Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

paddy was driving home pi$$ed as a newt, suddenly he swerved to miss a tree, then another and another, a cop pulls him over as he sweres all over the road, and paddy tells him all about the trees the cop says

"for f**ks sake paddy thats your air freashner"

2007-01-30 00:42:28 · 21 answers · asked by Lescaa 3

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.


To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally".


On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, and they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money and it comes to fifty-thousand dollars!


"We've got to give it back," says the husband.


"Finders keepers," she says, and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.


The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money. They show up at the home of the childhood sweethearts. One knocks on the door and the couple open it, he says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"


She says: "No."


The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."


"Don't believe him, he's getting senile," she says.


But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. "Tell us the story from the beginning," says one of the agents.


"Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."


At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner and says:,"We're outta here ..."

2007-01-30 00:39:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old couple went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them £20.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The old couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges £32.00. Hilton Hotel charges £57.00. We do it here for £20.00 and then I get £18.00 back from Bupa for a visit to the doctor’s office.

2007-01-30 00:25:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

2007-01-30 00:17:05 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

Miss Johnson's fourth grade class was about to begin their lesson for the day. Miss Johnson explained, "I am going to call out a letter of the alphabet and call on one of you to give me a word that begins with the letter and then use it in a sentence."
She began with the letter 'A'. Several students in the class raised their hands, including little foul mouthed Joey, who knew a dirty word for just about every letter in the alphabet. She called on Suzy, who said "apple". Miss Johnson said "Very good Suzy, now use it in a sentence." Suzy replied "I brought an apple in with me today for lunch."
"Very good Suzy." Miss Johnson then continued through the alphabet calling on different students. Little Joey was raising his hand every time, but she was reluctant to call on him until she got to the letter 'U'. She couldn't think of any dirty words that began with the letter 'U' so she let Joey have turn. Joey said "urinate." Miss Johnson was beside herself over his word choice. With a lot of reservation she said slowly "OK Joey, use that word in a sentence." He replied, "Urinate, Miss Johnson, but if you had bigger t-ts, you'd be a ten!

2007-01-30 00:07:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share. Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick. The man says "For this trick, David, I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table.” He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her underwear and take her from behind.
David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!" to which the man replies, "I know, but its f--king magic."

2007-01-30 00:01:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

2007-01-29 23:59:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You and your friend go to book shop and buy a book for 50$. You pay 25$ and ur friend pays 25$. When you leave , the shop guy realises that the book was only 45$. So he takes 5$ and comes to your house .... on they way he spends 2$ on transport, the balance is 3$.When he reaches ur place he gives you 1.50 and gives ur friend 1.50.
your Account
you spend 25$
Returned - 1.50
balance - 23.50

Your friends balance too is 23.50$

23.50 + 23.50 = 47$
transport - 2$
total 49$
Where did the 1$ go ???

2007-01-29 23:16:43 · 5 answers · asked by Sam 1

a boy had s3x for the very first time, and he was so excited he ran home and told his mom. his mom was shocked and decided it must be a guy thing, so she told him to go tell his father. so the boy told his dad. at first the dad was a little stunned to, but told his son that he was proud of him and told him he would finally get him that moped he wanted. but he "couldnt get it for another wekk when he got paid" and the son said "thats perfect dad, cause my but still a$$ still hurts from last night!

2007-01-29 23:07:34 · 6 answers · asked by kirby 2

2007-01-29 23:03:51 · 17 answers · asked by kirby 2

what do you think was first chicken or egg.......
simple question but not that simple answer..

2007-01-29 23:01:52 · 15 answers · asked by khanz 3

a a tourist B half an hour of begging.

2007-01-29 22:54:53 · 14 answers · asked by happy chappy 5

crashes and kills everybody on board,when they get to meet there maker he says well i did give you all hard lifes so im going to grant you one wish each before you enter heaven.the first persons says god make me beautiful .so god snaps his fingers and instantly the persons looks change for the better.the second person says the same ,as does every single one of the people who were on the bus .when god gets to the last person standing in line he notices he is rolling around the floor laughing,my you seem happy my son what is your wish before you enter heaven. the man replies make em all ugly again.

2007-01-29 22:53:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Blind Man Cant See It,
A Deaf Man Cant Hear It,
And If You Eat It You Will Die!!!!!! WHAT IT IS ????

2007-01-29 22:51:10 · 17 answers · asked by dumb bunny 2

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

2007-01-29 22:44:47 · 7 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot one of his cows?

"Was it mad?" asks the other farmer.

The farmer replies "Well it wasn't very happy about it".

2007-01-29 22:43:27 · 7 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

2007-01-29 22:42:49 · 9 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...

2007-01-29 22:41:13 · 5 answers · asked by anangelcalled 2

there was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.

"You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

2007-01-29 22:35:15 · 22 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

2007-01-29 22:31:28 · 15 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

2007-01-29 22:31:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

So there is a magic trick were a magician is on stage and he asks the crowd to answer three questions. One name a place, two names a person and three name a object. And just like that he pulls out an envelope out of his pocket and opens it (because its sealed) and low and behold all three things are written nice and big on a large piece of paper.

Now, don’t say because he had people working for him in the audience, because my friend is one of the persons who yelled the place.

ALSO, he takes the first thing people yelled and not the answer he was looking for.

I’m looking for the real answer. Not some dumb one like he had 50 envelopes in his pocket.

2007-01-29 22:28:17 · 2 answers · asked by hkirishmen 1

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.

Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

2007-01-29 22:21:40 · 13 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

a nun working in a condum factory thinking shes making sleepin bags for mice.................. hahahaha have ye got any

2007-01-29 22:21:08 · 9 answers · asked by shane o d 2

as the highway patrolman approached the accident site, he found that the entire side of the BMW had been ripped away, taking with it the driver's arm.

The injured yuppie, a lawyer obviously in shock, kept moaning, "My car, my car," as the officer tried to comfort him.

"Sir," the patrolman said gently, "I think we should be more concerned about your arm than your car."


The driver look down to where his arm should have been, then screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

2007-01-29 22:19:08 · 8 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

Three people are staying at a hotel which costs £30 for the room. They each pay £10 and go up to the room. Shortly after the receptionist realises he has overcharged, the room is only £25. Therefore he sends a maid up with five £1 coins to give to the men. Since £5 cant be split evenly between 3 men, the maid gives £1 coin back to each of them, and keeps the last two for herself.

Now the hard bit! This is a sort of Logic.

If each man only ended up paying £9 (£9 x £3= £27) and the maid has the other £2 (£27+£2=£29), where did a £1 get lost? Its supposed to add up to £30, isn't it?

2007-01-29 22:18:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.

"The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.

"And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2007-01-29 22:14:32 · 12 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

sexual harrassment,
but if a woman talks dirty to a man it's £1.50 p min?

2007-01-29 22:07:42 · 1 answers · asked by crazeeladee no more 5

is ' I do' the longest?

2007-01-29 22:04:29 · 12 answers · asked by crazeeladee no more 5

2007-01-29 21:46:25 · 20 answers · asked by Nabil 1