Always Laughing,can you or anyone tell me a good joke with,"a pub"in it?

Answer 1

A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."

One night a man was drinking in a bar and he had to go to the bathroom.
While he was going, he noticed that there were three black men next to him at the urinals. He happened to look down and was shocked to see that one of the men had a white penis. He quickly finished and went back to the bar.
He told the bartender that he had just seen the strangest thing when he was in the bathroom. The bartender asked him what he saw.
"Well, while I was taking a leak, I looked over and next to me were three black guys and one of them had a white dick!" he said.
"Oh, those weren't black men," the bartender said, "they are all coal miners and apparently one of them went home for lunch."


A man walks into a pub with a giraffe on a lead. "I'll have a pint of Guinness" says the man "and ten pints for the giraffe". The man then starts to down his pint in one go. The giraffe, seeing this, starts banging down the ten pints like there was no tomorrow. The race is on! The man gets half way down and the Giraffe's only on number four. Then, with an amazing burst of speed, the giraffe just manages to scrape ahead. But on pint number ten the giraffe gets half-way, then falls off the bar stool, and passes out on the floor. The man promptly finishes his pint and starts to leave. "Hey," says the barman "you can't leave that lyin' there!" Says the man: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Answer 2

A man walks into a pub and orders 3 beers. The barman serves him and the man (Lets call him Paul) walks to a table in the corner and sits down with his 3 beers.
The barman watched Paul as he drinks a mouthful out of each glass in turn. He does this until all 3 glasses are empty, and then leaves.
The next night Paul comes back to the bar, again orders 3 beers and drinks them in the corner by himself and then leaves. He comes back every night that week and does the same thing.
After 7 nights the barman finally says "You know a pint goes flat after I draw it it would taste better if you bought one at a time"
" Well" Paul says " I have 2 brothers, 1 who lives in Australia and 1 who lives in America. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together" The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
Paul becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way; he orders 3 pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders 2 pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
The bartender decides to go over to Paul, as he is drinking his beers, and says "I dont want to intrude on your grief, but i wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss"
Paul looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh no" he says "Everyones fine. I've just quit drinking".

Answer 3

A snail slides into a pub and says to the landlord "Sir, a pint of your very best beer please"
The landlord picks up the snail walks to the door and throws him over a wall into a field
Two weeks later the snail slides back into the pub and says to the landlord "what did you do that for"

Answer 4

A blind guy walks into a pub,sits and orders a whiskey.When the waitress brings him the drink,he asks her "Would you like to hear a joke about blondes?".
The waitress says "before you go any further,I must tell you that the barwoman is blond and has black belt in karate and I'm blonde and I always carry a gun with me!Now,do you feel like telling that joke?"
The guy answers "Hell no,I'd have to explain the joke twice!"

Answer 5

Horse goes into a pub. The Barman says "Why the long face?"

A Jobby and a Brain go into the pub, the Brain goes to the bar and asks for two pints of lager. The Barman says "Sorry i'm not serving you cause your out your head and your mate's steaming"

A skeleton goes into a pub and says "Can I have a pint of lager and a mop please?"

Answer 6

A man goes into a pub and asks the landlord if he is a betting man. "I am that " he replied, "why?" Well said the man , " I bet you two pints that my p*ick Is longer than that cats tail " he said pointing at the landlords Cat. "Okay", said the landlord, "i'll get a tape measure" he came back and measured the cats tail."its 11 inches" he said, I am afraid you lost mate"."Hang on", said the man, "Where did you measure his tail from2. "Well, from His ar*e of course."said the landlord. "Well measure mine the same, and give me my 2 pints" smiled the man.

Answer 7

a ham sandwich walks into a PUB, the bar man says sorry we dont serve food here

Answer 8

two pieces of string outside a pub one says go and see if you can get served, so one peice walks in and asks for a pint of larger, the land lord says i cant serve you your a peice of string. so the peice of string walks out the pub lip on floor,so the other peice of string says i will get served he ties himself into a knot and rubs himself against the pub brickwork then walk in the pub and says can i have a pint of larger please,the land lord said i cant serve you your a peice of string, the peice of string replied ime afraid not,

Answer 9

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O' Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you' ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O' Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

' Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

Answer 10

a man walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie on his head, and asks the landlord for a pint.

"No problem, sir!", replies the landlord, "But why do you have a meat and potato pie on top of your head?".

"Well...", replies the man, "I always wear a meat and potato pie on top of my head on a Wednesday".

"But it's only Tuesday!", says the landlord.

"Oh dear!", exclaims the man, looking rather red-faced, "I must look like a right idiot!".