Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

I am sometime hard to see as I go wizzing by,
and I see the whole world in the blink of an eye,
seen in many colors, known for my change,
don't my bright lights, confuse your brain.
What do you think I am?

2007-01-29 21:45:02 · 8 answers · asked by blacksheep0685 1

Wash Your Hands

Wash your hands said the sign
That hung on the restroom door
But I was in a hurry
And ignored the warning that it told
I ate breakfast, then lunch, and dinner
My mouth felt really strange
And when I went to wash it out
The toothpaste really stung
My gums did ooze a nasty puss
Then all my teeth fell out
I tried to scream but my vocal cords
Simply refused to shout
I went to the doctor
And the doctor said
"I hope you learned your lesson
Cause it sure is nasty to have a germ infestation"
He gave me some antibiotics
It took a year to heal
And to think I could of avoided it all
If I would of took the time
Just to wash my hands

2007-01-29 21:28:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp and Martin Jol are standing before God
whose sitting on his throne at the pearly gates of Heaven. God looks
down at them, and says, "Before granting you a place in heaven, I must
first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Dennis first, he asks "What do you believe, my son?" Dennis
looks God in the eye, and states passionately,"I believe football to be
the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many
people, from the slums of White Hart Lane, to the mansions of Highbury.
I have devoted my life to bring such joy to those people who stand on
the terraces at Highbury..." God wipes a tear from his eye with his
Arsenal shirt, looks up, and offers Dennis a place in heaven, which he
gracefully accepts. He then turns to Jol, "And you, Mr Jol, what do you
believe?" Jol replies "I believe Paul Robinson should be recalled to
the England side, as he's ace" God, turns to Jol and sends him straight
to hell as he has committed the immortal sin of talking bollocks.

Finally, leaving the best until last, he turns to Thierry. "And you, Sir
Thierry, what do you believe" "I believe...", says TH, "you're in my
seat..."

2007-01-29 21:20:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

when you read this where exactly are you located...
what country and county or state............... im in Ireland in Clare

2007-01-29 21:19:23 · 53 answers · asked by shane o d 2

Three boys received poor grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the D+ boy. "I agree. We’ll grab her..." said D-boy. "Yeah," said the F boy. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
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There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole, out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole pokes his head out of the hole and says,
"Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole & says,
"Mmmm, I smell pancakes!”
Baby mole says,
"Come back down already, I smell is molasses."

2007-01-29 20:57:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect;
they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears,
carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears,
but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking,

"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where
they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

" Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says....




"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

2007-01-29 20:56:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 20:54:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You hear Eric Claptons little lad Connor has won an award for the quickest reader in his class? He was doing 7 stories in 5 seconds at one point

2007-01-29 20:53:39 · 15 answers · asked by BaldEagle 1

are they thoroughly enjoyable, here is an example: (in a monotone voice) one chicken said to the other chicken, heh heh heh, you are a talking chicken. then the first chicken said to the other chicken that had previously said something to the chicken that is talking and saying what i am writing, hey, i love dolly parton. -fin

does that make you want to make love to it or what??

2007-01-29 20:20:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 19:54:20 · 8 answers · asked by clint c 1

sorry, i am not really going scuba diving, that was a prank to get you to look at my question, which is this: how come when i was ever-so-gracefully skipping home from my career this fine night, i was interrupted by this man who was trying to teach me the fine art of ballroom dance?? i mean i was going home and it was late and i don't even know who he was, all he said was that he needed a partner for the big dance off at the jehova witness hall, wierd huh?? well he said his name was david h-something, i can't remember. i need help trying to remember, if it helps he was driving a distictive car, it was a black trans am that kept saying from a blinking red laser on the hood, "david, how come you didn't ask me to dance with you, what, you don't think i can dance because i am flossing these dubs...... well they're only fifteens, but who's counting?!" is that weird that mr. hasselhoff was gently caressing that car's shifter?? why do you think he did this??

2007-01-29 19:41:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was recently asked by an associate of mine, if i wanted to go on a lucrative bussiness venture with him. you see, i currently work at a place which i am not going to mention because i don't want this to get back to them. if this got back to wal-mart inc. i don't know what i would do...... i mean, the lawyer's building at which i work and make lots of money!! so anyway i pretty much hate my job and i am sick of cleaning up the break rooms.... er, the lawyer tables.....when i spill my $25 frappallattechino. and i am pretty sure i want to go into bussiness with my cousin hector becuase he can get the stuff cheap and i know i can push it for twice as much....... i am talking merchandising, that's all!! so what do you think i should do?? should i move out of my mom's house..... i mean my huge condo and go for my dreams, or should i stay at wally world, by that i mean the lawyer office??

2007-01-29 19:19:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 19:08:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old one. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the council, " One of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the council's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now, just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

2007-01-29 19:07:26 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Mother Twitchet had one eye,
And a long tail she let fly,
And every time she went through a gap,
She left a bit of her tail in the trap.
What was she?

2007-01-29 19:05:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of soldiers were standing in the blistering sun facing due west. Their sergeant shouted at them:
Right turn!
About turn!
Left turn!

In which direction are they now facing?

2007-01-29 19:04:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 19:02:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some cogs are tigs.
All tigs are bons.
Some bons are pabs.
Some pabs are tigs.
Therefore, cogs are definitely pabs.--- TRUE or FALSE?

2007-01-29 19:00:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

winner gets a kiss from me, tee hee!! here she is, i need to know if this is true


patrick swayze > chuck norris


think real hard on this one folks, it is a total brain buster!! (not really, patrick wins by a long shot, ahahahahaha!!!)

2007-01-29 18:59:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

it isn't like riding a bicycle. when you don't ride a bike in forever you remember how. well i haven't typed in forever and i am typing like a word a minute or ten. why is this?? is it because venus' light was refracting off some swamp gas??

2007-01-29 18:50:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

which kind of lunch meat do you advise i use?? and do i offer them all the toppings??

2007-01-29 18:47:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

on the internet, what do you do?? do you say, hi jonboy, you have dissapeared for a long time, i see that you are in fact not dead, or do you merely wet your panties??

2007-01-29 18:45:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

5 + 7 = ????????.... ples help with math.

2007-01-29 18:44:43 · 13 answers · asked by whaaa 1

2007-01-29 18:40:18 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 18:39:37 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 18:37:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 18:36:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 18:29:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 18:24:27 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

laugh at

2007-01-29 18:13:29 · 16 answers · asked by SBG 2