Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

i,am clean at times dirty at times,sometimes i even hear you talking.i see you naked all the time and by no fault of mines even take your crap.you,ll pull my bottoms when you feel like it,other time you just don,t care at all.i,am/can be of multiple colors depending on you.what am i?

2007-01-29 03:32:57 · 14 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

My first is in tea but not in leaf
My second is in teapot and also in teeth
My third is in caddy but not in cosy
My fourth is in cup but not in rosy
My fifth is in herbal and also in health
My sixth is in peppermint and always in wealth
My last is in drink, so what can I be?
I’m there in a classroom, do you listen to me?

2007-01-29 03:30:44 · 17 answers · asked by Likhitha 2

Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.

Jim gets pxssed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."

God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."

2007-01-29 03:29:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

in Cuba, a teacher ask a young pupil:
- you kid, who is your mother?
-THE MOTHERLAND!!!!

-who is your father?
-FIDEL CASTRO!!!!!!

-and you son, what do you want to be?
-ORPHAN
______________________
a homeless drunk man is outside the whitehouse and speaks to one of the guards.
-Get off, I am getting in.... I want to be the new president of the United States **********!!! HICK!!!

- WHATTT??!!!!!, are you nuts??, are you crazy??, are you stupid???,do you have S*it in your head????!!!!!!!

-mmmmmmmm better not, I didn't know it was needed so many requisites ...HICK

2007-01-29 03:21:25 · 17 answers · asked by lokito 2

i said "how much do you think we can get for them"

2007-01-29 03:19:43 · 11 answers · asked by bizeyman 2

A old guy was sitting in the stands at the super bowl game. He had an empty set beside him. A guy walked up and asked was the seat taken. The old man replied no, this was the first super bowl he and his wife hadn't been to since they were married in 1987 and she had passed away. The guy asked the old man if he had any family or friends, or someone who could've came with him.
The old man replied. "No, they are all the funeral."

2007-01-29 03:19:01 · 8 answers · asked by angel2005_2001 5

I,am very tall,i look down on you everyday without you ever noticing.I turn on and off when my time comes,some of you haved even lost your lives cause i was in your way but wasen,t my fault.what am i?

2007-01-29 03:13:31 · 17 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

2007-01-29 03:12:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A South Carolina state trooper was on patrol along a desolate stretch of highway when he discovered a young girl sitting buck nxked on the side of the road, crying her eyes out.

He pulled over and asked if she was alright, to which she nodded yes.

"Care to explain what it is you're doin' out here without a stitch of clothes on, young lady?" he asked.

"I was with my boyfriend last night," she sobbed. "We were gonna get hot and heavy in the back seat of his car, and for some reason, he got mad, made me get out and took off without even leaving me my clothes."

When the girl began to cry again, the officer tried to comfort her. "I'm sure sorry 'bout that, miss. I'm gonna go to my cruiser to call a taxi to bring you home. Our rules say that I can't give you a ride in my patrol car unless we go to the station first, and ah'm afraid the Captain would ask too many questions if we did."

Aware that the girl was doing her very best to cover herself up,

2007-01-29 03:07:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS: "Daddy, how was I born?"

DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!...

"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

"since it was late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

2007-01-29 03:00:47 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

A: Most of the time, you get an onion with big ears. But once in a while, JUST once in a while, you get a piece of axs that brings tears to your eyes..
Q: What does a womans axshole do when she is having a climax?

A: He is probably home watching a football game or something.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a pxnis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What's worse than getting rxped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

2007-01-29 02:57:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are zebra' s black with white strips or white with black strips? -or this this something man is just not meant to know???

2007-01-29 02:56:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

2007-01-29 02:51:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the

definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your
wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are
you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death

2007-01-29 02:48:43 · 14 answers · asked by Poker Face 6

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

2007-01-29 02:45:03 · 20 answers · asked by Lily Allen 3

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

2007-01-29 02:35:26 · 29 answers · asked by Lily Allen 3

three stooges

2007-01-29 02:34:19 · 4 answers · asked by greenhornet 1

A man went to have plastic surgery on his pxnis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick sh1thouse. She's so hxrny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and mxsturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pxssy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dxck."
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

2007-01-29 02:15:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

INEED QUOTES FOR MYSPACE

2007-01-29 02:13:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

2007-01-29 01:42:27 · 30 answers · asked by Tink 5

A newlywed redneck couple arrive at their hotel to begin their honeymoon.

The manager greets them and says "I see you're newlyweds! ... I can give you the Bridal".

To which the husband replies "No thanks, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets the hang of it !"

2007-01-29 01:32:12 · 14 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

2007-01-29 01:16:34 · 12 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it hhome and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cock tail party when a chinese physician asked where she got the symbols.
"From a menu," she admitted.
"Do You know what they say?"
"I'm afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."
"Cheap but good."

2007-01-29 01:11:27 · 8 answers · asked by Mr. Smiley 6

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

2007-01-29 01:07:01 · 16 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!”

“You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about!” the person responds.

“Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you we're the father.”

“I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!”

2007-01-29 01:04:58 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have
a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly".

2007-01-29 00:55:54 · 24 answers · asked by Julie A 3

what the difrence between jade goodie and miss piggy ??

one is a rotten swine and the other is drunk after 9

2007-01-29 00:05:41 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What was your most embarrasing moment ever, ie - on dates etc.

2007-01-29 00:02:57 · 12 answers · asked by Roxxy 2

The Lions, Tigers, Wolvesx and Leopards are four soccer teams, amongst whom competition is very keen. They recently staged a small "league" contest, in which each team played one match against each of the others. In this contest, the order of the four teams, as measured by the total number of goals scored, was (1) Lions (2) Tigers (3)Wolves (4) Leopards.
The Lions won their match against the Tigers by 4 goals to 1. The Leopards won against the Wolves. The other four games were drawn.
What was the score in the match b/t the Wolves and the Leopards; and which team had the smallest number of goals scored against it?

2007-01-28 23:47:13 · 7 answers · asked by enigma 1

2007-01-28 23:41:54 · 11 answers · asked by alan p 2