Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

One day while Osama Bin Laden is in hiding a polar bear comes into his cave and devours him.
He starts to go up and as he is walking towards the pearly gates George Washington comes along and whacks him across the face and shouts 'How dare you destroy the country that i helped concieve'
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted 'You wanted to end our liberties but you failed'
James Madison then came along and kicked him in the groin and made another such comment.
69 other such incidents happened and Osama was really getting a bit p****d off by now and he screams out.
'This was not what i was promised!'
To which a heavenly voice replied,
'What did you think I said I told you that there would be 72 virginians waiting for you'

2007-01-30 08:42:17 · 14 answers · asked by johua91 1

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up
my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

2007-01-30 08:40:24 · 38 answers · asked by Chrisssy 2

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child
benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S
READY,or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

2007-01-30 08:39:35 · 15 answers · asked by Chrisssy 2

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

2007-01-30 08:33:25 · 25 answers · asked by Tink 5

A rabbi and a guy are traveling together. The guy says to the rabbi, "I have a question to ask you. Why does everyone think Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"

The rabbi, who is not up for an argument, says, "I'm sorry, but I am just a simple rabbi! I'm not qualified to participate in such a discussion."

The guy insists. "I have a theory and I need to test it. Here is my proposal: I'll pay you $100 if you can ask me a question that I can't answer. But if I can ask you a question that you can't answer, you must pay me $100."

The rabbi replies, "But I'm just a poor rabbi! I only have $10 on me."

The guy hesitates, then says, "OK, it's my $100 against your $10." The rabbi finally agrees, stipulating only that he be permitted to ask the first question. The guy agrees.

"OK," says the rabbi, "What animal has scaly skin, the body of a cat, the face of a squirrel, the ears of a mouse, webbed toes, and swims under water?"

Surprised, the guy admits that he doesn't know. He asks the rabbi for a few more minutes to think about it. The rabbi agrees. Two minutes later, the guy takes $100 from his wallet and gives it to the rabbi.

The guy then asks the rabbi, "So what animal was it?"

The rabbi replies, "How should I know?" and gives the guy $10.

2007-01-30 08:27:25 · 11 answers · asked by Tink 5

vegetarian with diaherea?

2007-01-30 08:22:31 · 8 answers · asked by ghostguff3 2

A stitch in time saves nine what?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright

Are female moths called myths?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Are there a lot of virgins in the Virgin Islands?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can a stupid person be a smart-***?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

2007-01-30 08:21:36 · 2 answers · asked by Tink 5

A man enters a chemist, and asks the male pharmacist for a preservative, explaining that he has a dinner in the house of his girlfriend, and that he may get “some action”.
Then he thinks it better, and asks for an other preservative explaining that his girlfriend has a sister that is fine and a bit vulnerable, so “he may get more action”.
About to leave, he returns and asks for a third preservative, explaining that his future mother in law is even better looking than both her daughters and that he may get “even more action”.

While in the girlfriend’s house, having dinner, she tells him: Raul I did not know you were so shy and quite.
Raul replies: I didn’t know you father was a pharmacist

2007-01-30 08:17:53 · 11 answers · asked by lokito 2

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
EVE: 'You're running around with other women.'
ADAM: 'You're being unreasonable. You're the only woman on earth.'

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.

ADAM: 'What do you think you're doing?'
EVE: 'Counting your ribs.'

2007-01-30 08:16:49 · 16 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer

'Certainly, sir that'll be 1 penny.' 'ONE PENNY!' exclaimed the guy; the barman replied 'Yes.'

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, 'Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak,
with chips, peas, and a fried egg?'

'Certainly sir, 'replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.'

'How much money?' inquires the guy. '4 pence', he replies. 'FOUR PENCE!!!!' exclaims the guy.

'Where's the Guy who owns this place?'

The barman replies, 'Upstairs with my wife.' The guy says, 'What's he doing with your wife?'

The bartender replies, 'Same as what I'm doing to his business.'

2007-01-30 08:15:00 · 13 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A blonde woman got on to a plane and went straight over to first calss and sat down even though her ticket was for economy.
Some stewardesses come along and ask her very politely if she would kindly move towards the back of the plane, to ehich the blonde replied
'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to LA and I'm sitting in this seat.'
and she refused to move.
They called over an Air marshall and he tried and again the blonde answered
'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to LA and I'm sitting in this seat.'
and once again refused to move.
Eventually they went to the captain and explained to him the situation. The captain says that he will try to speak with her. They tell him that whatever he says he will not be able to make her move. The captain just smiles.
He goes over to her and whispers something into her ear, she politely gets up and moves straight to the back of the plane.
Everyone was amazed and they asked him what he had said
'I said first class wasnt going to LA'

2007-01-30 08:13:28 · 25 answers · asked by johua91 1

Paddy and Murphy are strolling through the jungle by a riverbank when they spy a crocodile with a man's head protruding from its jaws.
Paddy turns to Murphy and says, "Would you look at that flash tw-t in his Lacoste sleeping bag."

2007-01-30 08:11:55 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did You Miss Me?


Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, "Did you miss me?"

I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."

2007-01-30 08:06:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am asking because it was not meant for that at all! I do apologize if anyone got offended by a lil joke, I was not being racists, so if anyone did get offended I am sorry. This was about the Joke I last posted on here, for those who Laughed about it I Thank You, Those who got mad about it Sorry, and for those who said I was being racists well that's you're opinion and I thank you for it as well as sorry. I will get more You can bet on that. Everyone is racists they just keep it to them selves!!! Sad but true!! at least in my experiences

2007-01-30 08:05:50 · 4 answers · asked by Kimberly 1

Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter?

Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month!!

Then whats so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!!

No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...

2007-01-30 08:00:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

big fellow, little fellow,, walking down the road,, big fellow said to the little fellow,, i think you have sh?t yourself,, i have not said the little fellow,you have said the big fellow, drop your pants, what? said the little fellow,drop your pants, and sure enough there was sh?t all down his legs ,and up his back,there i told you ,and the little fellow said I THOUGHT YOU MEANT TODAY??wicked or what??

2007-01-30 07:59:07 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-30 07:57:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. 'Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.'

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, 'Have you been fooling around on me?'

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, 'Not this time.'

2007-01-30 07:51:48 · 14 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

2007-01-30 07:48:26 · 7 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his p***s into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. ‘Whats wrong, Bill?’ she asked.

‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p***s into the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh, Bill, you didnt.’

‘Yes, I did.’

My God, Bill, what happened?’

‘I got fired.’

‘No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh, she got fired too.’

2007-01-30 07:45:42 · 13 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

2007-01-30 07:42:18 · 4 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

there r 3 nuns' and holy water. the frist one goes up 2 the priest and says "im sorry father i drew on myself" father: "go drink from the holy water" the 2nd nun says "im sorry father i went 2 a bar"
father: go drink from the holy water" the 3rd nun comes and says "im sorry father i pee-ed in the holy water "

2007-01-30 07:41:50 · 2 answers · asked by m.j h 3

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT.......

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realise that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it. :)

2007-01-30 07:40:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need to unscramble this word but can't figure it it out. It's suppose to be in one of four categories: city, animal, person or state.

flian croia

2007-01-30 07:40:34 · 9 answers · asked by bookworm1885 2

Personal Hygiene



1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days; however, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

4. Make sure to check to see if you need to change your underwear in the morning, if you think you may have wet-farted just before going to bed the previous night.

5. Chewing tobacco should not be put on the bedstand to be re-used in the morning.



Dating (Outside the Family)



1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday", if the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

5. Make sure your wife and your girlfrend are not close relatives, this may be impossible in really small towns, so proceed with caution.



Weddings



1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.



Driving Etiquette



1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right-of-way.

3. Never tow another vehicle using pantyhose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer, beef jerky is O.K. if you share it with her.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.



TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:

1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.

2007-01-30 07:40:03 · 6 answers · asked by riah 1

18 into 54



A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise
happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not
be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year
old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting
for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy.

Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into
54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.

Your Wife

2007-01-30 07:39:28 · 23 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A cowboy walked into a haircut shop, sat on the chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to shave his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, why don’t we go and spend some time in a hotel room?”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”

The cowboy said, “Tell him you're working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

2007-01-30 07:37:06 · 6 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

A young woman goes to confession and says to the
priest:'Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. Last night
my lover made mad, passionate love to me seven times'

The priest thinks long and hard and then says: 'Take seven
lemons, squeeze them into a glass and then drink the
juice.'

The young woman asked: 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'

'No', replies the priest, 'but it will wipe that
smile off your face.'

2007-01-30 07:32:54 · 14 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

a guy goes on a date with his girlfriend drops her off at her house at 9:00 and comes home at 9:30 he goes up stairs and brushes his teeth, turns off his lights and goes to bed, the next morning he gets arressed for murdur. y?

2007-01-30 07:31:44 · 6 answers · asked by m.j h 3

i have just got started and am wondering about and cant see anything or anyone one.....if you know how to use this site....PLS PLS HELP!!

2007-01-30 07:29:55 · 9 answers · asked by jo 1