Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

what comes but doesnt come?


***its not of a sexual nature.. serious answers only please! thanks!***

2007-01-30 05:48:26 · 7 answers · asked by yourmygoodfeeling 3

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

2007-01-30 05:48:01 · 17 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Which one hits on others the most while drinking? None-it's a blacks/straight bar, so Obama can't find anyone, it's also straight bar, so Hillary is lonely. So after all is said and done...The monkey gets lucky...
And a bonus...The monkey could run the country better, too...

Anyone got any good jokes?

2007-01-30 05:45:03 · 6 answers · asked by djdjr01 3

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbour is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?".

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?".

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day.
But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

2007-01-30 05:40:49 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

IF YOU DON"T LIKE THE QUESTION< DON"T ANSWER THIS.

2007-01-30 05:40:05 · 3 answers · asked by sharpneedleinahaystack 1

A passenger touches the taxi drivers shoulder to ask him something; The taxi driver screams and losses control of the car, nearly crashes with a lorry, drives through the pavement and crashes into a glass shop.

There is no noice in the taxi for a moment, untill the taxi driver says: look my friend, never ever do that again, you nearly scare me to death.

the passenger says: sorry, I didn't think you would get so frighten when I touched your shoulder.

taxi driver: the thing is, that it is my first day working as a taxi driver.

passenger: so, what did you do before?

driver: I was a Mortuary shouffer

2007-01-30 05:36:01 · 22 answers · asked by lokito 2

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

"Grandma, what happened to the kitten?"
"It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead."

"Where does a kitten go when it dies?"
"God takes the kitten to heaven."

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, "But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?"

2007-01-30 05:30:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

hi im susan and want to great you and help you so if you want to know somthing im the kid do ask i would like you to ask for me and put it in pets, entertainment and music>jokes and riddles or relationships>friends pliz thank you.
what you up to hehe??

just here to elp

2007-01-30 05:27:34 · 14 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

EXPLAIN:

Bror learned how to solve division problems in his lesson today. Did he solve this problem correctly?

☺ 1019/35= 28 R39 (Bror's answer)

Now I know that he was wrong, I just dont know why.

2007-01-30 05:26:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has quite a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but he does not use it.
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
Nuns do not need one

Tell me what is it. No its not wat u are thinking ;-)

2007-01-30 05:26:07 · 27 answers · asked by sonu 3

This is annoying, it happens everywhere. I know only a few girls do it but still. What is a good reson to put a foot at the back of your tennis shoes and press until your foot comes half out or all the way and then you sit there. To me there is no reson to do this. You shouldnt do this because its not proper and not classy and shoes should be kept on in public. Sandals with back straps also, slipping the straps off your heels. But strap less shoes then, or dont do it at all

2007-01-30 05:16:32 · 23 answers · asked by crossfire666666 1

powerfully-built guy who met a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

2007-01-30 05:12:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

dont TRY HARD to find out, i know who he is. Just wanna know how many people know him.

2007-01-30 05:06:30 · 11 answers · asked by sonu 3

2007-01-30 05:02:39 · 6 answers · asked by zonapericolosa1 1

1. You can GET Chocolate.
2. “If you Love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with Chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when It has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate Even in front of you Mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called names.
9. The word ‘Commitment’ doesn’t scare off your chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work-mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
15. Good chocolate is easy to find.
16. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
17. You are never too young or too old to have chocolate.
18. When you have chocolate it doesn’t keep the neighbors awake.
19. With chocolate, size doesn’t matter, it’s always good.
20. You don’t have to beg to get chocolate.
21. You can have chocolate with little kids without being sent to jail.
22. Chocolate doesn’t keep you awake yapping after you’ve had it.
23. You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk ok on Monday morning.
24. It’s easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
25. When chocolate melts all over your hands its nice to lick it of

2007-01-30 04:53:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things Men Know About Women

1. ———-
2. ———
3. ———
4. ———
5. ———
6. ———
7. ———
8. ———
9. ———
10. THEY HAVE BOOBS.

2007-01-30 04:50:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

>
>The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
>surrogate father to start their family.
>On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
>goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
>
>
>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
>happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
>
>"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
>
>
>"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
>expecting you."
>
>"Have you really? "said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
>Did you know babies are my specialty?"
>
>"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
>seat" ;After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
>
>"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
>couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
>floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
>
>"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
>me!"
>
>"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
>try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
>I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>
>"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
>and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
>
>"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
>baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
>
>"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
>"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her
>mother was so difficult to work with."
>
>"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>
>"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
>job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
>good look."
>
>"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>
>"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too.
>The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
>concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
>Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
>to pack it all in."
>
>Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um
>. . equipment?"
>
>"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
>we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use
>a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
>very long."
>
>Mrs. Smith fainted.

2007-01-30 04:46:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

2007-01-30 04:30:14 · 29 answers · asked by Flying Scotsman 2

2007-01-30 04:25:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st
grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think
I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...

2007-01-30 04:22:05 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Justice fingers"

2007-01-30 04:13:06 · 15 answers · asked by ? 5

Police arrested two youths 1 for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks?? They charged one and let the other one off......

2007-01-30 04:10:44 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a hotdog and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the hotdog, and finally the cookie up the guy's a!!. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a hotdog and a cookie up his a!!. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a hotdog and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the hotdog up the patient's a!!. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his a!! and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-30 04:10:42 · 12 answers · asked by Tink 5

Ever try and peel apart a grilled cheese sandwitch?

2007-01-30 04:08:43 · 4 answers · asked by to hot to handle 1

1+1= 3

2007-01-30 04:05:07 · 4 answers · asked by to hot to handle 1

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?" Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door." The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting insane, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's p`ing in the refrigerator again!"

2007-01-30 04:03:46 · 2 answers · asked by Tink 5

face between the thighs of a beautiful woman.....

2007-01-30 03:56:01 · 4 answers · asked by BAM-BAM 1

He says ok i will do ladies first , one old lady says "what's he doing "
the matron said he is setting up his camera.
The photographer then starts to attach the camera to the tripod and the old dear said "What's he doing now "the matron said , he is attaching his camera to the tripod.
He then sets up the flash and the old dear said "what's he doing now" and the matron replied , he is setting up the flash.
the the photographer puts his head under the black cover and the old dear said " what's he doing now " the matron said ,oh he is going to focus and the old dear said " what all of us "

2007-01-30 03:53:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

are my questions appearing or not i cannot see them !!!!!

2007-01-30 03:50:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

.......

2007-01-30 03:50:08 · 7 answers · asked by Ashley D 2