Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-28 18:37:26 · 55 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise.

He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!" haha


(hope u liked it)

2007-01-28 18:19:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What your famous last words would be,
what would you say?

2007-01-28 18:02:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a riddle I saw, and I can't think of the answer, nor can I find it anywhere.

2007-01-28 17:58:35 · 17 answers · asked by yisman15 2

The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"


"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"


"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon . . . ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe

following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.



It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


"Pepe ... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"


"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...


ees




ees




ees






ees








ees a Ham Bush.

2007-01-28 17:47:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower >and spinach, with green, long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want
hot fudge with that?

And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And supersize 'em".
And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery
.
And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.


THE FINAL WORD ON >NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and >suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
.4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

2007-01-28 17:40:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer: Well how did he hold the (fishing) pole? :)

2007-01-28 17:27:22 · 19 answers · asked by PogieLuke 4

2007-01-28 16:27:30 · 16 answers · asked by Troy B 2

...and the husband, out of nowhere, says, "Laura, I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, but accelerates to 40mph.

The husband says, "I want to bring the two boys with me to California to start a new life."

Again, the wife says nothing, but hikes it up to 60mph.

The husband then says, "I also want the car and insurance money."

The wife, still silent, gets the car up to 80mph.

Finally, the husband says, "And I want all the pictures in the house, the furniture, and almost everything else."

The wife is now doing 100mph, and the husband sees that she's smiling. "What's so funny?" he asked her.

She turned to him and said...

"I have the airbag."

2007-01-28 16:19:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are people from Tampa called?

2007-01-28 16:19:06 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were 2guys that went to a bar and drank a cup of coke with 5 ice cubs in them the next morning one of them died but the other one lived
how did the 1st one die
they had the same drink same ampount of coke and ice cubes.

2007-01-28 15:57:04 · 14 answers · asked by teddy 1

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

2007-01-28 15:39:30 · 11 answers · asked by babycakes_rocks 3

want so much to give you..............???

2007-01-28 15:38:41 · 7 answers · asked by PInky without perky!! 4

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?















































Their last great hit was The Wall! JTF

2007-01-28 15:25:46 · 8 answers · asked by rc flyer 1

when riding a roller coaster

2007-01-28 15:13:49 · 17 answers · asked by ___________ 4

A man lives on 9th floor. Every morning he gets on elevator, pushes the 1 and goes down. Comes back, pushes 7th, gets out on 7th floor and walks up the stairs until he gets home. Why does he do that?

2007-01-28 15:13:23 · 10 answers · asked by XenT 2

2007-01-28 15:07:51 · 11 answers · asked by Max Power 5

Because she wanted to be like for sure for sure!!

2007-01-28 14:47:30 · 7 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over
the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he
walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally
attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help
you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one
who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a
cheeseburger.

2007-01-28 14:47:04 · 2 answers · asked by Melisa H 2

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me? " says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean? " says the newcomer. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his

2007-01-28 14:44:00 · 1 answers · asked by Melisa H 2

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

2007-01-28 14:42:35 · 14 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

Keep it entertaining
ex. Sir, I want to take your daughter's hand in marriage, but on a more serious note, I plugged your toilet.

2007-01-28 14:34:30 · 18 answers · asked by SquirrelBait 5

2007-01-28 14:17:28 · 15 answers · asked by Tiffany 3

~Check back for the answer~

2007-01-28 14:09:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-28 13:59:34 · 5 answers · asked by luis g 2

He didn't have one so I let him have mine now I outside with a laptop and its cold. A dog ate my foot and I'm scared.

2007-01-28 13:58:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowgirl rides in on Friday, stays 2 days and leaves on Friday. Possible how?

2007-01-28 13:24:16 · 8 answers · asked by @(^.^)@ 2

Two weeks ago my mum went to the Drs for a check-up. Whilst there he asked my mum if she had any problems. She told him that she'd noticed she was suffering with some wind, but that it wasn't really a problem as it didn't smell and was silent. She then, to cover her embarrassment told him that she'd farted twice whilst she was in there with him. He gave her some tablets and told her to go back a week later. She went last week and said to the Dr, I don't know what was in those tablets Dr, but they made my farts smell terrible. He smiled at her and said, 'GOOD, THAT IS YOUR SINUS'S SORTED OUT - NOW LETS WORK ON THE HEARING!!!

2007-01-28 13:15:25 · 1 answers · asked by Agony Aunt 5

I am bummed out on stupid questions and since I can't beat them, I will join them.

This is a contest (Yahoo Lottery) for best question (10 points) I will give this to anyone who guesses the correct two-digit number (my age) and in the case the best one-liner (joke) gets it.

As Forest Gump says, "Stupid is as Stupid does".

NOTE: Dumpy Plumpkin is excluded as he knows my age and taste in jokes.

2007-01-28 13:10:09 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

a woman is walking on the beach when she finds a bottle. she opens the bottle and a genie comes out he says,"because you have freed me from this bottle i shall grant you three wishes,but everything you receive, your husband will receive 5 times as much". the woman says,"ok. my first wish is for $10million." the genie nodded."i will make it so, but you must remember your husband will get 5 times more" so the genie grants her wish."for my second wish i want 3 new cars" "it shall be but-" "yeahyeahyeah my husband will get 15"she cut him off. so the genie granted her wish. "what is your third wish?"the genie asks. the woman says,"i wish for a slight heart attack." what do you think?

2007-01-28 13:07:52 · 38 answers · asked by BrittanyxAriel 2