Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

>The Summary of Life
>
>
>
>
>GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
>
>1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
>2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
>3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
>second person.
>4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
>5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
>6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
>7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
>8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
>10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>
>GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
>
>1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
>2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
>3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
>4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
>5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
>6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
>
>
>
>
>
>GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>
>1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
>2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
>3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
>there.
>4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
>chair that you
>once got from a roller coaster.
>5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
>ask you the questions.
>6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
>7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
>
>
>
>
>THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>
>1) You believe in Santa Claus.
>2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
>3) You are Santa Claus.
>4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
>
>
>SUCCESS:
>
>At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
>At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
>At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license.
>At age 35 success is . . having money.
>At age 50 success is . . . having money.
>At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
>At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
>At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

2007-01-29 17:26:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nothing you already told her twice.

2007-01-29 17:12:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

When is a Hen a Rooster?

2007-01-29 17:06:46 · 26 answers · asked by smilley 2

I MEAN, POLICEMEN DON'T STEAL!!

2007-01-29 16:47:45 · 23 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

If pros and cons are opposite, what is the opposite of progress?

2007-01-29 16:46:28 · 12 answers · asked by ?? 2

oh wait... it's just the Rolling Stones :(

2007-01-29 16:31:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHY DO THE SIX KIDS SHARE 2 BEDROOMS ON THE SHOW? WASN'T MR. BRADY AN ACHITECT? WHY WOULDN'T HE ADD ON TO THE HOUSE??

2007-01-29 16:30:40 · 11 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

Mr. Smith and His adult son Chuck were driving in a car when it crashed. Mr. Smith Died and when chuck arrived at the E.R. the old surgeon said, "I cant operate on him, hes my son!"
How could this be?

2007-01-29 16:29:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 16:18:20 · 13 answers · asked by xtravaganza 1

It's 2 cow lips on a bun...It's called a Mick Jagger!!

2007-01-29 16:18:03 · 6 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

2007-01-29 16:01:56 · 15 answers · asked by ashiyana07 1

An 85 year old widower had been dating an 80 year old widow for about six months. They had been getting along very well and were becoming very close emotionally. The man was considering asking the woman if she would marry him, but he was concerned about whether they would be compatible sexually. They had never really talked about this so he felt it would be wise to discuss it before he decided to ask her to marry him.

He took her to a nice restaurant and they had a wonderful romantic meal together. After the meal he told her that he thought that before their relationship could move on to the next level they should talk. He asked his girlfriend "How often do you like sex?"

The woman had worried this subject would eventually come up and had dreaded the answer she knew she must honestly give. Hesitantly, she looked at him, and said, INFREQUENTLY.

The man stopped, thought for a moment and then asked, " Is that one word or two?"

2007-01-29 16:00:43 · 11 answers · asked by yagman 7

There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to New York City. She boards the plane and sits in the first class area. The flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."

The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendant leaves and explains the situation to the head flight attendant. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."

The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendants look at each other in amazement and decide to get assistance from the captain. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."

The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

2007-01-29 15:42:46 · 34 answers · asked by pikachu is love. 5

Two redneck hunters, Bubba and Harley, heard about some big deer called moose they had up in Canada so they got a bush pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They had such good luck that they decided to go back again. On this trip they bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. Bubba objected strongly. "Last year me and ol Harley shot six, and the pilot let us put 'em all on board; he had the same plane as yores didn't he Harley?" To which Harley replied, "Yep, he shore nuff had the same plane." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Harley, "Ya got any idea where we are?" "Yep, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.."

2007-01-29 15:40:40 · 7 answers · asked by yagman 7

2007-01-29 15:25:01 · 13 answers · asked by @987* 2

practice and let me know

2007-01-29 15:11:13 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

2007-01-29 15:06:52 · 19 answers · asked by Rascal_Flatts_Fanatic! 2

2007-01-29 15:02:39 · 12 answers · asked by louisem28 4

Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a grave yard for a wee,
one wipes herself with her panties and the other woman uses a wreath.
The two husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says " i better watch my wife she came home last night with no panties "
the other man says " thats nothing mate, mine had a card wedged up her bottom saying - we,ll never forget you, from all the boys at the firestation !

2007-01-29 14:50:23 · 25 answers · asked by swanning66 2

I found this online somewhere. I think it's funny :)

Top ten methods of proof in Calculus

1. Proof by general agreement: "All in favor?..."

2. Proof by intimadation: "Don't be stupid, of course it's true."

3. Proof by accident: Hey, what do we have here?"

4. Proof by insingnificance: "Who really cares anyway?"

5. Proof by Calculus: "this proof requires calculus, so we'll skip it"

6. Proof by hasty generalizations: "Well, it works for 17, so it works for all reals"

7. Proof by lack of interest: "Does anyone really want to see this?"

8. Proof by deception: "Ok, now everyone turn your backs..."

9. Proff by tessellation: "this proof is just the same as the last one."

10. Proof by A.F.K.T theorem: " Any Fool Knows That"

2007-01-29 14:46:07 · 18 answers · asked by the_blue_violinist 2

In the movie "Breakfast Club" When the tough kid is crawling through the ceiling he starts telling a joke that goes something like this: A naked blond walks into a bar with pig under one arm and a bottle of whiskey under the other and the bartender says..........

Then he falls through the ceiling and does not get to finish the joke. Also I am not 100 percent sure that is was a bottle of whiskey under the other arm. It has been a long time since I watched the movie but it has bothered me all these years. Help!!

2007-01-29 14:43:45 · 2 answers · asked by Rickey W 5

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure. Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

2007-01-29 14:40:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 14:36:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy friend of mine says that he wants something for his birthday that can't be bought. I suggested love, he said not really. I suggested a girlfriend, and he said that I was on the right track. I have half an hour before I talk to him again, does anyone have any suggestions for me?
He's not gay, he's single... I'm at a loss... please help!

2007-01-29 14:22:08 · 10 answers · asked by way_2_short84 3

2007-01-29 14:13:12 · 7 answers · asked by some black dude with no life 1

especially beyblade,cardcaptor sakura & tsubasa chronicles

2007-01-29 14:08:03 · 2 answers · asked by fatima 1

Face a wall. Stand 2ft away with both feet together.(use your foot to measure, not a ruler). Place a kitchen chair between you and wall. Lean forward until your head is against wall. Pick up the chair. Now stand up.
Women will be able to stand up. Not men. Why?

2007-01-29 13:53:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

well did they.

2007-01-29 13:46:23 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

make a comment any comment the person with the funniest comment gets my vote.
especially if its rude & funny
no insults please

2007-01-29 13:44:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-29 13:40:47 · 34 answers · asked by Jason W 3