Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-29 11:16:33 · 14 answers · asked by Suburban chocolate 2

You write on me and secrets I can keep,
In places never seen, I spin like a top,
Though stiff as a board, I'm often described like a mop.
What am I?

2007-01-29 11:13:00 · 13 answers · asked by texas_krystle_23 3

GRANDMA'S HAVE SUCH WONDERFUL ATTITUDES !!
IF YOU SEE HER -- HONK OR WISH HER GOOD LUCK.








The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.


I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Floridaback there , because I heard him yelling something about a
sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.


Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.


My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.


I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

2007-01-29 11:10:39 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man decides to give his ninety year old father a night with a hooker for his birthday.
The hooker knocks on his door and says "I'm here to give you super sex!"

Od man says "Thanks. I'll have the soup"

2007-01-29 11:06:13 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The best proof that there is intelligent life in the universe is that they've never come here.

2007-01-29 11:05:58 · 7 answers · asked by grumponit 2

Went to the clarevoyant to see what the future held for me. Pinned on the door was a note saying , Closed due to unforseen circumstances

2007-01-29 11:03:26 · 10 answers · asked by peter d 2

say ur driving a school bus, and there is 13 kids on the bus, at the first stop u pick up 7 kids and drop off 3, at the 2nd stop u drop off 2 kids and pick up 9 and the final stop u drop of 6 kids but pick up 1 more... wat is the name of the bus driver

2007-01-29 11:00:46 · 19 answers · asked by kirby 2

It was a Shih Tzu!

2007-01-29 10:58:06 · 17 answers · asked by jabelite 3

My Girlfriend has attention deficit disorder, yesterday she asked me “how many people with attention deficit disorder it took to change a light bulb”
I don’t know I replied” how many people with attention deficit disorder it took to change a light bulb”


What are we having for dinner then? she asked

2007-01-29 10:54:05 · 13 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

You're driving down the street in your blue convertible when it breaks down. Frustrated, you walk down the hill that your on and see a house with five windows. You walk inside and flip the light switch. Nothing happens, so you find matches and light a candle.You see two hallways and walk down the left one wear the walls are painted a dull blue. You see eight doors and walk into the thrid one. You hear a click as the door looks behind you. You see a man wearing brown shoes, black pants, a white shirt, and a gray hat. He says that there's no way out and that he's going to kill you. He gives you three choices of how you want to die. You can either be shot in the heart, go in an electric chair or be hanged. You have to choose one of those ways. There's no way out. What would you choose?

2007-01-29 10:52:58 · 29 answers · asked by Joseph 2

2007-01-29 10:52:56 · 19 answers · asked by kirby 2

how do you become a stage psychic. " come back to my flat
after the show and I'll give you a lesson" she agreed. On arrival
he immediately started to grope her " "she said I knew you would do that"
he replied your learning.

2007-01-29 10:51:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just to save them from an embarassing moment?

2007-01-29 10:50:52 · 8 answers · asked by Tabatha 4

Black we are but much admired,
Men seek for us till they are tired.
We tire horse, but comfort man.
Solve me this riddle, if you can.

10 pts.......

2007-01-29 10:46:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is walking one day to greet his family for dinner. His daughters are named Jane, Sally, Billy Joe, Anna, Maureen, and Kathy. His wife is named Katherine and his two dogs are sitting at the table at which the rest of his family is seated. The man has no idea where he is going, yet he knows where he is walking and he will most definitely show up at the restaurant they are at. The wife has ordered 5 plates of dinner, however there are 15 people in the restaurant that ordered before her and are angry that she received the food before they did. Their daughter Kathy needs to use the bathroom, while Maureen's dress is blue. None of the daughters have green shirts on, but the man's aunt lives 50 miles away from the restaurant.

Now that I have told you all that information possibly just to confuse you, what is the third word of the last sentence in the paragraph about the man?

2007-01-29 10:42:17 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

As soft as silk, as white as milk,
as bitter as gall, a thick green wall,
And a brown coat covers me all.

2007-01-29 10:39:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

You will know that I am coming
From the jingle of my bell,
But exactly who I am is not an easy thing to tell.

Children, they adore me
for they find me jolly,
but I do not see them when the halls are decked with holly.

My job often leaves me frozen,
I am a man that all should know,
But I do not do business in times of sleet or ice or snow.

I travel much on business,
But no reindeer haul me around,
I do all my traveling firmly on the ground.

I love the time of Christmas,
But that's not my vocational season,
And I assure that is because of a sound economic reason.

2007-01-29 10:31:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 10:28:04 · 24 answers · asked by Ryan 2

What did the teddy bear say after dining out?

2007-01-29 10:27:04 · 14 answers · asked by kfriedlander3 2

ok there was a classroom of preschoolers and the teacher asked who wanted to Colts to win the superbowl...all of the kids raised there hands but one little girl...and the teacher asked "why did you want the Bears to win all of the other kids want the Colts to win?"..."Beacause my parents want the Bears to win."Said the little girl....The teacher said "But all the other kids want the Colts to win.What if I told you your parents were idiots and morons?"...The little girl said "Then I'd be a Colts fan."



Hope you like it=)

2007-01-29 10:23:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

2007-01-29 10:05:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter. "I'm here for the paint job," she said. "Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house." The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating. After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW."

2007-01-29 10:04:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This lady has 2 parrots they both at times cuss, when 1 does she puts him in the fridge for a minute to teach him a lesson. One day her one parrot would not stop so she said, I will fix him and thru him in the freezer, he looked around and saw a frozen chicken, he said oh my God U must have said F------

2007-01-29 09:31:57 · 8 answers · asked by bodacious baby 7

Has any one else heard that?

2007-01-29 09:18:50 · 8 answers · asked by Chris 5

my teacher is great at riddles so i am trying to stump him which proves to be hard so if you could help me that would be cool no real dirty ones though

2007-01-29 09:06:32 · 19 answers · asked by steven 2

which half wins the day shift??

2007-01-29 09:03:17 · 11 answers · asked by DazzleMe 2

I heard that Monica wanted to extort money from Clinton to keep him quiet. But isn't it true that in her blue dress they already found a wad of Bill's.


Picture this, a guy walks in and says to his mother, Hi Mom, this is my fiance, Monica.

2007-01-29 09:01:51 · 7 answers · asked by Jim R 4

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing .

What are they both thinking?


















































Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Don't look down

2007-01-29 08:55:11 · 18 answers · asked by no1shylass 4

there is girl walking in the park with their parents. she saw a pair of squirrel doing each other. she pointed at the squirrels and ask her mom "what are they doing?" she says "they are making cupcakes." the next day the girl ask the mom another question. she ask, "did you and dad are making cupcakes last night?" the mom ask "why?" the girl say " i licked the icing off the couch"

2007-01-29 08:52:56 · 28 answers · asked by Nixmaster 3

Ah I remember this old friend like it was yesterday.
Any of you mortals have a clue?



It was long ago, not so far away,
you may not believe what they say.

Man or myth, you decide,
If I committed fratricide.

My ancestors may have wandered from Troy,
I had a peculiar upbringing as a boy.

My father a rapist, but not a man,
by organising rape I expanded my clan.

I built a city upon a hill,
the choice of which lead me to kill.

I lost some battles, but won the war,
to develop my empire, I did this and more.

With these clues you should know my name,
to be lost to history would be shame.




Should you all fail.
A solution will be posted.

2007-01-29 08:50:10 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous