blue.
>
> He then notices in small writing on each and every one:-
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> MADE IN IRELAND - SIZE: MEDIUM

2007-01-06 06:54:10 · 9 answers · asked by Tink 5

I'm tired of using tart cart, roach coach and loser cruiser.

2007-01-06 06:50:32 · 5 answers · asked by Julie 2

Will you eventualy disapear up your own black hole.

2007-01-06 06:46:32 · 10 answers · asked by Hi T 7

Several people were on a city bus. The driver is driving through the city, and no one is making a sound. Then, suddenly, an old woman jumps up and runs to the front of the bus.

"I want off this bus!" she tells the driver. "There is a pervert back there bothering people!"

The driver stops the bus and opens the door for the elderly lady. She storms off the bus. He then looks up in his mirror. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, he decides that she was just an old cook and continues driving.

Several minutes later, another elderly lady jumps up out of her seat, runs up to the front of the bus, and says to the driver, "I want off this bus. There is a pervert back there bothering people!" The bus driver opens the door. She tears out of the bus.

This time, he decides to check things out. (to be continued...running out of space)

2007-01-06 06:43:43 · 17 answers · asked by I'm Still Here 5

Frank and John had been friends for many years and had started their own business together. They shared everything. When their secretary became pregnant, it was discovered that the business partners had really shared everything, and the secretary did not know which partner was the father. Frank and John decided to share the child equally. They would both pay half of the child's upbringing, and the child would not want for anything. When the secretary went into labour, both Frank and John rushed her to the hospital. They both paced the floor anxiously awaiting the arrival of the child they would split the financial costs of upbringing on. John got too nervous and decided he'd go down to the visitor's lobby and asked Frank to come down and tell him when their child was born. Within an hour, Frank was down in the lobby. John could see from Frank's grave expression that something was wrong. "Frank, what is it? What's wrong?" Frank looked at John and replied, "We had twins, and mine died."

2007-01-06 06:42:28 · 26 answers · asked by Cowboy 4